I can't handle it anymore. I am probably going to commit seppuku the next time someone mentions Sex and the City. I have never despised a TV show as much as I do that awful awful show. Seriously, the hatred and vitriol and bile starts to build up in the back crevasses of my throat with the mere mention of it. I usually get so flustered with my hatred of the show that I cannot articulate exactly why I think it's so awful. I'm hoping that blogging it out will help. I can't promise anything though.
Someone hand me a steel umbrella because I'm being bombarded in the skull with these heavy, leaden cliches Sex and the City keep dropping on me and it hurts - I find it funny when fans of the show (female ones) talk about how it's "empowering" for women. Really? Because the idea that four women have nothing better to talk about than shoes or doing it seems pretty insulting and simplistic to me. So let me get this straight: the show's protagonist is constantly fretting about never finding "Mr. Right" and never being able to get married and have tiny little spoiled fashionista children? And I'm supposed to root for her or at the least, feel empathy for her? Let me guess, I bet the women all love chocolate too! But they worry about it going straight to their thighs! Oh my god, I hope they don't get depressed and sit in their house eating ice cream in their pajamas! Now granted, those cliches offend me first off as a person who hates deserts, ice cream and chocolate. But also, I don't like the idea that the "empowered" woman's main focus is on such material or matrimonial pursuits. Each of the four characters on the show are just two-dimensional facades of characters. So simplistic that's it's wholly insulting.
Ohhhhhh, no she di'nt say that! OMG! LOL! So daring! - Quite possibly the only thing more insulting that the cardboard cutout characters on SATC is how the viewer is supposed to be shocked and surprised by how frankly and openly the women discuss even the most graphic of details when it comes to their sex lives. Really? Because it just makes me think the characters are either not too familiar with the human anatomy (yo, check it, everyone's got the same general layout you have! it's wild!). Even more irritating is the idea that women are supposed to think that the characters are being "naughty" and "irreverant" when they discuss other people's shortcomings. Sorry, if I were writing that for the Sex and the City audience I would have written it in the much more "clever" formula of:
the characters are being naughty and irreverent when discussing other people's, erhm......ummm..."shortcomings"
and then I would insert some winking emoticon and we would all clink our cosmos in our martini glasses together and chortle because me made a double entendre! Me funny and borderline dirty! I swear, the writing on that show is like if you bought every "dirty" birthday greeting card at Spencer's Gifts and taped them together in a long string like some sort of bad blue humor Christmas tree garland. Don't get me wrong. The beauty of a finely-honed and flawlessly executed abortion joke is something to rival that of a Botticelli. So let's play a game. Which of the lines below is from SATC and which is from a tacky greeting card?
“Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls... because they can.”
“I have low self-esteem, but I express it the healthy way... by eating a box of Double-Stuff Oreos.”
“I'm a trisexual. I'll try anything once.”
"If you're tired of New York you take a nap-a, you don't move to Napa"
(OMFG my brain just exploded that anyone allowed that sentence to escape from their brain and see the light of day)
Just kidding. They're all from SATC. Joke's on you! Well, I take that back. The joke's only on you if you actually see this ridiculous movie. Please make the hype die. Please make the skull-crushing PR go away. Go buy some shoes or something. Just don't give money to these awful writers and perpetuate this dumb stereotype.
PS - I meant to tell you that a Cosmo is not a martini at all. Because you see, a martini is a combination of gin/vodka and vermouth and sometimes olive juice while a Cosmo is just a fancy name and less white trash way of being able to order a Hand Grenade or Hurricane or Jolly Rancher-rita or Sex on the Bloomin' Onion Prep Station or whatever else comes in a souvenir glass you can take home with you when you eat a Red Lobster.
Sex and The City is Awful Part 2: When Friends Agree
And now I will present the chat that followed shortly after I posted this blog. The chat is between my friend Danny and I. And features the idea of feeding the entire cast of SATC into a wood chipper (amongst other ideas):
Old: wanna go see sex and the city with me tonight?
me: fuck you danny
fuck you hard
seriously i think my pulse is still elevated
btw, i added to it becacuse the first draft didn't allow me to fully express my anger
Old: seriously, you should go see it. if you do, i want to be there.
me: oh. my. god. i would totally live blog the shit out of that movie.
me: if you ever want to feel like taking a nap in the sweet embrace of the hereafter by your own hand, by all means go straight to sexandthecityquotes.com
Old: i wonder if samantha makes a penis joke in the movie...
i'm crashing my ROFLcopter into a trade center as we speak
Old: someone needs to remind her that she was fucking "lassie" from porky's.
me: ummmmmm one better, she was the mannequin that got fed into a paper shredder in mannequin
which was my all time fave movie when i was 5
used to sing the starship "nothing's gonna stop us now" into a hairbrush daily
Old: if this films ends with her being fed into a wood chipper, it's worth it.
me: i want three sequels where each one ends with another one being put in the wood chipper until they are all just a pile of slut stew meat
Old: please add more to your blog. i'm grooving on the wood chipper theme....
me: i really think i should live blog it. go see it and be able to cite factual evidence.
Old: yep. just let me know.
me: also OMG at the inwood all the refreshements including the popcorn is going to be pink tonight!
Old: unless you need to be alone.
me: not kidding
Old: big buck hunter: sex and the city version.
me: oh my god. someone please make sure to scotchguard EVERYTHING in auditorium 1
Old: big cunt hunter.
me: like a pair of faded grey velvet drapes
Old: wow. you didn'
me: just sort of ragged and in desperate need of hemming. just sort of frayed and worn thin but with an unmistakable chain smoker sort of smell
Old: you = #1
me: I WIN!
the world loses
Old: can you imagine the hen pen parties who are going attend this thing in droves? all dressed up and shit?
me: the gallo chardonnay will flow down the streets like the blood of a thousand saggy dead cougars
Old: gallo. lol.
me: i want to dress up as a suicide bomber and go see it
Old: i really want to do see it now...
people watching might be the allure
me: i'm going to wear a burqua and issue a fatwa against the movie then take out as many single moms as i can
Old: allright. what time am i picking you up?