Strap on Those Skates

Because we're all going ice skating in hell!

Sign of the Impending Apocalypse #1:



This photograph was taken last night. August 19th at 11:01pm. You might notice that round knob on the right is turned in a rather odd position. It's turned towards the red color. Even though my car is a Honda and therefore made in Japan, where people sleep in pods and buy used panties in vending machines, red still means hot and blue means cold. So that means that last night, while driving to Walgreen's at 11:01pm to buy contact lens solution, I had to turn the knob that tells the magic man that lives in the air vents what temperature to make the air coming out to make mine a toasty one. In August. In Texas. As a side note, I like that all the engineering and progress in the world has not stopped the hazard button on a car from still looking like the "someone call Oingo Boingo and let's really get this party started" button. Shouldn't it be like a lighting bolt or an exclamation point or a thumb or something. I could really get behind the thumb button.


Sign of the Impending Apocalypse #2:

I really can't even try to write better headlines than this so let me just go ahead and steal and link:

Lynching Advocate Toby Keith: Obama Acts White To Win

followed by....

Toby Keith: Obama's 'Best Democratic Candidate We've Had Since Bill Clinton'

First off, does one order business cards with "lynching advocate" as your listed profession? Second, nope. Sorry, Tobester. You don't get a re-do. You don't get to Tardis it back and put a boot in the ass of all those xenophobic pro-Bush redneck comments you made. I'm sure Obama totally appreciates not only your support of his political party but also his campaign and his ability to "talk white" et al.

Maybe you and John Rich should go into an unwanted and bungled political endorsements side business....


Sign of the Impending Apocalypse #3:

Oh. Em. Gee. Times are getting rough. I guess that Britpop renaissance of the early Aughts didn't really pan out like some thought it would. But really, there's no reason that it should lead to this.

JOHNNY BORRELL FROM RAZORLIGHT IS NOW THE LEAD SUSPECT IN THE MADELAINE MCCANN DISAPPEARANCE?






















Wow. Johnny Borrell. Singer of mediocre songs. Former boyfriend of Kirsten Dunst and that girl from Harry Potter. Friend of Mighty Boosh. Fashion Victim. And now potential kidnapper and pedophile. What a shame. And here I was thinking he was just a loudmouthed brat.

The good news is that the sketch artist seems to have caught him in mid-chuckle. Who doesn't love a good laugh? With the economy like it is now, even child abductors need to have a giggle every now and again. I have to say that minus the whole "stealing kids" part, I prefer Johnny Borrell Mach 2.0 (pictured left in sketch) who seems much more lighthearted. You know, as opposed to the Johnny Borrell of old (pictured right giving us Blue Steel). Thoughts?

Are You Ready for Some Fauxball?

This is not going to be about Saturday night's Cowboy's pre-season game against the San Diego Chargers. There's a few reasons for that. The first reason being that it is a pre-season game and even I am not hardcore enough to care to blog about that. The second reason is that I didn't actually get to see all of the game and only got to steal glimpses of the game as I saw Tiger Moth play on Saturday night. And finally, the Cowboys lost and looked bad doing it so what's there to say other than "Nice hustle, fatties?"

So I will instead address my general happiness about the start of fauxball which will gently usher in actual football. Saturday night's pre-fauxball game show had the first installment of a three part series on the 1971 Cowboys team. The first part got into the bitchy Team Aniston/Team Jolie aspect of Tom Landry's choice between Roger Staubach and Craig Morton. Ohhhhh, the drama. Jerry Jones talked about his Papa John's pizza commercials and how many times they had to film the part where the kids kicked him in the junk (lots) and how much fun it is to be able to show a softer side of himself by making pizza commercials (lots) and how much it costs to buy a seat at the new stadium (LOTS). In between all of this were one billion reminders that you can buy or sponsor anything nailed or not nailed down at the new Cowboys stadium. I would like to sponsor a few more kids kicking Jerry Jones in the junk for my amusement (alliteration is the new black). That was not one of the advertised options.

I can't get too jazzed about fauxball. But I can make a list of things that fauxball beats any day of the week:

1. Rangers baseball - Ok, I don't like baseball. So you probably don't care about my opinion here anyways. Other than the interesting Josh Hamilton story, Rangers baseball is the epitome of summer in Texas. It goes on way too long. Every once in a while there is a respite, a cool moment, a nice breeze. But generally speaking, it's just month after month of being beaten down and looking at the forecast and wondering when it will all be over. I feel bad for my friends who are Rangers fans and at the start of each season say things like "This might be our year" really earnestly. Maybe in a show of solidarity, next summer when baseball season starts I will convince myself that this will be the summer in Texas that the high will never climb above 75. Every night there will be a cool, relaxing breeze and I will wear sweatshirts everywhere to convey my faith in this meteorological miracle. That way, the Rangers and I can both stink at the same time.

2. Mavericks Surrenderball - Don't get me wrong. I love my sad little Mavericks. Even if there is this and this and, oh yeah, this. Actually, I cannot express to you how badass I think Dirk's haircut is. Like 8-layer burrito awesome. Seriously. I have long been a fan of the comedy cut. But last season's humiliation hasn't gone away as easily as I was hoping it would. Was it the non-draft? Who knows? All I'm saying is that if given a choice between Andre Gurode and Josh "2 Fast And/Or Furious" Howard, I'm picking Mr. Over-the-Head-Snaps every time.

3. Hockey - Can't get into it. Sean Avery is not going to help the cause. I know that's hard to believe because if you have heard him talk, you of course know that he gives Lincoln a run in the "Great Orators of All Time" race. That's sarcasm. Note to Sean Avery: I'm glad you like fancy clothes. They distract from the fact that when you speak, it's like the aural equivalent of watching baby oatmeal slide down a taupe wall. Oh, to be a fly on the wall when you and Anna Wintour grunted out monosyllabic commentary from the front row of fashion week. Welcome to town. You're going to love it here. For once in the existence of this blog, that was not sarcasm.

Go fauxball.

God I Hope This Magic Radio Wizard's Got Some More Elf Comin' My Way

I saw Pineapple Express last night. I hate movies, generally speaking. I don't like feeling trapped in a theater with poorly mannered people for two hours. I don't like feeling like I have to ride out the storm of a movie that I don't like in the dark for two hours. I think most movies made after 1986 have too much CGI, bad writing, explosions, weak plots and bad soundtracks. Which is why I was shocked to find myself using my own t-shirt to wipe away the hot tears of unbridled laughter for almost two solid hours last night. I am not really qualified to do a movie review but to say that for someone who finds 90% of today's movies to be tedious, I left the Pineapple Express plotting when I could see it again. That speaks volumes.

Also speaking volumes to me now is the leap I made, thanks to Chrissy's recommendation, to last.fm. I peaced out on Launch. I know that's very 1999 "I'm totally un-subbing from this mailing list" of me. But my world has changed. I'm like a crippled kid with new legs. Though there may be an ocean between us, there is a last.fm connecting us and our love of Foreigner:

From: Amanda
To: Christina
Subject: i'm naming my firstborn last.fm

omg. asia's "heat of the moment"!!!! it's just throwing me gem after gem. don't ever stop, last.fm. thank you for this gift, chrissy!


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On Thu, Aug 7, 2008 at 10:09 AM, Christina wrote:

Ain't no thang. upon your last remark in the last email, i too typed in 'foreigner'. guess what the second song that came up was (after 'cold as ice')? None other than Asia's 'Voice of America' followed by 'Africa' by Toto.

And i'll be damned if this isn't my fave lyric:
Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti
I seek to cure whats deep inside, frightened of this thing that Ive become

(Guilty as charged! That's sooooo me!)

Last.fm is my closest friend throughout my work day. What is your user ID? I can make you my friend and we can bust each other for listening to shitty music. Which is actually a game nobody will play with me as often as I'd like.


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From: Amanda
To: Christina
Subject: Re: i'm naming my firstborn last.fm

I keep typing in just the name of any random band I can think of which is either a) a prog band that I remember that I like one song (UFO) or some bad synth band that I liked one song when we got a promo at DMG in like '02 (Fischerspooner).

Please, join me won't you? My username is amandavoncobra. Let's touch our radios in musical shame.

By the way, my new fave line from any song is from Loverboy's "Hot Girls in Love"

"She likes her tapes on 10
And it's the same as her anatomy
She's on a rainbow cruise
All the way to my room"

Seriously? God, way to be subtle Loverboy. Subtle as ripaway pants.



Damn. Today doesn't suck.