Dear Tony Romo - Are you at all familiar with the jokes about New Money?

Jesus Christ! Tony Romo, why do you have to keep this doing this shit? I defend you and you give me this back in return:

STAY CLASSY, PONY BOY!

Taking your new sports groupie lady friend to the Ghostbar? Wow. Wow. I'm trying, Tony. I'm trying so hard to buy into the Tony Romo is Just an Awwww Shucks Kind of Regular Guy With a Good Sense of Humor thing. I think you say funny things. While I don't personally find you that cute, I appreciate your scrubbed-with-oatmeal-and-apple-pie All-American look. I even sympathize with your tendency to drop salsa down the front of your shirt while gorging on the couch. By the way, I've found that hoisting yourself up from a completely horizontal position lowers the possibility of a salsa oooops by like 70%.

But for the love of all things fuzzy, please stop playing into every stereotype of what a vapid jock does when money and fame come his way. What next? Maybe start betting on games? Ooooooooh, everyone LOVES a good DUI. You've probably already put in the order for the sweet custom Hummer (no, not that kind though with the way you're going....) with the bangin' system on which you can listen to all your favorite Journey hits. It may be too late. You may already be too far down the path of least resistance. That makes me sad.

I will give you that with Matt Leinart and Tom Brady both bailing on pregnant girlfriends for models or mildly retarded socialites, the bar is pretty low. But when you are making Tom Brady look kind of smart and classy, it's time to put down the Absolut Pear-tini and find the quietest corner of the Ghostbar and have a little think. Look out into the sea of ochre-colored sharks and cougars that surround you. Decide if this is really the kind of dude you are. It's not too late to get out. Just be careful to not slip in any of those puddles of hair gel, glitter bronzer, melted silicon or fame-hungry desperation on your way out. I get that you're still kind of new to Dallas and everything. If you really don't know of anywhere else to go other than Ghostbar, let me offer some alternative choices. Maybe try The Old Monk, The Idle Rich, Dubliner, Doublewide, Vickery Park, the newly opened Capital Pub. They're nice places that don't have a heavy glaze of shame and baby oil coating the entire bar and its' patrons.

I miss Steve Nash more every day.

PS - After writing this and going back to google to do an image search for "Ghostbar Dallas", one of the first ten results is a picture of you, Tony Romo. You are now the poster child for the Ghostbar. Jebus! I give up. Have fun. Do a shot of Patron off a dead hooker's ass for me, buddy.