Job Wanted

Job Ad #1:

NEED AN AUCTION CALLER? HUMAN TORNADO SIREN? EVER WANTED TO HIRE SOMEONE WITH A JOHN WATERS MUSTACHE?

I'm your guy. My name is Avery Johnson and I am looking to obtain employment that will utilize my skills both as a man with very powerful lungs and very little idea of how to coach a professional sports team. I am a published author of a book about learning from failure, of which I have experienced much as of late. And if it's a professional looking office environment in which I am employed, the good news is that I have plenty of suits and ties. If you find my skills to your liking, I hope you won't mind if I wear my championship ring during the interview. It's kind of my lucky charm.

Attached is my resume and I can furnish references upon request. As a side note, I respectfully request that my current employer NOT be contacted during any sort of pre-employment background check that you may conduct.


Job Ad #2:

LAID BACK COLLEGE GRADUATE LOOKING FOR A PART-TIME OPPORTUNITY.

Hi, my name is Josh Howard and I am proud graduate of Wake Forest College. I have dabbled in basketball but am now looking to gain some sort of part-time employment. I would search for full-time work but, in the interest of full disclosure, I must confess that I have a tendancy to only be able to really apply myself and work hard for half of any set amount of time. For instance, if you wanted me to come in at 9am and work until 5pm I would probably show up right at 9am. I would kind of hang back in the background or maybe even take a nap during a morning conference call. But right when you think you probably should fire me, I will come up with a good idea about moving the copier closer to the shredder. Assuming it's before lunchtime. Because I pretty much always tend to check out during the second half of my job. I mean I'm there physically but I am totally mailing it in. So if you've got a job that you don't really need done very well and you can work around my Grand Theft Auto schedule, please feel free to AIM me at: jhoneedsaJ.O.B.

PS - Must be 420 friendly.

Job Ad #3:

LOOKING TO GET PAID TO DO NOTHING

For further information, please call 214-555-KIDD. Ask for Jason. If no answer, please leave very slow and very monotone message and I will hit you back. Word.

[Ad redacted; applicant has since found employment]

Job Ad #4:

PLEASE GET US OUT OF THIS TOWN (2 positions wanted)

My name is Dirk and my friend JJ and I really need to get out of town. We will take any employment in any field, in any city outside of Dallas. My friend JJ is pretty upset because people keep making fun of him. I'm beaten down and my spirit is rightly completely broken by my dead end job. There are times when I am driving my silver Merc G Wagon up to my place of employment and I just want to turn around and drive back home and eat Chipotle and cry. I hate my boss. I hate puns involving my name. I hate having to do goofy-ass taco giveaway promos and pretend to play rock songs on the Jumbotron for rich people while they eat nachos and watch all my professional sports dreams circle the drain night after night. I asked JJ what some of his job qualifications and requirements are but he is sitting in a fetal position in my hall closet rocking back and forth and praying the rosary.

We both have Green Cards and are ready to work.