You Either Shut Up or Get Cut Up

Every day that I am at work, I play a game. It's called "what should I listen to while I work?" and usually it's a dead heat between NPR, WRR and letting iTunes inevitably pick my least favorite songs from my music library repeatedly. Actually, there's problems with all of these options. NPR gets way too uppity for me sometimes. I'm not looking for Larry the Cable Guy but sometimes I just want someone on NPR to make a decent off-color joke. And I don't mean an off-color joke that somehow winds back around to America's dependence on foreign oil. I like WRR because I have a healthy love of baroque chamber music. What I don't have a healthy love of: John Philip Sousa marches, the fact that every other WRR selection seems to be a scratched CD and most importantly, the owner of Avery Air Conditioning's insistence on doing his own spots. Seriously, some things are best left to professionals.

So I occasionally get desperate enough to forage around the dark recesses of internet radio. The kind where you tell it the name of a handful of artists that you like and it thinks it can clairvoyantly make a playlist that will rock you gently 'til the clock strikes 5. Of course, it's horribly wrong. The one that provides me the most amusement is Yahoo's Launch player. Mostly because between sponsored ads and label-funded content shoehorned in between my selected Foreigner songs, some of the things it genuinely thinks are songs I am going to like are amazing. Amazingly wrong. And the label-paid-for Today's Hits is always nice. It's the only way I can keep my finger on the pulse. And man, the pulse is weird.

So I decided to give Launch an hour of my day today to see what it had in store for me. No skips. Hit me with your rhythm stick, so to speak:

(Now looking at my station profile, my favorite artists according to my ranking system are: Primal Scream, Roy Orbison, Johnny Cash, The Smiths, Dwight Yoakam, Eddie Money, Loverboy, John Foxx, New Order. I don't know if that's true but let's say that it is)

Scarlett Johanssen - "Falling Down"

Jesus. Not starting off well, Launchy. I am one of the 11 people in the world willing to admit I don't get the appeal of Tom Waits. Therefore, I certainly don't get the appeal of a mediocre actress covering Tom Waits. This was a bad idea. This is not good.

The Wombats - "Let's Dance to Joy Division"

I'm wondering if it played this because it knows I like Joy Division and New Order or because these guys are obviously the new "It" Brit band who probably all look like they need B12 vitamin shots? I would have probably adored this song when I was 14 and begging my mom to take me to Bills to buy import singles. It's cute enough. I guess. Meh.

Squeeze - "Cool For Cats"

Fuck. Yeah. I'm always ok with this song.

Plies - "Bust It Baby, Part 2"

First off, I thought at first that this guy's name was PILES. Which was juvenile and funny to me. But then it got FAR more juvenile and disturbing. This is one of those label-sponsored Current Hits. Now, this is "Bust It Baby, Part 2" so I can only imagine what Part 1 entailed. But as I sit here listening to this, I wonder how much further my jaw can drop. Instead of going into further details, I will just link the lyrics to this song here. Wow.

Stevie Wonder - "Part Time Lover"

I get a lot of shit from everyone I know because I don't like Stevie Wonder. Not as a person. He wears caftans a lot and that's cool with me. I like caftans too. I just don't dig his music. And you wouldn't believe the cries of injustice that go up when you say that. But guess what? I like this song. There? Happy? I'm sure it's blasphemy and this is considered his "Let Me Up (I've Had Enough)" but, well, suck it.

REO Speedwagon - "Find Your Own Way Home"

From their 2008 release of the same name. Oh dear. Oh good lord this is bad. As in "I hope there's some more Scar Jo coming up" bad.

Siouxie and the Banshees - "Cities in Dust"

(review unavailable due to the fact that Amanda spent the song's entire 3:14 duration shadow-dancing and twirling around her office with this song cranked at full volume with her door closed)

Santana - "You Just Don't Care"

You're right. I don't. Skip. Sorry.

Joe Walsh - "All Night Long"

I love Joe Walsh. You know how John McCain said he would follow bin Laden to the gates of hell? Well I would do the same to Joe Walsh only in a really positive and appreciative way. And when we got there, I would buy him taquitos for writing "Life's Been Good."

Super Furry Animals - "Herman Loves Pauline"

Obviously, this was a great choice. Pat on the back, Launchy! "Marie Curie was Polish born but French bred. HA! French bred!" Gets me every time.

The Ting Tings - "Great DJ"

If there is one thing you are not, Launch player, it is a Great DJ. This is a Current Hit. I can tell because I don't know who these people are other than maybe seeing Perez Hilton drawing cocaine trails on their faces. That and firmly believing this song will be used in an attempt to sell me a Nissan in less than a year. Yawn.

Jim Jones - "Love Me No More"

First off, does this guy not know about the Jim Jones before him? Wow. I guess if you're trying to be an edgy urban artist, it can't hurt to be associated with the guy who talked thousands of people into drinking poisoned Kool Aid.

Oh. My. God. These lyrics are insane. Seriously. "Respect my mind or respect my grind" is pretty much what I've been trying to say this whole time with this blog.

Evans Blue - "Over"

This is what the kids call "modern rock" and it's fucking atrocious. Seriously, this is the worst thing I have heard in easily a few years. I would rather listen to "Bust It Baby, Part 49" than this pile of waste. Over indeed. Game over.