Top 4 Sports Things I Don't Understand

I like sports. But sometimes it feels like I was left off the sports fan distro list. There's just some traditions that feel kind of like inside jokes I stumbled into without any explanation.

4. Blackout clothing - My poor, weak Georgia Bulldogs seem to be the biggest purveyors of this trend. And it does take on an ironic duality when, as was the case on Saturday, it becomes a stadium full of fans properly dressed to mourn the fact that their team went into halftime down 31-0. Don't get me wrong, black is slimming and flattering. You'd be hard pressed to catch me on a day when I am not wearing mostly black. Maybe in person a stadium full of black-clad fans is striking. On TV it looks like either a) empty seats b) thousands of floating disembodied heads and hands c) a great big sports funeral. And again, I cannot stress how ass-esque you must feel when you call for a fan blackout only to be beaten badly. By Alabama. The ghost of Bear Bryant just IM'ed me to tell me he thinks blackouts are dumb too. Then he added a hearty "LOL" and an emoticon of a smiley face wearing Ray Bans. Oh Bear!

3. The mini-high fives after each free throw in basketball (exception for Shaq in the event that he sinks a free throw) - Free throws have always been a little point of contention for me. In a close game in the final seconds, they can be exciting. But mostly it's handing a basketball player a basketball, putting them up relatively close to the basket, telling them to not worry about defenders and then giving them some time to think it over and shoot the ball only when they feel ready. It's kind of the Special Kids shot. I guess people in front of you waving bricks might throw you off a little. But if given the choice between 270 pounds worth of Carlos Boozer body mass coming towards me as I am taking a shot or ignoring the mental psych-out of some masonry-based signs, I will take the free throw. So I have never understood why, after EVERY free throw, two team members must come up to reassure and congratulate the shooter regardless of whether they make the shot or not. I get that it's a morale thing. I guess I just want to work a job where people high five me even when I fuck up.

2. Baseball

1. Jerseys (Pink) - Here's something you might or might not know about me. I HATE JERSEYS. Clearly not the player wearing their jersey during the game. I support that. Put it this way: are you THAT guy? That guy being the guy that wears the band's t-shirt to the band's show. Or worse, are you the guy that buys the shirt at the merch booth the minute you get into the venue then throws it on (creases and all) over whatever you are wearing? "Hey man, that's a pretty badass shirt? Where did you get it? Oh, 20 yards to the right over at the merch booth, huh?" It's cool you want to support the band and buy some merch. But do you also immediately throw on new clothes you buy at Target before you even leave the store? But whatever, you're a jersey person and I guess there's room for both of us in this world. What there is no room for in this world is me and anyone who finds pleasure in wearing a pink jersey. You are presumably female if you have found your way into a pink jersey. And I guess you want to retain some femininity whilst supporting your favorite team or player. My gut instinct also tells me that you're the girl who drinks Michelob Ultra, has dressed your dog up in an amusing outfit for family Christmas card photos and types "ROFL" in Comic Sans MS font at the top of your "funny forwards." In the words of Sniff Petrol, Comic Sans MS is the font of dicks. Your pink jersey is Comic Sans MS font. Bold. 22 point. Seriously, please cut the shit with the pink jerseys.