Interception on the first drive. Apparently T.O. feels like he shouldn’t have to run at full speed since it’s his birthday. You know what else happened on December 7th? Pearl Harbor. Let’s see if the fine tradition of bombing continues today.
OH MY GOD, SOMEONE PLEASE PUSH ON WADE PHILIP’S TUMMY WITH THEIR INDEX FINGER! HE LOOKS LIKE THE PILSBURY DOUGHBOY IN HIS PUFFY WINTER COAT. OR THE MICHELIN MAN. OR WINNIE THE POOH IF WINNIE THE POOH HAD TO SHOVEL THE SNOW OFF HIS DRIVEWAY IN THE MORNING.
I had no idea that the Steelers hired Omar Epps as their coach.
4th and inches = Cowboys losing their goddamned minds and handing the ball to the fullback. Which, shockingly, didn’t work.
Little known fact: when Pacman Jones is on the ground immediately after letting a kicked football slip through his hands, he kicks his feet around and thrashes much like the fit I pitched when my mom wouldn’t let me go see the movie Cocktail in the theater when I was 8.
They are now looking at Pacman, who is injured. I hope it’s not his money-throwing hand.
Injury update: Pacman tweaked his shoulder, Jason Witten has a hurt ankle and, quite possibly my favorite bizarre sports injury update, Terrance Newman has blurred vision. Sounds like someone needs to lay off the pregame White Chocolate Martinis.
Maybe during halftime, I will share with you my theory on the Cowboys ongoing effort to injure themselves in the least manly, most dainty ways. Seriously? Pinkie finger? Little toe? Blurred vision? The shortlist for the next injuries include inner ear infection and ingrown toenail.
Oh wait, Holland is down now. We’ve decided it’s probably early-onset menopause.
Tony Romo, on 4th and 2, throws the ball to……well, I don’t know how to put this……the turf? The turf approximately 10 yards past T.O.
Now the fun part of this game is guessing what the next Cowboy injury could be. I’m saying Flozell Adams gets beheaded in the 3rd.
There’s 6 minutes left in the first half and the score is 0-0. Against the #1 Steelers defense. Methinks the Dallas defense, if they are able to not do things like come down with random obscure Medieval diseases, are not too shabby either.
While it has in no way been pretty, I am totally okay with us going into the half tied at 3-3.
I just invented a device that can be fit on any Dallas Cowboys player which, should they try to call a time out when they have no more time outs, gently shocks them in the genital region.
Third quarter in the first Steelers possession, Orlando Scandrick sacks Big Ben. That’s kind of like me beating Andre the Giant at a thumb wrestling match.
Apparently, also like how Pearl Harbor was a big surprise, T.O. will linger in the end zone while Tony Romo scrambles and scrambles some more until somehow the ball ends up in his precious hands for a touchdown. I have no idea how that worked.
Man, Steelers fans sure to hate their own team. Steelers down 10-3 to the Cowboys and the fans seem ready to collectively lynch their own team. You people in Pennsylvania really have to find some sort of outlet for all your home-team-booing, battery-throwing anger.
They just announced that Jason Witten had to have x-rays on his chest. Which confirms our theory that someone would suffer a nipple sprain.
Big Ben sacked again for a loss of 6 yards. Seriously, this Cowboys defense is not that bad. Not that bad at all.
I have a theory that Wade’s coat is filled with Honey Buns.
Steelers denied on the 4th down. Ouch.
Bradie James down. At this point, we are guessing it is a sudden case of the bubonic plague.
Bradie James is back. Apparently even archaic diseases can’t keep the Dallas defense down.
Romo was intercepted. Which results in a Steelers touchdown. And then the Cowboys collapsed. Completely. It really doesn’t matter because, even though this wasn’t a “must win” game, we are still building a campsite deep within Deep Shit country. Awesome. I feel GREAT about the game against the Giants!!! Go Mediocre Cowboys!!!!!
We are now consoling ourselves with some shots of tequila and a Smiths playlist.
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