Time to lay off Tony Romo for a bit and throw some questions out there. Any feedback is appreciated.
#1. Who will beat the Patriots?
They will not go 16-0. They came within a field goal of overtime and a touchdown of shame and humiliation. At the hands of a Donovan McNabb-less Philadelphia Eagles. Their number is about to be called. Will it be the Steelers? Will the wishes of a million virgin unicorns come true when the Dolphins suddenly learn how to play football and crush the Patriots? Actually, I don't care about the regular season. I lay in bed at night dreaming of the Patriots being knocked out in the first round of the playoffs by a wild card team. You know, where the best team in the entire league gets knocked out in the first round. I mean, maybe in football because there's always the chance that the playoff game is a fluke. But that's just in football. Any other sport with series playoffs negate any chance of a shitty team beating a Goliath team. Hold on, the 2006-2007 Golden State Warriors are IM'ing me.
#2. What's with the Mavericks and the 4th quarter?
Dear Mavericks, please realize that games are not won in the first three quarters nor are they desperately eeked out in the final minutes of the fourth quarter. You have lost two in a row and the two you won before those were by the skin of your teeth. San Antonio is off to the best start in franchise history. We hate them. Our hatred for their entire franchise and existence keeps us alive. I know I said that I wasn't concerned with the losses in the regular season, within reason, but something seems to have upset your momentum. Is Jason Terry's headband too tight? Does Avery have laryngitis? Is Mark Cuban giving the speech at halftime? You know that every time Stackhouse sings the National Anthem, the Mavs win. Just saying.
#3. How do you get a delay of game in the midst of kicking a pivotal field goal?
I've heard of rookie mistakes. But sweet baby Jesus, that's amateur. Hey, at least it gave the 49'ers a win. I let my grandmother win a game of Scrabble on Thanksgiving too. She never needs to know that "Euugh" is not actually an acceptable Scrabble word.
#4. How do I make the internet come to my house and haunt my laptop?
This has been a nagging problem for me. You see, if I had internet access at home this blog would be so frequently updated that you would never have to think for yourself ever again. One problem. No internet at my place. Now, I have long had the desire to remedy this problem. Here's where the whole thing goes pear-shaped:
- I refuse to have a land line phone. Just like I refuse to have polio. We collectively, as a society, have gotten past that. I don't care if you bundle it with every crappy service your company offers and throw in whatever you have in the prize closet. I am not buying what you are selling.
- My neighbors may or may not be involved in the mass production of methamphetamines. Therefore knocking on their door and asking them if they mind sharing their wireless password with me in a tremendous show of neighborly holiday love is not an option. Besides, the smell of ammonia makes me sick.
- Cable: see land line phone. I may eventually move into the realm of satellite television because Jerry Jones told me to. But for now, I have a 14" television made by a company called PROformance that was manufactured in 1984. Getting cable or satellite for me is the equivalent of the owner of a 1998 Dodge Neon investing in rims. And a security system. And car insurance for that matter.
- A wireless card through a mobile carrier is really expensive.
I feel like there is some Skull and Bones society that I must gain entrance into to learn the secrets of wireless internet providers. If anyone would like to meet me outside the Freemason's building downtown this afternoon, I will give you any harvestable organs I have that you may require in return for any help you can offer in my search for the internet. Thanks.
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