I'll See Those "Pick Up My Dry Cleaning" Comments and Raise You

I picked the wrong time to leave the room. I don't know why I was watching the Saints-Vikings game last night. I don't play fantasy football. I don't have any sort of special interest in the outcome of game. Maybe it's because I am a sucker for Monday Night Football. But in a dull moment during the first quarter, I left the room in the midst of a conversation between Tony Kornheiser and Mike Tirico about the extremely happy working relationship between Sean Payton and his beloved quarterback Drew Brees. They were talking about how Brees has made statements about never wanting to play for anyone but Sean Payton and how the feelings were, um, reciprocated.

The back and forth seemed like filler but just as I walked out of the room, someone gave me a gem.

"You know, in some European countries these guys would be picking out furniture right about now."

Wow. Awesome. I'm no fan of political correctness but really? The statement is funny to me for many reasons which I will outline for you now:

a) the insinuation that because Sean Payton and Drew Brees have a very healthy professional relationship, they are gay for each other

b) that gay people in general or, perhaps more confusing, gay couples who go furniture shopping are an exclusively European thing

c) that the litmus test for the relationship between Sean Payton and Drew Brees is if they have become so secure in their long-term commitment to each other that they are willing to take the next step of going furniture shopping together

The only problem is that, since the sentence happened as I walked out of the room, I don't know which ESPN Monday Night genius can be credited with this statement.

Part of me wants it to be Tony Kornheiser so he can officially be named Second Most Wheels-Off Football Broadcaster on Television Today, coming in right behind (settle down) the perpetually drunk and belligerent Tony Bradshaw. I want to think that Tony Kornheiser has no sense of self-censoring or is injected with some sort of truth serum moments before the broadcast begins. Kind of like how my elderly grandmother blurts out mildly offensive racial stereotypes at any restaurant you take her to. Last time, it was her loudly mentioning how surprised she was to see so many "round eyes" working at PF Changs.

But part of me wants it to have been Mike Tirico's turn to become the Oppressed Straight White Guy's Torette-inflicted spokesman. Because I like the idea of having double the opportunity on each Monday night of hearing some sort of Michael Richards meltdown during a coach's challenge.

I guess what I'm saying is that hearing someone insinuate that Sean Payton and Drew Brees are hot for each other was the most exciting moment of the Saints-Vikings game to that point. Followed shortly thereafter by an Ed Hochuli-helmed officiating team missing a facemask on Reggie Bush and nearly causing Sean Payton to physically attack multiple referees. What a queen! Meow!