Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Liveblogging Anaphylactic Shock

I originally intended to simultaneously liveblog both game 2 of the Mavs-Hornets playoffs rapefest and the long overdue cleaning of my shamefully messy apartment. Because maybe it would serve as a metaphor for redemption and show that no matter how badly you let things go (using plastic picnic ware for plates because all the actual plates and cutlery were buried in Mount Dirty Dishes), you can always climb back to the top with a little hard work. Turns out there is only one entity lazier than me. It's the Mavs. Enjoy:

(A note here. I realized very quickly into this that I have no idea how you mark time in a basketball game. So when I denote time, I mean how much time has elapsed in that quarter. I could write out "into the _____ quarter" after that but I've already declared my laziness so it should go without saying that blah blah blah. Also, hypothetically, am I supposed to have a calculator and do the quick subtraction and be able to tell you that these moments all occurred 12:00 - 3:48 = 8:53 into the quarter? The fact that a career in sports journalism is not really a possibility is becoming rapidly apparent to me.)

1st Quarter:

8:04 - Tyson Chandler gets fouled. Speaking of foul, what died in my trash can? Seriously, Jesus may have built Ministry’s hot rod but Satan apparently is responsible for the contents of my kitchen’s garbage can. Hint from Heloise: don’t make Homemade Tortilla Soup then say “fuck it” when it comes to taking out the trash that contains boiled down chicken remnants. You may regret it sometime in the near future.

6:40 – Dampier elbows West. My cat throws up in protest in front of the TV. I kind of don’t blame him. Dirk dunks. My cat stops covering his puke long enough to stare at the replay.

4:42 – West fouls Dirk behind the 3 point line. He should see Dr. Tylock. I see him regularly in my nightmares.

2:52 – Two names I am already sick of hearing : Chandler and West.

After buzzer - Brad Davis : “Boy if you like offense, this was your quarter.”

Yes, Brad. It was. But really, what kind of person is the basketball fan that goes “You know, I LOVE basketball but I’m really not that into offense. All that running and shooting and scoring points and stuff. Yeah I hate that. But blocking shots? And defensive three second calls? God, that really gets me going. My dream score is both teams somewhere in the low 20s”

The only good thing I can gain from that first quarter is that most of the fans in the stands already suffer from advanced cirrhosis of the liver so that was kind of like the Make-A-Wish quarter.

(I also used this time between quarters to take out the offensive trash bags. The fear of a trash juice rupture that could occur any time lead me to gingerly tiptoe to the dumpster then once I reached the safety of the garbage pen outside my back door I hurled the offending bags like Molotov cocktails and ran back in my apartment. They’re someone else’s problem now.)

2nd Quarter:

9:05 – Bass for MVP. If only because he scored the first points for the Mavs in the second quarter. After more than three minutes into it. I’ll start making the shirts.

Mark Followill – Don’t say “shout out” ever. You sound like the kid that does the morning announcements in high school on the PA. Don’t forget that yearbook money is due this week and PJ Friday is this Friday!

7:31 – Stack just made an AMAZING ninja-like pass. To Bonzi Wells.

Dirk offensive rebound, Kidd basket, Kidd steal, turnover, Hornets score, Dirk fouled. Man, efffff this. Those radio people must be on crank or something. This is hard and confusing and boring. I get distracted by stuff too easily. My radio play by play is more:

"Have I mentioned that I think that the team doctor Casey is hot? Oh wait, sorry Josh Howard shooting free throws. He made that first one. This afghan is itchy. Why do I even have it on my lap, it’s warm in here? Oh wait, because my laptop battery gets hot. Oh shit, didn’t watch the second free throw. Jason Kidd threw it far after he missed it. Defensive three seconds on New Orleans. Bonzi is a stupid name. Commerical break. Jack in the Box doesn’t want to wear a silly hat. Fly Southwest.”

The Mavs are a pretty good basketball team except I seem to have isolated part of their problem. They can’t “make” “baskets” which seem to be key to scoring points. They should look into that.

3:34 – Dirk dunks. I get excited that we are ONLY ten points down. Start planning a parade!

2:53 - Followill boldly declares that he is pro-Terry making three pointers. What’s next? Voting Ron Paul ’08?

WNBA tip-off is May 17th! Mark your calend…..oh nevermind. You don’t have to pretend you’re interested in women’s basketball. We’re all friends here. I remember one time on the way to watch a Mavs game my friend Chrissy brought a portable TV in the car and excitedly told me that the early game was almost over and we better hurry. I asked “Really? What’s the score?” She told me that ______ (non NBA franchise city) was beating _______ (non NBA franchise city). I responded that I believed she was watching the WNBA. We both went “Ewwwwww” and she added “I guess that explains why the score is 42 to 53.”

Halftime. Going to Fiesta to buy Fabuloso. And some dented cans. Only botulism can blot out the memory of this first half.

3rd Quarter:

3:48 left in third quarter – I am blogging with as much passion about this game as the Mavs are showing about playing this game.

2:31 – Bass for MVP

40.4 – Rad. It’s the America’s Next Top Model cycle where the righteous Caridee beats the evil Melrose. See Caridee has psoriasis and she beat it. And Melrose is an ass-kissing bitch who you are not supposed to want to win. And in the end Caridee wins. And manages to step on Melrose’s dress and rip it in the final runway walk off. So you see, sometimes good guys win. I’m also fairly sure that neither Caridee or Melrose would take as many jump shots as the Mavs are taking right now.

4th Quarter:

11:19 – Dirk apparently is calling for the seldom called “Christ in Mid-Crucifixion” foul. They never call those. You have to practically squirt Gatorade through the handholes to prove that one.

Then I made dinner while the massacre continued in the other room. In tribute to the Mavs, I made Sloppy Joes for dinner. And I used ground chicken instead of ground beef because even when the Mavs are playing sloppy, they still don't get it right.

And then in the ultimate tribute, I decided to give up on cleaning my apartment halfway through and just re-watched my two favorite episodes of Top Gear and thought about what sort of clever put-downs James May would have for the Mavs right now.

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