Sunday, November 30, 2008

Three Things Make Me Football Happy Right Now

1. After humiliating the Seahawks and kicking back on their couches to watch the Redskins fall to the Giants today, the Cowboys sit at a not-so-shabby 8-4 which makes them #2 in the NFC East. Bearing in mind, we have the pact-with-Satan Giants in the NFC East to contend with. But look at it another way: only three teams (Lucifer's own Giants, Tampa Bay and Carolina) in the entire NFC have better records than the Cowboys. I'll get to the matter of the Cowboys schedule from here on out later.

2. I like watching the New York Beelzebubs, errr, Giants play. Here's my dirty little NFC East secret: I like the Giants. A lot. I thought I could shake it off after the Super Bowl since I figured the soft spot I had for them was just a combination of rooting for the underdog, disliking Brady/Belichick and always having liked the down-to-earthness of Eli Manning and Michael Strahan. But then came this season and I still can't really completely root against them. I like Tom Coughlin for some reason. I will infinitely pick Eli over Payton in the Battle of the Mannings. I think they probably did deserve to be the Hard Knocks team this year. But the reason that they weren't is, in my opinion, part of the reason they are so good. There's a serious lack of "personalities" on the Giants team this year. So while watching Eli Manning do some Soduku puzzles with a warm glass of milk before bed doesn't make for good TV, it seems to be working out just fine when it comes to good football. Yeah.....all the New York Giants are on good behavior and not embarrassing themselves or their team.......

3. Ok, can I tell you how happy I am about the latest Plaxico Burress f-up? Bearing in mind that his injuries and subsequent criminal charges, while completely career-threatening, were not life-threatening. You know what that means, right? It means it's open season on Plaxico Burress. Seriously. You wanna be a knucklehead supreme and carry a gun into nightclub? Well, Plax, I have to hand it to you. You proved that you are more kind, considerate or perhaps (God help us all) more foolish than Pacman Jones. All I care about is that you and your ilk stop putting innocent people in your line of retard fire. So thank you, Plax. My birthday is in a week but you went ahead and gave me an early gift. The gift of laughing as I watch your already shaky NFL career come tumbling down around you because you felt like you needed "protection" and in the process, shot yourself in the leg. You should try not hanging out in nightclubs that make you feel as though you have to bring a weapon with you to be safe. See, the thing is, I think you were carrying that gun to be tough and thug-like. And I'm glad your liquored-up ass didn't decide to further prove your gangster tendencies by shooting someone other than yourself. Because, you see, you will forever be known now as the dumbass who shot himself in the leg with his concealed gun. Which is the least tough or intimidating thing you could have done with a gun. You are now the punchline of a joke Jeff Foxworthy is saving up for his appearance on Showtime at the Apollo. And you missed the chance to play against the Giants too! I am sure you would have gotten a rousing reception during the Sean Taylor Ring of Honor induction ceremony. I would have loved to have seen that.

On to December. I have a feeling we won't use the word "boring" much to describe the next month of Cowboys football.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Hello, Hello It's Good to Be....ugh....

The boycott is over! You Go Live in Utah is back on top of the Dallas sports blogging game. Much like how baseball went on strike from itself a while ago, I have been on strike from blogging about the Cowboys or Mavericks.

But two things happened in the past week that have brought me back.

1. The story about Tony Romo paying for a homeless man to come watch Role Models with him and a buddy. Which has officially made it next to impossible to ridicule him and most certainly not with the intensity with which I have ridiculed him in the past. You won this one, Romo. But there's still hope for a DWI or bastard child yet.

2. Tracy McGrady’s face when he missed the three pointer with 40 seconds left in the game last night. The three pointer that would have made it a one possession game. The three pointer that could have saved the Rockets from losing to the supposedly (and frequently actually) awful Mavericks. You know, that three pointer? That face Tracy McGrady made? The one similar to the face that most everyone who was involved in Sunday’s chili cookoff made sometime on Monday morning? That face?
Yep, that’s what blogging is all about. Random acts of kindness (and dude-brahness) and watching Tracy McGrady fail. I’m back! *

*I did not actually stop blogging as a boycott of those franchise’s poor showings. I got a new job and had to buy a new laptop. But I like making bold stands where they are completely unnecessary.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I was born in Albany, Georgia. I was baptized at St. Paul's Episcopal Church in Albany, Georgia. It's my (and Ray Charles') hometown. My mom emailed me this morning to tell me that Albany was on the front page of the New York Times.

Growing up, I saw some pretty terrible displays of racism in Albany. I heard people that I knew and, in some cases, relatives of mine say derogatory things about black people. And from a very young age, it made me mad. Livid, actually. I couldn't understand it and I remember coming back to Texas after a Georgia visit and telling my mom that I finally knew what the meanest people in the world were called. They were called "racists" and I told her that I didn't ever want to be friends with people who were like that.

Which is why this story about Albany from the front page of The New York Times has reduced me, yet again, to tears.

I'm not the only one though. My best friend Chrissy, who lives in London now, is pregnant with her first child. She voted for Obama, as she's still a US citizen. I got this from her this morning:

And I am still on an emotional high. I saw probably the sweetest thing I have ever seen in my life. At the newsagent near my office, I went in to get a bottle of OJ this morning and there was an African woman in there holding hands with her little boy - probably 3-4 years old. They were in front of the newspaper racks, and she was pointing at the front pages saying 'His daddy was from Africa like your daddy. You stay a good boy and grow up to be a good, honest man and you can become something special, too'. Amanda, I fucking lost it! I couldn't hold back the tears as I walked the rest of the way to work. This is a VERY big thing - more than just a figurehead for our government. It's setting a new standard for millions of people. Amazing, just totally amazing.

So I cried over that. I cried watching the speech last night. I cried seeing 'your buddy' Jesse Jackson crying. I cried at the fact I got a text message from you saying you were crying. And I'm about to start crying now just thinking about all this crying.

For a bit of comic relief (and maybe giving me a chance to stop crying tears of joy for like ten minutes), I relay this from my friend Adam (via Dave):

Favorite thing I've read so far from a random Twitterer:
"I'm totally shitfaced on hope right now, you guys. Someone hold my hair while I get my audacity on."

Truer words never spoken.

But then it's back to crying as I look at the text message that my mom sent me the moment they called the election for Obama:

"You can breathe now. I am proud of you and your generation. I love you and thank you for voting"

And finally, if you ever wondered what is the easiest way to become a former friend of mine, Myspace-wise, let me offer you a perfect example:

Welcome to The Socialist Republic Of America!
God help usall. Barack Hussean Obama was just elected President. Guard your wallet. We're about to have the biggest tax increase in the history of the USA. My prediction, the stock market will crash upon this news. I'm all about helping out the poor, I just think it should be done through the church, not the gov. I fully expect accusations of being a racist. Fire away.

Though our Myspace friendship was brief, I wish you all the luck with your hate-mongering, which presumably you will be able to sneak in between typing lessons and English 101. Happy trails, retard.

YES, WE CAN and indeed YES, WE DID.

The Mavs beat the Spurs, the Spurs are winless so far this season, I'm riding out my last three days of my two weeks notice at a job I hate before I head into a job I love and last night, Barack Obama was voted President of the United States of America.

Today, most assuredly, does not suck.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Is it any wonder I reject you first?

Let's get this out of the way: any current Cowboys quarterback not named Tony Romo sucks, Marion Barber's inability to gain more than two or three yards per run sucks, the surreal number of penalties the Cowboys have steadily accrued each game of this season sucks, the continuing plague of Cowboys injuries sucks, letting Jason Witten play (as well-intended as it may have been) with a broken rib in a game we had very little chance of winning at any point sucks.

I am assuming those are the main talking points on Dallas sports radio today. And yes, those things suck. But I was struck by two contradictory statements I heard during the pre-game show on Fox and during the Cowboys game. Everyone on the pregame show agreed that Jerry Jones must have suffered from some post-Botox dementia when he thought that it would be totally alright not to have a decent, young backup for Tony Romo.

Then, as Brooks Bollinger practiced passing straight to a Giants receiver on the sidelines, Troy Aikman defended Jerry's choice by saying something like, "If you had asked me at the beginning of season whether or not it would be okay to have a 40 year old Brad Johnson as a backup just in case anything happened to Romo, I would have thought that would have been fine, in the event that Johnson would have to play two or three games while Romo got better." Which is why Troy Aikman should not be allowed to make any major decisions regarding football or car dealerships.

The pregame guys were right. But it's very easy to say that, being in the position (bottom of the NFC East) that the Cowboys are in right now. Had Romo not gotten hurt and had the defense and the offensive line not started to slip before the injury, I'm sure no one would be making a sound about the backup quarterback situation. But that's why you get a decent backup quarterback. It's the same premise as car insurance or a change of clothes in your carry-on. You pray you won't need it but if the situation arises, you don't look like an uninsured, pit-stained nightmare.

Then I thought about what really boils my blood about the whole situation. Let's take, as an example, the Denver Broncos last year signing Patrick Ramsey as their backup QB. Now, I'm not saying the Cowboys should even pursue someone as in-demand as Ramsey. But for the sake of the argument, let's say they did. Denver signed Ramsey to a two-year, $5m contract. Again, I'm not saying someone like Ramsey is the key to the Cowboys victory in the face of a Romo injury. But, at $2.5m a year (plus a small signing bonus), Ramsey is a drop in the salary bucket for Jerry Jones.

But instead, Jerry Jones went for Pacman Jones, about whom the kindest descriptive phrase I can think of would be "liability." If I am Jerry Jones and I am thinking about which scenario could be more catastrophic to my team's season, I am looking at either:

a) not getting Pacman Jones, having a weak corner and perhaps that situation getting so bad that I would have to trade before the deadline if I felt like I needed someone who could cover and run the ball back more effectively

b) not getting a decent (all apologies to Brad Johnson, who may have, on paper, looked to be a decent backup) backup quarterback and Romo suffering an injury that takes him out of four games

I think I know which situation seems more dire to me. But that's where my beef with Jerry comes into play. I think Jerry Jones is the Colonel Parker of football. All that matters is the brand and the fame. All that matters is seat licenses and jersey sales. "Any press is good press/there's no such thing as bad publicity/as long as they spell your name right/you know you're doing something right if everyone is talking about you." Jerry is fame hungry and wants to build a team that makes headlines as often as they make tackles. You don't get a face lift unless you intend to get lots of face time on-camera.

I don't think it's exactly fair to blame Wade Philips for all this mess. Or Tony Romo's messed up pinkie or Felix Jones or Matt McBriar or Jason Witten. I am angry at Jerry Jones. I don't understand why he goes for scandal instead of statistics. You can't convince me at this point that Jerry does not relish in the attention, good or bad, that his team gets.

And speaking of people who prefer hype and headlines to football, this , is absurd. And if it is proven to be the work of TO, should lead to a Jerry Jones-enforced fine.

The Dallas Cowboys are the girl who was voted off American Idol somewhere in the middle of the season but not before flashing her tits at the judges then falling off the stage drunk. She now does appearances at local nightclub openings and for an extra $10, will autograph copies of her self-released sex tape. She wants to let you know that she's glad she got kicked off the show because she's just recorded her own self-financed debut album and it will be for sale on her website soon. She will end up on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew in a year, talking about how her money is all gone and she blows her weed dealer for any roaches he has lying around. But at least if she's on TV, she's still famous. Just like the Cowboys! Everyone knows them! They're America's Team!