Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Starting from the Start Because It's as Good a Place as Any

Maybe the Mavs heard me. I said in a blog entry here that I wanted to start this Mavs season off with fresh eyes. Those fresh eyes are the eyes of a fan who has been let down by her team so many times that she has absolutely no reason to believe that the team will even make the playoffs. You can call it cynical or pessimistic but it's not. I have no way to anticipate how Rick Carlisle will coach this team. I have no way of knowing if Dirk Nowitzki's tiny, precious, crepe paper ankles will snap in half should someone accidentally point a box fan in his general direction. I am praying that Dallas Mavericks fans will not turn Josh Howard's ill-advised flag comments into some sort of Dixie Chicks/Toby Keith "love it or leave it" all season. Because we all know that Josh Howard doesn't need ANY distractions during the second half of the game.

It seems like maybe the Mavs organization itself is taking a page out of my Wait and See book. If this headline doesn't give you a Starting From Square One vibe, I don't know what will:

(from the Dallas Morning News today, admittedly following Press Day)

Dallas Mavericks' Josh Howard takes first step

Now please for the love of Basketball Jesus, just don't let him step anywhere near Dirk. Seriously, the ankle!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I Tried This When I Was in School Too

You have to be kidding me. McCain has suspended all campaigning and asked that Friday's debate be cancelled or postposted. His official reasoning is that the economic crisis is so bad (and apparently to him, so sudden also) is that he feels it is appropriate to "put aside partisanship and campaigning" to avert this potential financial distaster. Only a few problems with this...

1. The ridiculous notion that Old Man McCain is going to go in there like gangbusters (or better yet, Ghostbusters) and roll up his sleeves and get this shit fixed. Obama and McCain were to issue a join statement backing the 700 billion government bailout when suddenly the McCain campaign announced this decision to heroicly save the day. It's putting on a show for people (his base?) who are foolish enough to believe that his suspending his campaign and not participating in the debates would have any effect on the situation.

2. So once people figure out that McCain isn't going to Washington to whip out his personal checkbook and write a check out to CASH in the amount of 700 billion dollars, they are naturally going to wonder why he would suddenly do this. Then they will instantly remember the times when they were in school and realized they had not finished an important paper or had not studied for an important test. And how they panicked and thought of every excuse to get out of it from calling in a bomb threat to the school to telling the school that they felt like the two months that had passed since the death of the family's beloved goldfish had not been proper bereavement time. Of course, none of them had the balls to ask that the test be pushed back. I mean if McCain was doing this the right way, he would have pulled a Redd Foxx and grasped his chest and claimed he was coming to join his fallen 'Nam buddies the day of the debate.

3. Something smells so fishy about this to me that I think it might be something a lot more serious than a last minute attempt to save the embarassment of being steamrolled by Obama if he felt he was ill-prepared to debate. I think more interesting is the timing of this move based on (I can't believe I am about to type the name of this publication in relation to a presidential race) National Enquirer story that hit today about Sarah Palin having an affair with her husband's former business partner. Not too shocking unless you are a Republican and you really wanted to believe that Sarah Palin was the upright Christian girl it was okay to touch yourself to. But more worryingly, she used her power as governor to file an emergency order that his divorce records (in which his family members tesified under oath about the affair) be sealed. Now, do I think that's worth all this hubub? Nope. But it sets an interesting precendent of Palin abusing her position of power to her own personal gain.

Now remember how the State of Alaska is investigating her handling of "Troopergate" and the McCain campaign desperately tried to legally have the release of the report pushed back until after the election? But they lost that battle big time and the release actually was moved up to......October 3rd. Meaning at this point, the McCain campaign could very well have an idea of what is contained in that report. If the report finds that Palin once again abused her powers while Governor.....

The University of Mississippi (the site of Friday's debate) says it is going forward in preparation for the debate. Wow, progress huh?

Someone get McCain some Red Bull and every newspaper from every city in the country, STAT!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Turophobia - Year Two

Thanks NBC. First completely useless football stat thrown at us before Green Bay even makes a single play.

But that’s okay because they only got one in before they fumbled and we recovered and ran it back to Green Bay’s 14 yard line. I take it back about the useless stats. Keep ‘em comin’.

Danny thought they should go for it on 4th and 3, two minutes into the game. Danny should not be trusted to make any important decisions about anything and hopefully is only allowed to use safety scissors at work.

Everyone is noticing how nonplussed we were about that field goal. Wake me when we get to 40 points.

John Madden’s voice takes on a much more breathy tone when there’s brats on a grill being shown coming back from commercials.


Is it a sack when the quarterback in question really just decided to cop a squat?
They really should reconsider having defensive linemen introduce themselves and let everyone know what school they attended. It ends up being a great disservice to both their alma mater and higher learning in general.

I take back all the manorexia comments about you Jason Witten. You are a big Arby’s slab of tight end man.

Intercepted in the end zone? The only person who can bring him down is TO? These are not my Cowboys. This is not my beautiful team.

It’s official: field goals are the refuge of the weak.

I have no idea what just happened. Tony Romo almost sacked. Throws the ball as he goes down. Caught but fumbled but caught again. Then ball bursts into flames and ascends into the heavens and disintegrates into stardust only to rain back down onto the field as one million Dave and Busters tokens.

Tony Romo just got sacked for the 97th time. True story.

“What can I say? Fast cars are hot.” I guess the writer’s strike had no adverse effects on the new Knight Rider series then.

Another new NFL fact: The Dallas Cowboys now hold the record for playing the two most unsackable quarterbacks in professional football in consecutive weeks. I can only imagine what next week holds. Perhaps a quarterback who can actually levitate? One that turns invisible just after the snap?

The Cialis “bathtubs on the beach” commercials are a comedy fountain. You can run with that in a direction of your choosing.

TOUCHDOWN! Everyone high fives. Then we rewind it approximately five times to watch Wade Philips post-touchdown Pillsbury Doughboy reaction. Or as someone points out, “If he had a speech bubble over his head right now, it would just say ‘HAMBURGERS’”

Danny’s controversial opinion on Subway’s Jared: “That guy’s been stealing money for 15 years.”


I have nothing to say about this third quarter so far other than “shitballs”

It’s nice that we held them to a field goal. It’s not as nice that everyone in the room has the Sunday Night Football theme song embedded deep within their brains.

TOUCHDOWN! Marion Barber and Witten with a cheddar bacon cheeseburger block. The hamburger theme has really taken hold. For the first time in the game, a few cheers have gone up for the extra point? Hmmmm, I don’t know if I can get behind that.

We rewind it to see what Dave kindly point out as Scandrick’s “butthole square on the turf” which is actually a jarring shot of Scandrick’s semi-bare ass. It’s then pointed out that the game has been rewound enthusiastically for Wade Phillips’ “HAMBURGER” moment and the Scandrick bare ass moment. Sadly, when one member of our watching party was out of the room for the freakish Tony Romo fumble/catch/fumble/catch/first down play, the game was less enthusiastically rewound. What does that say? Skin and hamburgers sell.

Jay Ratliff gets a sack and then turns into some sort of weird amalgam of the Hulk and Frogger.

Wow. A Cowboys three and out that ended with 3rd and 25 and Tony Romo barely escaping a sack and throwing the ball to the back of Marion Barber’s elbows. But it gets better. False start on the punt. Apparently, that’s possible. Then a long punt and a fight. I have no idea what’s going on. Where did I park my truck? Who’s got my wallet?

Weirdest news brief ever. “You know who’s never won an Emmy until tonight? DON RICKLES. Don Rickles just won an Emmy!”

I was kind of hoping that the fact that they just mentioned that there was a “gaping hole” on the field would be allowed to pass peacefully into to the night without any sort of comments. I do not get my wish.

Apparently TO didn’t want to catch that pass that was thrown to him so he batted it down.

TOUCHDOWN! Miles Austin caught a pass that no human should have ever caught. Seriously, where’s my truck?

I have no idea what Al Michaels means by this but he just went from praising Jason Witten’s abilities as both a receiver and a blocker to saying that he would play with Jason Witten anytime, anywhere. It became highly homoerotic and I don’t know if he was referring to fantasy football or some sort of lucid dreaming flag football game that he will be enjoying later tonight.

Al Michaels and John Madden are officially hammered and have started quoting Josh Howard. During a brief segment about how they make chocolate in Wisconsin, the only commentary they could come up with was a giggle, knee slap and “That’s crazy!”

Misc. quote during the commercials: “Dude, I totally saw Tom Petty last month and he didn’t play ‘The Waiting’ and I was so pissed.” The response to which was, “You should totally Myspace him and leave him a nasty comment about it.”

Wackiest desperation play of the game: Green Bay forward pass that, unfortunately for them, came with a minute and a half left in the game and on a first down. Apparently, the entire Green Bay Packers also don’t know where they trucks collectively are.

The most well-deserved rewind of the entire game: the completely unsolicited Wade Phillips “Come On!” that occurs with 50 seconds left in the game, with the Cowboys well in the lead and there really not being any need to yell out anything but directions to the airport. If I ever become a Make a Wish kid retroactively, I want my Make a Wish to be to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with Wade Phillips. The End.

Friday, September 19, 2008

I'm Consistently Funny and Engaging But Yet Don't Make the Top Three

Thanks to Yahoo Sports for saying nice stuff about my tiny Mavs blog here:

Yahoo Sports Ball Don't Lie

I didn't make the top three but I did get the honorable mention nod next to Mark Cuban's blog and since that guy seems to be doing pretty well for himself, I can at least console myself with that. In fact, if team owners got a vote, I might have ranked higher:

Amanda Cobra
September 18 at 10:16pm
too bad your blog and mine were the two mavs blogs that didn't quite make the cut for yahoo sport's top mavs blogs but at least we got the two honorable mentions, right?

congrats, i guess.

Mark Cuban
September 18 at 11:36pm
Report Message
i think you should have made it !!

So take that, Yahoo!

Why I Am Not Too Worked Up About Josh Howard by Amanda Cobra

I suppose I should be spearheading an angry letter writing campaign demanding for the trade of Josh Howard. Or better yet, I should be fashioning a makeshift torch out of today's sports section of the Dallas Morning News (more of a comment on how entertaining a read I find it to be) and rounding up fellow angry villagers to storm the castle and demand the monster be brought to us. But I just am not that angry. Just like how I wasn't angry when Josh Howard admitted to smoking weed in the off-season. Maybe Josh Howard has lost the ability to shock me. But wait, that's not true!

I can think of at least one Josh Howard incident that still gets me worked up. It was the birthday party thing where in the midst of choking in the first round of the playoff last season, Howard saw fit to throw himself a little b-day shindig and hand out invites to said shindig in the locker room. All I could think of was how when I was a kid, I loved going to Wet and Wild but my birthday was in December. So I would always bitch about how I would never get to have a birthday party at Wet and Wild. One day my mom pointed out that you can have your birthday party any day of the year and if I wanted, I could just move my birthday temporarily to June to accommodate Wet and Wild's hours of operation. I should hope in the future that Josh Howard adheres to the Wet and Wild birthday logic. Birthday parties are not manifest destiny, dude.

But without getting too ranty or political, I just can't get outraged about his most recent shenanigans. It was stupid, that's for sure. But I guess the reason I can't get too worked up about it is because it's not the incendiary statement of a Huey P. Newton trying to tear the fabric of a nation apart. It's Urkel. It's Urkel talking into a camera phone at a flag football game. I kind of wish the follow up press release was a heartfelt "Diiiiiiid I doooooooooo thaaaaaaaat?" though no one ever asks me to write their mea culpa press releases anymore. His statement, though I guess I should be deeply offended as an Amuuuuurican, reminded me of when my skateboarding boyfriend in 8th grade would draw the flag upside down on his backpack or write something about BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU on his Government textbook. I am just surprised Josh didn't follow it up by kindly explaining to the camera that all barcodes add up to 666.

I will be horribly offended if Josh Howard chokes in the second half like he tended to do last season. Because, in his words, "I don't believe in that shit."

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Mr. Jackson, I Have Leon Lett on Line One for You...

Let me start by saying that I took a little notebook and pen with me to Adair's with the good intention of taking notes. You know, just in case anything noteworthy or interesting happened during the game. Needless to say, sometime just before the half, the pen exploded, molten lava came gushing forth from it, the notebook spontaneously combusted and the entire bar burned down.

Also, before anyone points it out, I know that Desean Jackson's Most Awesome Fuck Up Ever didn't actually have any impact on the game because the Eagles were able to score from the one yard line on the next snap. The one yard line AKA Where The Party Really Starts For Desean Jackson. But when Football Jesus looks through the hole in Texas Stadium and wants to see a good comedy bit, he dials up something like that. Sometimes Football Jesus is a spiteful visual comedian and gives us things like this:

But then he waits a little over a decade and makes it up for you by having the Desean Jackson throw away a perfectly good touchdown one yard shy of the end zone with no defenders anywhere near him. And so for that, Leon Lett will be sending a cookie bouquet today.

I can't really wrap my head around the badassness of last night's game fully yet. Was it the curse words I was yelling as I thought we were going to go into the half two possessions down to the Bird Flu Eagles? Was it that Donovan McNabb annoys me with his ability to become a human turnstyle and evade what should have been no less than a dozen gender-changing sacks and even pick up yards in the process? Yes, that certainly was part of it. Was it some wacky officiating? I checked the Football Thesaurus and nowhere does it state that "pass was tipped" = "pass interference by trying to remove the receiver's arms." I know they corrected themselves on that one but usually a tipped ball gives a few indications that it's been tipped. Let's make this easier and write it like a redneck joke: if your pass leaves the hands of the quaterback and glides pristine through the air, untouched by any other human hands until it reaches its' intended receiver, you might NOT be a tipped pass.

I still want to see more Felix Jones. Which is a weird thing for me to say in a game where Marion Barber showed off like he did. But every time I see Felix Jones, I just want to cry happy tears of joy over how fast and nimble-footed he is. And the Gas Station Ham Sandwich "It Will Do, I Guess" Player of the Game Award goes to my favorite Cowboy of last season: Jason Witten. Don't get me wrong. Go ahead and insert all the nice things about how he's just a good, solid workmanly player and how he had some big catches last night, including the one that he just didn't quite make it to in time the first go around but then managed to catch and nearly get into the end zone on the next drive. But just as I noticed in the Cleveland game, he seems to go down pretty easy these days for being a fairly big tight end. I hope he's not turning manorexic or anything. I feel like just for him someone should be holding a puppy or a picture of Stewie from Family Guy at the end zone to bring that fire back into his eyes.

And T.O. didn't, to my knowledge, just try to whip it out and urinate on Donovan McNabb while he wasn't looking so all in all, I say last night was a resounding success. Huzzah!

Also, I dedicate this post to the most awesome football watching buddy I have ever had the pleasure of sharing a table with. I think his name was Mike. He was a Houston "refugee" but I think he might have been saying that for sympathy drinks. He looked exactly like Michael Strahan and was, hands down, the funniest football commentator I have had the pleasure of being amused by. Some of his gems included:

(Upon seeing Donovan McNabb evade Cowboys Sack Attempt # 202938475): "Awwwww hell no, I'm getting in my car and heading over there right now and taking this guy down my goddamn self."

(On his preferred Cowboys tackling technique vs. Philly): "Take him DOWN! Out for the season. I don't care if he just ran out of bounds, give him a shove. Go for the knee."

(On how Cowboys defensive linemen should get up once a play is over): "Make sure to throw a little elbow right on their necks when you're getting up. Beat the hell out of them."

(On the Cowboys getting away with a pretty blatant facemask): "Nah, it's not our fault those dumb motherfuckers keep putting their faces in our open hands and shit."

He also had a theory about putting salt on Cowboys player's fingers then poking those fingers in Philly players' eyes. The guy has a lot of ideas about stuff.

Friday, September 12, 2008


I use pretty much any opportunity to tell this story. So thanks, Ike for enabling me to recount one of my cherished childhood memories.

As I have written about before, my family in Georgia went to Panama City, Florida each summer. The summer of 1994 was no exception. I had my bags packed, my jorts on and Green Day's Dookie blasting out of my Walkman. It was going to be yet another kickass week at the beach. Our two vehicle convoy headed out from Leesburg, Georgia south to Florida. As was our tradition, once we crossed the border and found a fancy Publix grocery store we stopped and proceeded to buy a week's worth of groceries to feed 8 people. I was particularly excited because this was the week where my, erhm, less nutritionally-enlightened family members would allow me to eat all the crap I never got to eat back home with Hippie Mom. On this particular occasion, that meant that I would finally taste Snazzleberry Pop Tarts (or whatever fake fruit I selected). We were loaned the temporary use of a forklift to load the 385 bags of groceries that we purchased into my dad's truck and set off to our beachfront condo.

I remember, while flipping Dookie over for the umpteenth time, noticing some really weird looking storm clouds. Then ten minutes later, I remember seeing my cousin in the van ahead of us turning around and making some odd hand gesture that I thought was her signaling that she wanted to make a cake when we got to the condo. Turns out the swirling hand signal was actually, "Hurricane headed towards us."

Now, let me explain. My family owned televisions and radios. In my defense, I was 13 and I cared about cheerleading, Green Day and drawing things on my jorts in blue marker, in that order. Meteorology was not my job. Apparently, the storm (which never became a hurricane) was a strong tropical storm which at the last moment before coming onshore, suddenly started to intensify and was an hour or so from becoming one. It was also very slow moving which threatened flooding. Again, all of this was being discussed through hand signals and conversations in gas station parking lots between the adults while I was just hoping I brought enough batteries for my Walkman.

We got to the condo and started to unpack the groceries. All the local news was pretty grim. The winds were not too high but the storm was slow moving and was going to dump lots of rain. "Hmmmmm, I wonder when it would be appropriate to start toasting my Pop Tarts?" Then a police officer knocked on our door. Turns out there was a mandatory evacuation as flooding and a sudden strengthening was a concern. My law enforcement father tried to sweet talk the officer into letting us slip through the cracks. It didn't work. We all loaded our suitcases back into the cars and started heading north as the outer bands started coming in.

Then my Aunt Bon started lamenting the "$800 worth of groceries that are gonna spoil" as we ran away from the storm. Every motel we stopped at along the highway running north back into Georgia had no vacancies. But more worryingly, with each stop we made and the further we moved inland, the higher the estimated value of the groceries left behind became. Soon Bon was lambasting us for leaving behind "a goddamned thousand dollars worth of groceries in that condo." I had run out of batteries by this point in time and was now playing a game with my dad called "see how long he can tolerate me talking about how cute Daryl Johnston is." It was somewhere around 30 minutes into this game that my dad announced we were going all the way back home. Aunt Bon cursed him as this would most certainly mean the demise of "$1500 worth of perfectly good groceries."

The good news: we went back home, the storm passed, we drove back to the beach the next day, the "more than a thousand dollars" that we spent on groceries was not wasted as our beach vacation was saved. I was able to purchase more batteries on the drive back down to Florida.

The bad news: While we were on vacation, the storm stalled directly over my family's town which lies on the mouth of an easily-flooded river. Which lead to us coming back to everyone's house being flooded and such comedic moments as my grandmother trying to place calls directly into the Governor's mansion on a daily basis to let him know how "sorry" he was, my Aunt Bon once again having to deal with "a goddamn whole paycheck I just spent on groceries just goin' bad in there" and me getting the once-in-a-lifetime experience of canoeing over my childhood bedroom.

So basically, I like Ike. He makes me nostalgic. Also, later in 1994 I got to go to New York City for the first time and stand outside Rockefeller Center for the Today Show and tell Matt Lauer about how I survived the Flint River Flood that year. Then I got him to autograph my Cowboys Starter jacket. So basically, it was a great year.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

No less than five people asked me last night if I had seen this video. Yes, I have. And clearly, I am not the kind of person that formulates political opinions based on what a celebrity has to say. I don't think I have ever seen a Matt Damon movie. I was on a plane once and tried to watch the one where he is a conjoined twin with Greg Kinear. That was unsuccessful on my part.

When it comes to celebrities speaking out on politics or endorsing candidates or doing anything that could backfire and actually hurt a candidate (hi Russell Brand) I usually find that the best bet is to err on the side of STFU. But the cause of all my worries, concerns, panic, hysteria, incredulous screaming at the television and eventual loss of the ability to coherently speak have been more eloquently expressed with this video. This is exactly what keeps me up at night and gives me knots in my stomach:

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

My New Year's Sports Resolutions

I don't make New Year's resolutions. Nor do I buy Kias. But I am going to make some sports-related mid-September New-ish Year's resolutions because if Kia can redesign the Optima for 2009 (I am assuming that means they made the hamster's wheel 28% wider), I can at least make two extremely lazy goals.

1. I will not just claim that I am following Georgia football this year by bitching that Knowshown Moreno is the Rodney Dangerfield of the SEC but will actually watch the games - Ok, this is EXTREMELY lazy on my part because the next three games, at the time that I type this, are respectively CBS, ABC and once again CBS-broadcast national games. So really, the fact that I have cable and might be running errands on a Saturday are the only reasons I would NOT be watching these games. But, as the offspring of two very proud Georgia alumni and a kid who grew up going to Georgia games at Sanford Stadium, I have always rooted for them in that "If they are playing, I want them to win" sort of way. But I get lazy and don't follow the games. And I freely admit that they way bowls and standings are formulated make as much sense as this. But seeing this makes me excited about the prospects for some good Georgia bowl game action. And I firmly believe that since I was born in 1980 and that just happens to be the only year the Georgia team (and Hershel Walker) were able to actually do anything noteworthy, I am the Georgia football lucky charm. But I must confess in regards to the uproar over Moreno's leap not being included on Sportcenter's highlight reel, the guy he leaped over WAS, in fact, diving to tackle him and therefore highly leap over-able. Sorry.

A personal note to University of Georgia: This is based on particularly scarring childhood memories. It is incredibly disturbing to young children at the games to repeatedly be made aware that right next to the tunnel is the crypt where the remains of all the previous Ugas rest because it's kind of like taking your kid to watch a game at Pet Semetary. "Hey kids, you see our cute little bulldog mascot? Well, he will of course one day die and they will entomb him in cement right over there with all his other little buddies. See? Just yards away is where they put the dead dogs just like that little guy will be! Hey, who wants a footlong?" As this article in The Boston Globe points out, Sanford Stadium is the only collegiate venue with an in-house pet mausoleum! Glory Glory, indeed?

2. I really am going to try incredibly hard to be nicer to my sweet kind little wounded Mavericks because I love them so much and want to see them do well this year - I kind of feel like the Mavericks are my latchkey kids who got really out of control and finally got busted and spent some time in a juvenile detention center and have just now gotten released into my custody and I now have to be really gentle but stern with them. They really can't fuck around anymore. It's not cute anymore. They don't have any more favors to call in. They made no worthwhile trades in the off-season. Kidd and Nowitzki came back unscathed and dog-meat free from the Olympics. But I've wiped my Mavericks slate clean. I have no expectations of them now. That's neither a good nor bad thing. I can say that in the past five seasons, I have at least started the year with playoff hopes. This year, I wouldn't dream of such a thing. I just want them to try their best. Now if that sounds like surrender monkey loser talk, maybe it is. But it's better for my basketball watching mental health to not become bitter and sit around blaming Cuban for everything or Josh Howard for not being able to control what the ball do because, after all, it is crazy, man. I have kind of realized that I really didn't have much to back up my high hopes that I brought into last season and was still riding on the high of the previous season's promise. So now I've watched them plummet back to earth, down to the molten core and just hope I can get some sweet deals on tickets as fair-weather fans get distracted by laser pointers or Hole in the Wall or Sodoku or something. At least we have a team. Take that, Seattle!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Hardship #0000000000001 in Tom Brady's Life

I was listening to A Sports Radio Station here in town yesterday and I will let you guess which one it was. I decided to try listening to sports radio again now that interesting sports are back. Sports Radio Station's jocks were discussing Tom Brady's season ending injury and both of them, rather shockingly, came to the swift conclusion that, "I mean, no matter what, you gotta love Tom Brady. Everyone loves the guy. As a player, obviously. But as a person, just as a guy, no one has a bad thing to say about him. It's impossible to say a bad thing about him."

Apparently, these guys read a different internet and different doctor's office magazine's and watched a different 60 Minutes interview than I did. Now, I will give you that the internet is just full of bitter assholes and I'm probably no exception. But to say that Tom Brady is some Brett Favre-rian Everyman about whom few people can think of a bad thing to say is almost delusional to me.

I cannot deny that Brady is a phenomenal player. As in, Top 10 of All Time in his field. Nothing can negate that and watching his dexterity is astonishing. I would never try to belittle his athletic achievements or intimate that he is somehow not as good of a player as he's been given credit for being. He just is. He's one of the best ever.

Now that I have that out of the way, I can delve into why I personally and I am assuming many other people in print media and sports forums have a pretty intense dislike of the guy. For me, he represents the archetype of someone who has never and will never have to face any type of adversity in any way. I'm not saying that every athlete should be some malnourished Kenyan long distance runner who fashions his shoes out of banana leaves and strands of his dead mother's hair. And I am also not saying that being born with the winning DNA lottery ticket is in any way his cross to bear. But he very clearly exudes the air of having lived his entire life knowing that he would never want for anything. He wouldn't have to worry about academics, he's got a full athletic scholarship ride, duh. What if he didn't want to do that? Well, he could always just get lazy and be a male model, I guess. What if he got too lazy to do that? Well, he's from a pretty financially comfortably family so he could always sort of just ride that train and see where it takes him. Now, of course we know that he did end up going to Michigan and majored in organizational studies (cough cough) and so on and so forth. But again, it's hard not to see the world as being just laid at his feet.

And with all of these golden opportunities laid at the golden child's feet, I guess I would just hope for a little more hubris in interviews. Because all I get from Tom Brady in interviews is a smug knowledge that he will never have to answer for anything. Trails of pregnant ex-girlfriends and supermodel current girlfriends? Meh. Talk to the dimples. Spygate? Please refer all questions to my Stetson ads. It almost feels like with one small tweak, he could be the coolest guy on the planet. He could be football's Paul Rudd. Girls want him, guys want to be him. Of course, that one small tweak would be for him to become a likable self-deprecating human (appearing on Family Guy doesn't count, sorry) instead of a smug Prom King nightmare.

It's also worth noting that I can't be sure that this doesn't have more to do with Bill Belichick. The uproarious schadenfreude that flared up yesterday across sports media over Brady's injury could quickly be traced back to Spygate and Belichick. The most amusing comment I read, via a Deadspin commenter, was:

"At least now we'll all get to be reminded of the "genius" that Belichick demonstrated while coaching the Browns from 1991-1995."

Belichick is, clearly, not a very likable or outgoing sort of guy. Combine that with the fact that most people think that he lucked into his Super Bowl rings with a combination of Brady, Moss, good timing and cheating. And to get away with it with essentially a slap on the wrist from the NFL, well there was most certainly going to be some sort of karmic hell to pay down the road. Now, I think if you had asked any number of people who believed that the universe would correct this unfairness how exactly they thought they would see this justice be meted out, I think they would have probably imagined Randy Moss out for 9 games. Maybe Brady hurts his hand and it's a nagging injury that brings down his accuracy all season. I don't think anyone in their wildest dreams would have thought that Tom Brady would have suffered a season ending torn ACL in the first quarter of the first game of the season. And who's your backup? A quarterback who didn't play in college.

Obviously, it's unfortunate when anyone gets hurt. But that's why these players get paid as handsomely as they do. And no, Randy Moss, it wasn't a dirty play. It was a play.

Some people might get up in arms about this being bad for football. They are of course wrong. How in the world can the "unbeatable" team in the AFC being knocked from the top and shaking up the entire AFC and opening up the race to ANYONE in the first game of the season be anything but completely exciting, refreshing and, dare I say it, a nice little parable of the big guy never being invincible?


Sunday, September 7, 2008

Jesus Brought Football Back To Us!


And the first appearance of the Fox football robot draws screams and sighs. Chad thinks he's cooked up some new moves over the off season.

Chad just saw Crayton for the first time. He got excited. Chad roots for Crayton hard.

I don't know why but the term "communication helmet" makes me laugh.

HEY! First Flozell Adams false start of the season. Ahhhh, this feels like real Cowboys football now.

I like when TO catches things with his elbows and ass. They're the new hands.

TOUCHDOWN. Marion Barber. That was easy. SUPER BOWL OR BUST.

Michelin commercial. Chad points out that the Michelin man is "not real. He's fake." Point taken. He celebrates this astute observation by cracking open the bean dip.

Chad responds to any successful Cowboys defensive play with "Nice try there, wise guy!"

REALLY?!?!?! A three headed dog? Some Browns fan came to the game in a three headed dog costume. Cleveland.....the city where the river caught on fire and people come to football games dressed as nuclear accidents.

New rule. When he messes up, he's Pacman. When, and if, he does anything worthwhile he will be Adam.

A discussion has started on the new Pacino - DeNiro movie. Chad thinks Pacino was pandering with "Scent of a Woman" and didn't deserve the Oscar for it. He emphasizes that point with a hearty "Whooooooo haaaaaaaaaa"

Marion Barber makes up for the fact that he hasn't been able to gain more than a few yards with getting away with a blatant "grabbing onto a face mask like the bars on a Six Flags ride."

TOUCHDOWN. I never understand TO's celebration dances. I hate to admit it but I guess TO is a way more evolved and more intelligent or clever person than I am. I thought he got a leg cramp. How am I supposed to know that was an Olympic sprinter setting up? I feel like he should Twitter his celebration dance intentions each quarter.

Chad on TV's new hit show Hole in Wall: "Finally, a show I can relate to!"

Let me make this absolutely clear. The new Microsoft Jerry Seinfeld commercial is all of the following things: a) not funny b) too long c) not in any way comparable to the snappy Mac commercials. I also hated every second of Seinfeld but still, they make TO's dances look straightforward and laugh out loud.

Romo's first incomplete pass comes halfway through the second quarter. I can live with that.

And you have earned your Adam, Mr. Jones. Way to break up that pass. We will just brush that kick return under the rug.

Can't blog this drive. Too busy clapping.

The Burger King King is falling in with a bad crowd. First he is shown running from the cops and being hit by a cab in his attempt to flee arrest. Then a few minutes later, we see him playing Dance Dance Revolution with the Fox Football Robot.

TOUCHDOWN. I'm still thinking about what other brand spokesperson I would like to see Dance Dance Revolution with the Fox Football Robot. Right now the short list includes the AFLAC duck, Jared from Subway and the FreeCreditReport.Com guy.


Discussions at halftime involve Philip trying to convince us that the Taco Bell Volcano Taco's sauce is NOT called Lava Sauce. Chad informs us that Patrick Crayton will henceforth be known as Crazy Eyes Crayton.


The Fox Football Robot really has taken over approximately 20% of our football commentary.

Chad thinks that some of the Cleveland Browns have weight problems.

Seeing Tony Romo at the bottom of 700 plus pounds of Browns grimacing makes me very nervous and sad.

Chad: "HAHAHAHA. Crayton! That's my boy! He's so patient!" I can imagine Crayton in line at the bank just whistling and smiling. Not a care in the world.

TOUCHDOWN. Felix Jones scores on his first NFL carry.

Now there's some talk about the talking e-Trade baby doing Dance Dance Revolution with the Fox Football Robot.


Also, did Jason Witten get sodomized in a Turkish prison in the off-season? Don't get me wrong, he's getting some nice catches. But he then ducks and crumples like someone's holding his children at gunpoint.

Chad on Wade Phillips: "I'm gonna put my paw in the honey pot." Yep, that's right. We have Winnie the Coach.

Browns interception in the end zone. That's ok. We didn't need that touchdown.

This entire Browns drive makes me feel like I've eaten a Volcano Taco followed by a Jack in the Box Breakfast Bowl. The good news is that if you have bought ad time on this game, it worked.

It's hard to gauge which one the crew here is more excited about: a rousing Cowboys victory or the premiere of Hole in the Wall.

We all agree that we should go ahead and score at least one more touchdown. Or as Chad says, "twist their titties just a little more." Which Philip counters with an astute, "Purple nurple."

Holding call against the Cowboys. Chad's take on Wade Phillips's reaction: "Where's Piglet?"

And the game's over. Time for a Volcano Taco in a Bowl of e-Trade in my Tacoma.

Friday, September 5, 2008

What the Ladies on the Internets Have to Say

The first thing my mom and I said to each other upon the announcement of Sarah Palin as McCain's VP choice was "Surely he doesn't think so poorly of women that he believes women will just vote for a fellow woman regardless of the fact that she stands against most of the things women care most passionately about?" In short, our answer was: "No, no surely not." Since the announcement, I have been stunned by the snippets of interviews I have seen with seemingly intelligent women on the street who have expressed some sort of respect for Palin. Full disclosure: I think the woman is awful. I don't like a single one of her positions. I think she doesn't give answers as much as recite warmed-over Everybody Loves Raymond punchlines. Put it this way, she made me think for a horrible hot second, "Kay Bailey Hutchison isn't so bad."

So my best friend Chrissy, who has been keeping track of the whole thing as an expatriate living in London who will be voting for Obama in November, and I have been going back and forth. It's kind of interesting. It's interesting to hear her take on things because she has the unenviable task, as the token American, of having to try to explain to an office full of Brits and assorted other Europeans how in the world this awful woman could appeal to anyone. She also has extremely right wing Evangelical parents who she loves dearly but who are also very excited by the recent developments. So it's been a lot of scratching heads and trying to get inside the mind of a person (specifically a woman) that would find Palin appealing for us for the past few days. And I bring you our highly scientific results.

First it was Chrissy's turn:

New fun game -

Find the most crazy-ass comment you can find posted on news articles from Palin supporters.

I'll go first...

Click to view VotingFemale's profile VotingFemale // 4 hours ago

The Karl Rove Play Book, Democratic National Committee Style.

Obama never bothered to worry about taking what works and using it to his benefit.

This is simply Politics in the fast lane.


The REAL MEAT has yet to be hung on the hook to sink the SS Obama.

There will be a wailing rising up from the Worshipers that will be heard around the world as OBama is correctly and rightfully hung out to dry.

You should be worried, Obama Toe Suckers... very worried.

Palin is coming for Obama and She Means Business

I actually don't understand the point of that comment, but I like how sassy and angry VotingFemale is!

Your turn...(trust me, it makes the day a lot more fun to play 'spot the crazy')

Alright, AmandaCobra's turn:

Now this is something I can totally play. Let's start with the one that completely randomly assigns Palin the nickname from a Hall and Oates song (?!?!?!):

Posted by WTFIGOITW on 09/04/08 at 11:36AM

Wow is this self-styled hockey mom ever scaring the crap out of the loopy left wing. I'd vote for McCain just for this reason alone but the fact that she may one day run for President should she win the Vice Presidency is just too overwhelmingly fabulous to think about. Bringing THAT is what is really scaring the limousine liberals. Kick some more tail Sarah Smile!

(I LOVE the term "limousine liberal" because I like to say it to myself when I drive around in my extra long Honda Accord)

Then I found this one and I declare myself the winner. Beat this. Oh wait, you aren't living in the same country as this moron so I guess you do win:

I feel that Sarah was sent to America for these troubled times! We're headed toward communism with Obama & Biden; can't you see it? It took a woman with five children to get us back to the Real America; the America I once knew~ If you newspeople don't love the best country on the face of the earth~~~why don't you go somewhere like Russia or even closer; Cuba? You couldn't hold a candle to Sarah! You're all jealous! I would never buy your paper.

Chrissy Round Two:

OMG I am so in love with this one!!! (!!!!!!!):
2:34 AM Anonymous Says:

Oh ye haters of women. I'm not sure you would know a good women if you met one. You people hitched your wagon to the wrong team. You SLANDERED the wonderful Sarah Palin. Not only is she fabulous, she is a GOOD person. You love 'God Damm' Obama. You are nothing more than his butt boy. You corrupt the youth of today every time you publish your crap of a magazine. You will be judged for all of eternity for that. Your lack of discermnent shows your lack of intelligence. You trade on weakness of humanity. Sarah Palin could/should kick your ass. You blew it. Hang your head in shame. Go out of business.

(Note: Can I be God Damn Obama's Butt Boy?? Pleeeeease?)

Then I found another feelgood post:

9:18 PM Anonymous Says:

So if my calculations are correct liberals should virtually be extinct by the the year 2040. Self-Hatred turns inward and eats its young (abortion). So why worry what the liberals think.

The logic in this one is blowing my drug-addled, liberal mind:

8:34 PM Anonymous Says:

Her daughter is pregnant so teaching abstinence doesn't work? What a shallow and mindless statement. We all have our free agency to decide what to do with the information given to us. It's ridiculous to think that one would have to count all those who DID learn from abstinence in order to counter this arguement. I guess this only proves the anti-drug campaigns don't work on liberals either.

This game is even better than 'spin the butter knife'. The next couple of months are going to fly by (from the inside of our big shiny elitist limousines, of course).

Amanda Round Two:

So this comment was in response to someone posting about her being Assemblies of God:

To: wideawake

Oh, boy—Assemblies! They are great pray-ers. They will pray her right into the Vice-Presidency.

The Holy Spirit moves in marvelous ways.

This one is quite possibly my favorite. After it I will tell you my favorite parts:

To: the invisib1e hand
God bless this woman, because they're gonna "Clarence Thomas" her in the media.

You'd better believe it. Big abortion is going to attack her and her family with a viciousness we've never seen before.
Fasten your seatbelts, folks.

1. "They're going to 'Clarence Thomas' her". Woah! I knew that she was supposed to be the MILF-y librarian but I had NO idea that she had actually sexually harassed employees! Sarah Palin...she's extreme about moose hunting, hockey, creationism and most importantly EXTREME COUGARING!
2. "BIG ABORTION". You know, I'm sick of these big abortion lobbyists and their big abortion money and all these abortion fatcats running Washington. Remeber the simple days when it was just Mom and Pop abortion shops that dotted our landscape? Now it's all these cold, impersonal big box abortion multi-national abortion conglomorates. Next thing you know, Big Heroin is gonna come in and start throwing their weight around and asking questions about her state's budget.

To: alexander_busek; wideawake; MarineBrat

Many of us have forgotten that Sarah Palin's state borders on RUSSIA, in addition to good old Canada. Even prior to becoming governor, she was involved in an official capacity in negotiations on petroleum, energy and the pipeline, all of which are international matters. In addition to this, petroleum is going to dictate a significant amount of our foreign policy in the future, and she sure has a lot more experience in all of these matters than either Obambi or Biden (who's probably attended lots of embassy cocktail parties, though...).

I would make a joke but since I was born in Georgia (the US state where Dukes of Hazard was set), I have to go try to sort out escalating tensions between Russia and the other Georgia. Because if qualifications are just how close shit is to touching or sounding like other things, I am now Jimmy Motherfucking Carter. I still don't get the Obambi thing. None of my research has lead me to discover Obama's mother was killed in the woods by a hunter.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

I said I would liveblog Cindy McCain's speech but it looks like I will instead liveblog Ol' Limited Reachy's speech instead. I intended on starting with the Cindy McCain video introduction but it was so nauseating that, in my small tribute to Cindy McCain, I had to take a prescription anti-anxiety pill and have half a glass of wine and switch over to watch some Gordon Ramsay so you'll just have to imagine what kind of "WTF?!?!?!?" I had to say about that. Oh Gary Sinise, you silly weirdo.

First off, I would like to point out now that at 8:47pm CST tonight, I have realized that the phrase "hockey mom" is now apparently a synonym for everything I hate. Perhaps it is because I live in an area where hockey moms don't really exist, I was under the impression that a hockey mom was nothing different from a baseball mom, soccer mom or basketball mom. But on this final day of the RNC, I have now learned that hockey moms are actually either a) pitbulls with lipstick b) women who believe other women shouldn't be allowed to make the most vital choices of what they can do with their bodies c) women who think being a community organizer is something to be ridiculed. In short, hockey moms are awful.

Alright, Cindy McCain is done. Thank goodness. I was scared she was going to just start transposing entire sentences. Public speaking she good not much so at.

8:58 - Most confusing sign: "TERRORISTS BEWARE OF SARAH (OBAMA)"
What the fuck? Too much to tackle with that sign. Too bad they didn't throw in a Hussein reference.

9:00 - The podium rose out of the floor. I must admit, production value on this thing puts the Dems to shame. Did I mention that our candidate can reach things on high shelves?

9:03 - Another sign. "DRILL BABY DRILL". Points for vagueness. Points immediately deducted for sign being written on brown cardboard box with brand name still visible.

9:05 - Video starting. I hope they tell us more stories about strippers and family values.

9:13 - McCain looks as happy to be there as I am to be watching this. That kind of makes me like him. Also, they just showed a woman that looked like Suzi Quatro sobbing in the audience. I should have made a macro for "WTF?!?!?!?"

9:15 - Ummmmmmm, green screen? AWESOME! Please tell me that they are gonna do some sort of Sin City treatment on him. Maybe he's gonna re-enact the moon landing.

9:16 - Oh shit! Protester got in and has a sign about how McCain votes against vets. And he's getting camera time. And they haven't thrown him out. And he looks like Kevin Federline. Where's that macro?

9:22 - Holy hell, protesters getting in. Wow, HMS McCain speech going weird fast. Nice security.

9:25 - So apparently, when they yell "USA! USA!" it means someone else is interrupting them. I like how when he was about to be sensitive about how times are tough for Americans, a nice pretty protester got through and broke the momentum.

9:26 - Levi totally wants to shotgun a Natty Light right now. This convention shit is weak, brah.

9:28 - CNN was better at finding the black guy in the crowd last night because they showed him at least a dozen times. I guess he had to go home early. So far, minority sightings: McCain's adopted daughter.

9:32 - It's always weird when any politician does the "I fight for Davey Smith from Palo Alto who has rickets......" and everyone cheers. It always makes me think that Davey has a bunch of Myspace friends. Like Tila Tequila or something. I hope someone out there is fighting for Tila Tequila. I'm sure she's gonna have a lot of medical bills one day.

9:34 - Here's the part where he talks shit about Republicans. Let's see how this works out. Wait, how did Obama get lumped into how Republicans went wrong?

9:35 - Can we just secede into two countries and everyone who thinks Reagan was certainly NOT a hero can come live in my country? Please? Boat leaves in ten minutes.

9:39 - Really? Now he's just naming stuff that's bad and stuff that's good and putting his name before the good stuff and Obama's before the bad stuff and speaking really slowly. And they're responding. Like how you tell a four year old,

"Fire is HOT....BAD....NO......."

9:41 - "We're gonna help workers who lost a job that won't come back find a new one that won't go away"

Jobs aren't puppies. They didn't lose their jobs because they forgot to tie them up securely when they went inside the store. They lost them because your boy Bush ran a healthy economy into the ground partially because of a pointless war you supported, bud. But it's awfully nice of you to put it into big, nice, rounded, safety-tipped words like that.

9:44 - "We're going to send money to countries that don't like us very much"

WTF?!?!?! We're bribing France? Also, he's now stopping on every fifth word. Someone reboot him.

9:46 - He's talking about alternative sources of energy such a wind, nuclear, solar etc. There's a sea of cowboy hats which indicate the Texas delegates. They aren't clapping.

9:49 - Two black people. They aren't clapping. Could be press.

9:52 - Someone has a sign that says "STRAIGHT TALK" which got the theme song from the Dolly Parton movie of the same name stuck in my head. I think she basically plays a version of herself who somehow ends up getting a talk radio advice show in New York City where she shoots from the hip. Sorry, McCain has lost me.

9:54 - Now Obama is basically a pussy because he doesn't have POW scars. Awesome.


9:59 - I will say this: my grandfather fought in Korea and did two tours in Vietnam. It's honorable. But seriously, that does not a president make.

10:03 - So, I'm sorry. I missed the part where you told me how you were going to change anything. You are going to turn around the crapfest economy how? You are going to improve the quality of life for Americans how?

10:05 - Jesus, this "Raising McCain" song is unfuckigbearable. Thank you, wine. You're my friend. You helped me. You're my running mate. You're my hockey mom tonight.