Friday, May 30, 2008

You're Really Going to Pay Money to See This Pile of Mess?



I can't handle it anymore. I am probably going to commit seppuku the next time someone mentions Sex and the City. I have never despised a TV show as much as I do that awful awful show. Seriously, the hatred and vitriol and bile starts to build up in the back crevasses of my throat with the mere mention of it. I usually get so flustered with my hatred of the show that I cannot articulate exactly why I think it's so awful. I'm hoping that blogging it out will help. I can't promise anything though.

Someone hand me a steel umbrella because I'm being bombarded in the skull with these heavy, leaden cliches Sex and the City keep dropping on me and it hurts - I find it funny when fans of the show (female ones) talk about how it's "empowering" for women. Really? Because the idea that four women have nothing better to talk about than shoes or doing it seems pretty insulting and simplistic to me. So let me get this straight: the show's protagonist is constantly fretting about never finding "Mr. Right" and never being able to get married and have tiny little spoiled fashionista children? And I'm supposed to root for her or at the least, feel empathy for her? Let me guess, I bet the women all love chocolate too! But they worry about it going straight to their thighs! Oh my god, I hope they don't get depressed and sit in their house eating ice cream in their pajamas! Now granted, those cliches offend me first off as a person who hates deserts, ice cream and chocolate. But also, I don't like the idea that the "empowered" woman's main focus is on such material or matrimonial pursuits. Each of the four characters on the show are just two-dimensional facades of characters. So simplistic that's it's wholly insulting.

Ohhhhhh, no she di'nt say that! OMG! LOL! So daring! - Quite possibly the only thing more insulting that the cardboard cutout characters on SATC is how the viewer is supposed to be shocked and surprised by how frankly and openly the women discuss even the most graphic of details when it comes to their sex lives. Really? Because it just makes me think the characters are either not too familiar with the human anatomy (yo, check it, everyone's got the same general layout you have! it's wild!). Even more irritating is the idea that women are supposed to think that the characters are being "naughty" and "irreverant" when they discuss other people's shortcomings. Sorry, if I were writing that for the Sex and the City audience I would have written it in the much more "clever" formula of:

the characters are being naughty and irreverent when discussing other people's, erhm......ummm..."shortcomings"


and then I would insert some winking emoticon and we would all clink our cosmos in our martini glasses together and chortle because me made a double entendre! Me funny and borderline dirty! I swear, the writing on that show is like if you bought every "dirty" birthday greeting card at Spencer's Gifts and taped them together in a long string like some sort of bad blue humor Christmas tree garland. Don't get me wrong. The beauty of a finely-honed and flawlessly executed abortion joke is something to rival that of a Botticelli. So let's play a game. Which of the lines below is from SATC and which is from a tacky greeting card?


“Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls... because they can.”

“I have low self-esteem, but I express it the healthy way... by eating a box of Double-Stuff Oreos.”

“I'm a trisexual. I'll try anything once.”

"If you're tired of New York you take a nap-a, you don't move to Napa"

(OMFG my brain just exploded that anyone allowed that sentence to escape from their brain and see the light of day)

Just kidding. They're all from SATC. Joke's on you! Well, I take that back. The joke's only on you if you actually see this ridiculous movie. Please make the hype die. Please make the skull-crushing PR go away. Go buy some shoes or something. Just don't give money to these awful writers and perpetuate this dumb stereotype.

PS - I meant to tell you that a Cosmo is not a martini at all. Because you see, a martini is a combination of gin/vodka and vermouth and sometimes olive juice while a Cosmo is just a fancy name and less white trash way of being able to order a Hand Grenade or Hurricane or Jolly Rancher-rita or Sex on the Bloomin' Onion Prep Station or whatever else comes in a souvenir glass you can take home with you when you eat a Red Lobster.


Sex and The City is Awful Part 2: When Friends Agree


And now I will present the chat that followed shortly after I posted this blog. The chat is between my friend Danny and I. And features the idea of feeding the entire cast of SATC into a wood chipper (amongst other ideas):

Old: wanna go see sex and the city with me tonight?

me: fuck you danny
fuck you hard
seriously i think my pulse is still elevated
btw, i added to it becacuse the first draft didn't allow me to fully express my anger

Old: seriously, you should go see it. if you do, i want to be there.

me: oh. my. god. i would totally live blog the shit out of that movie.

me: if you ever want to feel like taking a nap in the sweet embrace of the hereafter by your own hand, by all means go straight to sexandthecityquotes.com

Old: i wonder if samantha makes a penis joke in the movie...

me: OMG!
i'm crashing my ROFLcopter into a trade center as we speak

Old: someone needs to remind her that she was fucking "lassie" from porky's.

me: ummmmmm one better, she was the mannequin that got fed into a paper shredder in mannequin
which was my all time fave movie when i was 5
used to sing the starship "nothing's gonna stop us now" into a hairbrush daily

Old: if this films ends with her being fed into a wood chipper, it's worth it.

me: i want three sequels where each one ends with another one being put in the wood chipper until they are all just a pile of slut stew meat

Old: please add more to your blog. i'm grooving on the wood chipper theme....

me: i really think i should live blog it. go see it and be able to cite factual evidence.

Old: yep. just let me know.

me: also OMG at the inwood all the refreshements including the popcorn is going to be pink tonight!

Old: unless you need to be alone.

me: not kidding

Old: JESUS

Old: big buck hunter: sex and the city version.

me: oh my god. someone please make sure to scotchguard EVERYTHING in auditorium 1

Old: big cunt hunter.

me: like a pair of faded grey velvet drapes

Old: wow. you didn'
yes ...
you did...

me: just sort of ragged and in desperate need of hemming. just sort of frayed and worn thin but with an unmistakable chain smoker sort of smell

Old: you = #1

me: I WIN!
the world loses

Old: can you imagine the hen pen parties who are going attend this thing in droves? all dressed up and shit?

me: the gallo chardonnay will flow down the streets like the blood of a thousand saggy dead cougars

Old: gallo. lol.

me: i want to dress up as a suicide bomber and go see it

Old: i really want to do see it now...
go
people watching might be the allure

me: i'm going to wear a burqua and issue a fatwa against the movie then take out as many single moms as i can

Old: allright. what time am i picking you up?

2 comments:

MC Whirlpool... said...

I have to chime in on this one, I absolutely detest that show!! It's a foul, sacrilegious cancer upon the holy temple of St. Basic Cable. The fact that everytime I take a break at work - EVERY TIME - that fucking show is on in the breakroom, FULL BLAST! For a while, when I first started, I thought the "channel up & down" buttons were fucked up (you don't know shit when you start a new job) because... "Surely, all the people in here, eating their 99 cent value-meal dinners couldn't be actually... 'watching' this, right?"

But oh no, one day I dared change that channel button, one fortunate night when I was in there alone, on my break, and low-and-behold! They were actually watching that fucking garbage on purpose. Oh it makes me want to die.

I can't imagine anyone actually ENJOYING that show, what?? Especially the latino kitchen staff at a hotel, what the fuck? I moreso picture them flipping it on and then their heads popping off, or someone getting a dagger in the chest from the the lack-luster obscenity that's on the screen - I had to try and figure out how to say "Can I watch the fucking Celtics game tonight guys?" in Spanish last week, and afterwards, had a room full of immigrants pissed at me.

"Oh, rich white women, shame none of them are attractive. Odelay holmes, wonder what they're saying? Just wait Chico, we'll be fucking rich white women like that one day."

*feels your pain*

-Neu

Bethany Anderson said...

Thank God. I'm not the only one who hates this show, and has no desire to see this movie, unless it's with a group of people that would be willing to mock it loudly and turn it into a drinking game.