Wednesday, September 10, 2008

My New Year's Sports Resolutions

I don't make New Year's resolutions. Nor do I buy Kias. But I am going to make some sports-related mid-September New-ish Year's resolutions because if Kia can redesign the Optima for 2009 (I am assuming that means they made the hamster's wheel 28% wider), I can at least make two extremely lazy goals.

1. I will not just claim that I am following Georgia football this year by bitching that Knowshown Moreno is the Rodney Dangerfield of the SEC but will actually watch the games - Ok, this is EXTREMELY lazy on my part because the next three games, at the time that I type this, are respectively CBS, ABC and once again CBS-broadcast national games. So really, the fact that I have cable and might be running errands on a Saturday are the only reasons I would NOT be watching these games. But, as the offspring of two very proud Georgia alumni and a kid who grew up going to Georgia games at Sanford Stadium, I have always rooted for them in that "If they are playing, I want them to win" sort of way. But I get lazy and don't follow the games. And I freely admit that they way bowls and standings are formulated make as much sense as this. But seeing this makes me excited about the prospects for some good Georgia bowl game action. And I firmly believe that since I was born in 1980 and that just happens to be the only year the Georgia team (and Hershel Walker) were able to actually do anything noteworthy, I am the Georgia football lucky charm. But I must confess in regards to the uproar over Moreno's leap not being included on Sportcenter's highlight reel, the guy he leaped over WAS, in fact, diving to tackle him and therefore highly leap over-able. Sorry.

A personal note to University of Georgia: This is based on particularly scarring childhood memories. It is incredibly disturbing to young children at the games to repeatedly be made aware that right next to the tunnel is the crypt where the remains of all the previous Ugas rest because it's kind of like taking your kid to watch a game at Pet Semetary. "Hey kids, you see our cute little bulldog mascot? Well, he will of course one day die and they will entomb him in cement right over there with all his other little buddies. See? Just yards away is where they put the dead dogs just like that little guy will be! Hey, who wants a footlong?" As this article in The Boston Globe points out, Sanford Stadium is the only collegiate venue with an in-house pet mausoleum! Glory Glory, indeed?

2. I really am going to try incredibly hard to be nicer to my sweet kind little wounded Mavericks because I love them so much and want to see them do well this year - I kind of feel like the Mavericks are my latchkey kids who got really out of control and finally got busted and spent some time in a juvenile detention center and have just now gotten released into my custody and I now have to be really gentle but stern with them. They really can't fuck around anymore. It's not cute anymore. They don't have any more favors to call in. They made no worthwhile trades in the off-season. Kidd and Nowitzki came back unscathed and dog-meat free from the Olympics. But I've wiped my Mavericks slate clean. I have no expectations of them now. That's neither a good nor bad thing. I can say that in the past five seasons, I have at least started the year with playoff hopes. This year, I wouldn't dream of such a thing. I just want them to try their best. Now if that sounds like surrender monkey loser talk, maybe it is. But it's better for my basketball watching mental health to not become bitter and sit around blaming Cuban for everything or Josh Howard for not being able to control what the ball do because, after all, it is crazy, man. I have kind of realized that I really didn't have much to back up my high hopes that I brought into last season and was still riding on the high of the previous season's promise. So now I've watched them plummet back to earth, down to the molten core and just hope I can get some sweet deals on tickets as fair-weather fans get distracted by laser pointers or Hole in the Wall or Sodoku or something. At least we have a team. Take that, Seattle!

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