Thursday, March 5, 2009

Best Day Ever-ish

Today is a day I will tell my grandchildren about. It’s the day I woke up to a Terrell Owens and Roy Williams (the horse collar-y one)-free Cowboys and a Mavs team who can look in the mirror and confidently say, “We split the series with San Antonio this season.” Yep, mediocrity reigns supreme in this title draught city. But I am still going to celebrate. And I will celebrate the only way I know how. By blogging out hypothetical scenarios of hanging out with infamous local/Texas sports figures.

A commenter on my blog of a highly anonymous nature asked this highly important question of me:

Anonymous said...
Amanda, I have a question I have been meaning to ask you...if you had one night, to party one on one with one of the following, who would you choose:

A) Pacman Jones
B) Tony Romo
C) Tony Parker

I have thought about this and come up with a short list of pros and cons for each scenario.

Pacman Jones:

Pros –
1. Always plenty of strong bodyguards around to open tightly sealed jars of jam, jellies or other condiments
2. Legs and Eggs buffet
3. No shortage of dollar bills for the vending machine at work the next day

Cons –
1. Potential bodily harm
2. Stomaching the smell of peachberry body splash
3. Waking up early to show up for your deposition

Tony Romo:
(Josh kindly already pointed to the fact that pro or con, if I chose Tony Romo it would mean I would get to hang with Pete Wentz. OMGLOLZ!)

Pros –
1. Totally the kind of guy that will promise to help you move while you are out drinking but would actually show up the next morning to help. And would bring breakfast tacos and coffee.
2. Would think all your jokes are really funny except the mean ones
3. Could probably just dock his iPod at a family barbeque and hit random and not sweat it for the rest of the day

Cons –
1. So addicted to Good Samaritanism that he distracts you then flings you into oncoming traffic just so he can rescue you
2. You feel bad about swearing around him
3. You would have to find a way to resist punching him in the face when he starts talking about how there’s more to life than football and winning a championship will not make him a better person

Tony Parker:

Pros –
1. Wow. Jesus, this one is hard. I really find Tony Parker very annoying. Ummm, what if he put scotch tape over his nose to make it look like a pig’s nose and crawled around the floor of the Ghostbar (because I am assuming that’s where we will be hanging out) shouting, “I am looking for ze truffles! I must find ze truffles!”?
2. Live, a capella version of "Balance-toi",
3. Getting good, juicy behind-the-scenes gossip about “Over Her Dead Body”

Cons –
1. Eva Longoria
2. Tony Parker
3. The fact that he probably wouldn’t do the truffle thing

But in all seriousness (well, not really), the Cowboys have 20 million dollars to play with in the free agency and the draft. The Suns lost to Miami last night, play Houston on Friday and the Spurs on Sunday. There’s nothing that can or needs to be said about Terrell Owens that hasn’t been said already. So instead I will quote a guy I sat next to at a Mavs game two months ago. This man was in town from Philadelphia on business. He said I seemed like I knew the game pretty well and was pretty into it. I said I was. He said he was more of a football man. I said I was also a football fan. The next thing he said was, “So do you support Jerry holding onto T.O. or do you want him gone?” I glared at my new friend. He laughed. Then he said the sweetest, softest words that any man has ever said to me…

“Don’t worry, he won’t be around next year. And then you’ll feel that feeling we all got to experience in Philly. The liberating feeling of knowing that Terrell Owens is someone else’s problem now.”

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