Tuesday, September 29, 2009

All My Snarky Friends Are Coming Over Tonight

Let’s get the actual game stuff out of the way in the form of questions:

- Did Tony Romo do better? No interceptions. Helluva job! (Sort of)

- Why didn’t Roy Williams hang onto that throw on 2nd and goal that seemed like a helluva catchable touchdown pass?

- Why did Tony Romo then decide to throw it to Martellus Bennett on 3rd and goal? Helluva bad decision.

- Why is Terrance Newman scared of touching people to tackle them? And should his interception for a touchdown make up for that? (No)

- Why is Jay Ratliff so awesome?

- Who did the Damageplan-esque guttural scream-grunt right before the snap when the Cowboys had the ball in the 3rd quarter?

- Is there anything funnier than hearing the intro to “Crazy Train” reverberating around the new stadium when the Cowboys are on their own 15 yard line on 3rd and 19?

- Why does Tony Romo think he can run the ball for 20+ yards to get a first down?

- Should we have beaten the Carolina F’ing Panthers by a larger margin? (Almost certainly yes)

- Why is Tashard Choice so awesome?

- Why is Jason Garret retarded?

- Does Wade Phillips know that the game happened last night? He looked confused, sad and lost. I expect to see one of those Old People Amber Alerts issued for him on the drive home this afternoon. And I pray the vehicle he was last seen driving was this:

Now on to the less important but far more amusing parts of last night’s game…

Probably not a good time to be named John Phillips. You might have made a decent play last night but it didn’t stop me from making a comment about sleeping with your daughter.

Cheyenne: “Our color guard is....different.”

Chad on the Brinks Home Security System commercial: “Oh no! Hit the panic button! Dave Attell is breaking into our house!”

The Hank Williams Jr. intro was insane. If I remember it correctly, it climaxed with two golden football playing men becoming electrocuted in a Hill Valley 1985/save the clock tower moment where they collide violently after a current surges through them which then causes their helmets (and perhaps their heads) to become detached from their bodies and rocket out of the atmosphere and into space (almost taking out a satellite which would have then made us all unable to see the game) before hurtling back down to earth and into the roof of the new stadium and finally colliding in Mutual Assured Helmet Destruction.

Also, this guy is a hot mess:

Chad - "Oh this movie Zombieland looks awesome. I wanna go see it."
Me - "Me too!"
Philip - "Meh, I don't know. I'm not sold yet."
Me - "They just showed Woody Harrelson riding a roller coaster with a shotgun."
Philip - "Yeahhhhh, I'm just not convinced yet."

Towards the end of the game, they showed the Carolina Panthers owner. He seemed to be draped in some sort of FDR-in-Warm-Springs polio leg blanket. Danny thinks he looks like Ted Kennedy wearing a Snuggie.

Chad on the commercial for the 3 disc Vietnam War DVD set being sold after the game was over: "Do you want to feel like you're really 'in the shit'? FINALLY a war documentary for me!!!!"

MNF doesn’t mean Monday Night Football to me. It looks like the antonym for MILF. Mother (I’d Rather) Not…

Dear Jon Gruden, Please Stop Sitting on Stools in a Way to Maximize Camera Time for Your Junk. Below is the “frame 224 of the Zapruder film” of Monday Night Football. This is the only known still photograph of Jon Gruden sitting on a chair of any kind and covering his junk.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi Amanda, I thought you might like this song about Jason Terry:


You may want to make it your ringtone or something.