Mitt Romney to Ron Paul: “No fair! Stop it! Seriously, that hurts. I’m gonna tell!”

So Mitt Romney has requested, or pitifully demanded, that Republicans vote for whomever has an R next to their name in the upcoming election instead of supporting grass-roots, Tea Partiers, Libertarians or any other “beatnik weirdo longhaired third party”* candidates. (* may not be an actual Mitt Romney quote) Oh, the Ralph Nader sting we felt back in 2000. But here’s the problem with that, Rommers. And I do hope you don’t mind if I call you that. See, people tend to support third party candidates when they feel like their party has veered focus off the issues that actually matter to them. Real simple stuff here, Rommers.

Now, I didn’t fall off the turnip truck yesterday (I’m trying to appeal to the folksy demo like Sarah Palin). I understand that this isn’t about party solidarity. It’s about you soiling your temple garments over the thought of the base being so fractured that a clear majority is impossible and you will actually have to scrap for the nomination. Tough stuff, homes. Listen, I am pretty unabashedly liberal in almost all areas. So don’t think I don't get a little case of joyshorts just thinking about your party imploding on itself. And that’s not to say that Democrats do a tremendously superior job to Republicans, as the differences between the two seem to be dwindling.

But here’s the thing. I’m your demo. I’m your target audience. Provided all my vaccinations are up to date and I can stop eating raw hamburger meat, I probably have another few decades of voting years and elections cycles left in me. And don’t think that I, like my grandfather, am just a straight-ticket Democrat. I can mix it up. I like people who, as middle management might say, think outside the box. Even if there is something other than a “D” after their name. And that, my friend, is where you have screwed the pooch.

I know a fair amount of people my age who are conservative. And, while I hesitate to put words in their mouths, I would venture to say that their concern is not that gay people might be able to legally marry and tear a grapefruit-sized hole in the space time continuum by doing so. They seem to be pretty okay with stem cell research. They don’t, by and large, care about music with explicit lyrics ruining our children, a statue with a boob hanging out or Harry Potter turning all youth into mini Anton LaVeys.

What they do seem to really care about is government spending, bailouts, jobs and the feeling that the federal government has gotten out of control. They probably are really interested in things like state’s rights, though your mileage may vary. In short, they kind of hate you. A lot. Now this is a bit of a curse for them as they seem to be willing to support people based purely on the fact that they have very little experience. Because “experience” to them now denotes someone who has been a cog in the Washington machine for far too long and is part of the problem. That’s a bitch. Seriously. I would imagine that if I spent the better part of my adult life working my way up the ranks to represent my constituents in a local, state or national forum only to then be told that I suck because I spent all that time doing so and not hurling Molotov cocktails at the IRS headquarters, I would be mega-pissed.

But there’s one part of this whole thing for which you, Rommers, are completely culpable. And it’s not just you, homeboy. Your main (non-third-party) rival for the nomination is Mike Huckabee. Now there’s a dude who loves him some social conservatism. He makes you look like Ted Kennedy and Barney Frank splitting a plate of fois gras aboard the SS Socialist. Yes, you’ve got your Republican baby boomers to whom social conservatism might still be of paramount importance. But what about this: you’re a 20 or 30-something conservative. Which of these things keep you up at night: the idea that the government is raising your taxes to help out big companies that operated recklessly at the same time that you are trying to buy your first house and start a family or the idea that Dave and Mike down the street might get married legally in your state in the near future?

Again, I am not too much of a fiscal conservative but I can always see where they are coming from and respect it. But as someone who is on the outside watching this whole thing go down, I have to shake my head and wonder what in the world the Republican party is thinking. Not to be sweepingly dismissive but I generally think your Tea Partiers are kind of batty. I also realize they are a growing and increasingly frustrated movement. And they don’t like anything that seems too “government-y” to them. So you telling them that they should totally vote for the incumbent Republican no matter what just for the sake of the Grand Ol’ Party? Full of fail. Clearly you haven’t seen how self-righteous and indie some people my age get when the name Ron Paul comes up. That guy is like the Wes Anderson of young conservatives.

Hope some of this helps, Rommers. I look forward to your reply. Also, that Scott Brown guy rented a truck. You might want to think about that and maybe call around to Avis and Enterprise and Budget and get some quotes. Maybe get a bloodhound dog to ride in the truck and name him Reagan or Buckley, too. Seriously, man, I’m just trying to help.

Sincerely,
Someone Who Was Never Going to Vote for You in the First Place