Liveblogging Self-Indulgence

You Go Live in Utah has decided to make a rare return to the world of actually writing about basketball because the most ridiculous thing to ever happen to basketball since someone said, "Seriously, don't worry about guarding this Wilt guy because he's probably harmless" has occurred tonight. Mind you, it wasn't good. In fact, it was ridiculously bad. And unlike an out-of-the-blue 100 point game, we all had time to take our Dramamine before this mess hit our television screens tonight. So without further ado (which is far more than I can say for both ESPN and LeBron James), I bring to you the You Go Live in Utah liveblog coverage of Brawdo Presents ESPN's Boys and Girls Club of America's Night in a Gym with the Owner of the Fewest Number of NBA Rings: LeBron James.

(It should be noted that I actually turned it on 20 minutes into the whole thing because a) I was cooking dinner and b) I figured that they had to get read off all the sponsors and show the highlight reels of him throwing powder into the air thousands of times so I had a good 15 minutes to burn off before I needed to tune in)

8:22pm: Stuart Scott tells me that "we've been waiting for it for almost 7 years and it's about that time". Hold the fuck up. As far as I was aware, this season's free agency did not start back in July of 2003. I don't remember the summer of '03 being the summer that I marked in my calendar as being the one where I could finally start anticipating that I would one day sit on my couch and watch some drawn out ESPN jerkfest where some uncomfortable looking kids squirmed around looking bored while LeBron James gave non-answers to softball questions for 60 minutes. Hell, I don't even think I had a TV in 2003. And if I did, I sure as hell wasn't using it to watch Sean Salisbury's creepy ass.

8:22pm: Jim Gray uncomfortably asks LeBron if he's ready to go, smacks his hands together, throws them in the air and asks, "Where's the powder?" Le Bron dryly responds, "Left it at home." That's the kind of banter we've waited 7 years for, folks. Gray's follow up question is borderline performance art: "So what's new? What's been going on with you this summer?"

8:23pm: "You weren't able to be recruited because you went into the NBA straight out of high school. So have you enjoyed this free agency process?" Are you asking a man who has given himself the name KING JAMES, a man who is currently sitting in front of you lording over a ONE HOUR PRIME TIME PRESS CONFERENCE if he is enjoying finally getting fawned over? I think he might be. It's a hunch.

8:25: "When did you decide?" "I think I decided this morning. I mean I wake up one morning and it's this team. I wake up one morning and it's this other team." This is the only part of the press conference that makes me like the guy. Say what I really want you to say, LeBron. "Let me level with you, Jim. I have and will continue to make more money than most humans ever. I have more power than most humans should ever have. My ego has fed daily from the hummingbird feeder of press attention that I receive with each day of free agency that passes. Life really can't go wrong for me no matter who I pick. So let me give it to you straight. I hung a bunch of dart boards up in my garage, backed the Bentleys out, put a blindfold on, spun around and just threw a gold-plated dart about an hour before I got here. Truth."

8:25pm: "So the last time you changed your mind was yesterday?" "Uh, the last time I changed my mind was in my dreams." LeBron went on to say that he dreamed that he went to the Nuggets and he had to hear Chris Anderson explain each and every one of his tattoos and how they corresponded to a line from a particular Crazy Town song and how sometimes even when he's on the court he still feels really alone out there. LeBron concluded the story by saying that he woke up screaming and crossed Denver off the list of franchises he keeps written in a Snoopy notebook on his night table.

8:26pm: "So does the team you're going to, do they know?" "They just found out." Mark Cuban is yelling at everyone in his house to stay off the phone. Jay Z isn't even bothering to look at his phone because I imagine he's as annoyed with LeBron as I am. And just to be safe, that guy who owns the 76ers is chasing people away from all the pay phones outside of the Wells Fargo Center.

I just fast forwarded. I skipped over the part where LeBron said that winning is important to him. And he listened to his family. And he likes to help his teammates. To win. We all caught up?

Oh no wait, he also wants everyone to remember that you never know if you're going to win until you go out there and play the game. So just remember that. Unless you're Biff Tanner and you find a discarded sports almanac from the future in the trash. In which case, you probably already know LeBron's decision.

8:27pm: "This fall, and this is very tough, I'm going to take my talents to South Beach."

OH MY GOD. LEBRON IS RETIRING TO LIVE THE LIFE OF A CAREFREE BEACH BUM, TROLLING OCEAN BOULEVARD'S WATERFRONT BOUTIQUES FOR COUTURE AND LIVING THE GOOD LIFE! NO MORE BASKETBALL!

Well, you heard it here first. Dwanye Wade and Chris Bosh will be playing for the Miami Heat there next season so maybe he can get some season tickets and take in some games in his down time. Good for you, LeBron. Long live the King! You've earned it. And way to get out on the top of your game. Sure, the people of Cleveland would have loved a title and all of this drama you've put them through was sort of humiliating. And yes, they should probably hate you. But take those talents to South Beach. I'm sure you'd make one hell of an inline skater. Godspeed!