Monday, October 8, 2007

I'm So Pumped About Seeing Encino Man

1992 and 1993 were great years for me personally. I had a spiral perm. I was a cheerleader. I took dance and gymnastics classes. I listened to Metallica and Guns n Roses. A lot. But most important of all was the two magical Cowboys seasons.

Now I'm 26 and I don't have a spiral perm. I don't go to the orthodontist anymore. I do still listen to Metallica and Guns n Roses. But with the Cowboys going into tonight's game at 4-0, I am feeling all kinds of nostalgic. They're even playing the Buffalo Bills, a team which innocently represented Cowboys Super Bowl blowouts long before Buffalo '66 made me think of strip
clubs and shifter cars in relation to the Bills.

While they may not all play the same position as their early 90's equivalents, let's A/B it here:

[pictured reacting to the news that Bret Favre never claimed that watching Aikman was like watching a young version of himself]

Troy Aikman then: Best Cowboys quarterback since Staubach. Weird shaped head.

Troy Aikman now: sports commentator, owns his own Ford dealership, sells bricks alongside a chimp/Pat Summerall

[pictured hanging out with Metal Skool, Criss Angel's baby brother Guido and Hal Sparks]

Tony Romo now: Earning comparisons to Staubach and Aikman, NFL Boy Wonder, much better sense of humor than Aikman

Tony Romo's future: Saab dealership, late night variety show featuring plate spinning, Hall of Fame

[pictured in what appears to be a frame from my grandmother's house]

Daryl Johnston then: Moose, future husband, literate

Daryl Johnston now: carpet cleaning pitchman, color commentator, not current husband

[pictured signing a "Baby's First Commemorative Helmet"]

Jason Witten now: steady and dependable tight end, probably not big on freestyle poetry slams (unconfirmed), good bet for 3rd and long

Jason Witten's future: bolt cutter spokesperson, color commentator, world renowned alpaca expert

[pictured during his brief but passionate affair with Cloris Leachman]

Michael Irvin then: legendary but infamous Cowboys wide receiver, dance machine, never one to pass up a fancy hat

Michael Irvin now: Hall of Fame inductee, paraphernalia confiscator, family lineage researcher

[pictured actually wearing a lampshade on his head like a true par-tay animal]

Terrell Owens now: NOT the most hated man in professional sports (thanks Barry Bonds! - T.O.), interpretive dancer, wide receiver finally living up to his salary and expectations

Terrell Owen's future: fame, riches, probably some sort of controversy

[pictured as featured in Sassy Magazine's "Grunge Hottie of the Month" article alongside fictional twin brother Jordan Catalano]

This one should be prefaced with the disclaimer that I became a vague friend of Mark Stepnoski's when he shopped at the record store I worked at when I was 19. He would buy anything rad that I recommended. He's a completely solid dude and bought me a shot of Jack Daniels on one particularly brutal Christmas Eve that I had to work.

Mark Stepnoski then: token stoner offensive lineman, Black Crowes fan, big but quick dude

Mark Stepnoski now: marijuana legalization advocate, Black Crowes fan, not as big a dude anymore

[pictured doing his impression of a touchdown as scored by the character Joe from Family Guy]

Patrick Crayton now: capable replacement for Terry Glenn, first NFL player to be raised by flamingos, klezmer collector

Patrick Crayon's future: Kia dealership owner, conversion to Judaism, DeSoto town key holder

[pictured on lame dance competition show that only fat women watch]

Emmitt Smith then: one of the greatest running backs of all time, proponent of "gaining yards" and "earning 1st downs" strategy, Babyface fan

Emmitt Smith now: married to Martin Lawrence's ex-wife, dancing dude, Hall of Fame inductee

[pictured doing a lovingly realistic imitation of Jethro Tull's Ian Anderson]

[pictured trying his hand at amateur air traffic control]

Marion Barber and Julius Jones now: effective running back tag team, Marion Barber has hair that makes me hungry for sour gummi worms, both capable of hopping over a pile of defensive linemen for touchdowns

Marion Barber and Julius Jones' future: Marion Barber's guest appearance on Dancing With The Stars season 3985858468 as Julius Jones' life partner, joint columnists for Cat Fancy magazine, retro tiki bar owners

[pictured being mind-explodingly awesome]

Jimmy Johnson then: owner of a mighty head of hair, stern but fun head coach, Barry Switzer's Cyrano de Bergerac

Jimmy Johnson now: owner of mighty head of hair, pre-game show ringleader, potential Parrothead

[pictured being everyone's idea of a fun grandpa]

Wade Phillips now: mild mannered coach, Tony Romo's favorite source of hugs, snow fox

Wade Phillips' future: Hall of Fame inductee, Jason Garrett's Cyrano de Bergerac, proud owner of largest collection of Precious Moments figurines known to man

Sadly, there can be only one of these and I have yet to find anyone who can compare to Jay Novaceck:

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