Monday, December 17, 2007

A letter to an old school chum...

(Blonde Ambition available in a super special direct-to-DVD release this month!)

Now, I know that it's hackish and cheap to say that Jessica Simpson "cursed" the Cowboys yesterday. I know that every media outlet has already make enough cracks about the fact that Jessica Simpson was at the Cowboys-Eagles game. But I don't care. It's one dead horse I could beat all day.

Dear Jessica Simpson,

Hey there! Gee, it seems like so long since we went to school together. Man, remember how you used to talk incessantly about your Christian pop album during theater and choir practice? Crazy days, good times.

So Jess, I see that you are dating Tony Romo now. That's pretty cool. You guys seem like a match made in Abercrombie Outlet store heaven. Some people are saying that you should not be at the Cowboys games. Now, I think that's silly. What they may not know is that you were actually at the Green Bay game two weeks ago when you watched Tones triumph over his childhood idol. The Michelob Ultras must have tasted that much better in the hot tub that night! If I was dating the starting quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys, I would totally go to the games. I've never been lucky enough to go to a Cowboys game in person. At Mavs games they drop Chili's coupons so I totally understand how fun going to professional sporting events can be.

Now, I would hope that you are intelligent enough to understand that as a celebrity you will attract the attention of both media and fans. In which case, it would behoove you (and your beau and his team) to conduct yourself with at least a modicum of decorum. And I don't mean that in a "Stand By Your Man"/a woman's place is in the home/barefoot and pregnant sort of way. I mean that you should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES display your pink #9 jersey by repeatedly standing up and shimming and convulsing with your mouth agape like you are waiting for the Adderal to kick in before trying to earn a set of beads. Because by doing so, you give everyone an easy target.

I guess once you realized that Tones was playing like the third string quarterback/aspiring semi-pro golfer that he started as, you decided to go sit in a box. Good move. It indicates that you are at least as wise as American Idol alum Carrie Underwood who retreated from the sidelines to the boxes this time last year to watch Tones choke against the Eagles. In the box, you joined the ranks of other box-occupiers such as Avery Johnson who was bending Jerry Jones ear with advice. Now, let's rule out that Avery was giving Jerry any advice about success in sports. Unless Jerry wants to know how to psych out an entire city with teases of greatness followed by catastrophic collapses, I am going to assume you guys were talking about your favorite Papa John's toppings. I go with Canadian Bacon, onions and green peppers myself.

So in conclusion, I guess I just expected slightly more class out of you. I mean here you are, JESSICA SIMPSON! That's right, the Jessica Simpson who is not only the spokesperson for her own line of hair weaves and extensions BUT ALSO a line of vanilla and cotton candy flavored edible body mousse. The Jessica Simpson whose movie career peaked in the role of Daisy Duke! The Jessica Simpson that couldn't comprehend basic things such as brand names of common canned food items! I guess being friends with Eva "Hey Ya'll, I totally gotz my Sidekick done in Swarovski crystals that are Spurs colors and that spell out Tony's number and I will prove it by holding it up prominently when the camera cuts to me at Spurs games!" Longoria probably doesn't help.

Well, it's about time for my morning trip to the vending machine for a Diet Coke. I hope this letter finds you well and that in the future at any Cowboys games you attend, you will sit the fuck down and not dress or act like a sports-crazed tranny who just gobbled up a bottle of Phen-Fen.


1 comment:

brian said...

i love you and your indomitable spirit.