Sunday, September 7, 2008

Jesus Brought Football Back To Us!



FOOTBALL IS HERE!!!!!!!

And the first appearance of the Fox football robot draws screams and sighs. Chad thinks he's cooked up some new moves over the off season.

Chad just saw Crayton for the first time. He got excited. Chad roots for Crayton hard.

I don't know why but the term "communication helmet" makes me laugh.

HEY! First Flozell Adams false start of the season. Ahhhh, this feels like real Cowboys football now.

I like when TO catches things with his elbows and ass. They're the new hands.

TOUCHDOWN. Marion Barber. That was easy. SUPER BOWL OR BUST.

Michelin commercial. Chad points out that the Michelin man is "not real. He's fake." Point taken. He celebrates this astute observation by cracking open the bean dip.

Chad responds to any successful Cowboys defensive play with "Nice try there, wise guy!"

REALLY?!?!?! A three headed dog? Some Browns fan came to the game in a three headed dog costume. Cleveland.....the city where the river caught on fire and people come to football games dressed as nuclear accidents.

New rule. When he messes up, he's Pacman. When, and if, he does anything worthwhile he will be Adam.

A discussion has started on the new Pacino - DeNiro movie. Chad thinks Pacino was pandering with "Scent of a Woman" and didn't deserve the Oscar for it. He emphasizes that point with a hearty "Whooooooo haaaaaaaaaa"

Marion Barber makes up for the fact that he hasn't been able to gain more than a few yards with getting away with a blatant "grabbing onto a face mask like the bars on a Six Flags ride."

TOUCHDOWN. I never understand TO's celebration dances. I hate to admit it but I guess TO is a way more evolved and more intelligent or clever person than I am. I thought he got a leg cramp. How am I supposed to know that was an Olympic sprinter setting up? I feel like he should Twitter his celebration dance intentions each quarter.

Chad on TV's new hit show Hole in Wall: "Finally, a show I can relate to!"

Let me make this absolutely clear. The new Microsoft Jerry Seinfeld commercial is all of the following things: a) not funny b) too long c) not in any way comparable to the snappy Mac commercials. I also hated every second of Seinfeld but still, they make TO's dances look straightforward and laugh out loud.

Romo's first incomplete pass comes halfway through the second quarter. I can live with that.

And you have earned your Adam, Mr. Jones. Way to break up that pass. We will just brush that kick return under the rug.

Can't blog this drive. Too busy clapping.

The Burger King King is falling in with a bad crowd. First he is shown running from the cops and being hit by a cab in his attempt to flee arrest. Then a few minutes later, we see him playing Dance Dance Revolution with the Fox Football Robot.

TOUCHDOWN. I'm still thinking about what other brand spokesperson I would like to see Dance Dance Revolution with the Fox Football Robot. Right now the short list includes the AFLAC duck, Jared from Subway and the FreeCreditReport.Com guy.

HALFTIME

Discussions at halftime involve Philip trying to convince us that the Taco Bell Volcano Taco's sauce is NOT called Lava Sauce. Chad informs us that Patrick Crayton will henceforth be known as Crazy Eyes Crayton.

SECOND HALF


The Fox Football Robot really has taken over approximately 20% of our football commentary.



Chad thinks that some of the Cleveland Browns have weight problems.

Seeing Tony Romo at the bottom of 700 plus pounds of Browns grimacing makes me very nervous and sad.

Chad: "HAHAHAHA. Crayton! That's my boy! He's so patient!" I can imagine Crayton in line at the bank just whistling and smiling. Not a care in the world.

TOUCHDOWN. Felix Jones scores on his first NFL carry.

Now there's some talk about the talking e-Trade baby doing Dance Dance Revolution with the Fox Football Robot.

Felix Jones = NEW FOOTBALL BOYFRIEND

Also, did Jason Witten get sodomized in a Turkish prison in the off-season? Don't get me wrong, he's getting some nice catches. But he then ducks and crumples like someone's holding his children at gunpoint.

Chad on Wade Phillips: "I'm gonna put my paw in the honey pot." Yep, that's right. We have Winnie the Coach.

Browns interception in the end zone. That's ok. We didn't need that touchdown.

This entire Browns drive makes me feel like I've eaten a Volcano Taco followed by a Jack in the Box Breakfast Bowl. The good news is that if you have bought ad time on this game, it worked.

It's hard to gauge which one the crew here is more excited about: a rousing Cowboys victory or the premiere of Hole in the Wall.

We all agree that we should go ahead and score at least one more touchdown. Or as Chad says, "twist their titties just a little more." Which Philip counters with an astute, "Purple nurple."

Holding call against the Cowboys. Chad's take on Wade Phillips's reaction: "Where's Piglet?"

And the game's over. Time for a Volcano Taco in a Bowl of e-Trade in my Tacoma.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have to say that your lighthearted tone is really inappropriate- maybe you didn't hear, but apparently Tom Brady died today. Please have a little respect.

tommysauras rex said...

Someone else realizes Seinfeld is unfunny?

Chrissy said...

I got a little choked up reading this, and then nearly lost my shit when you mentioned the bean dip. Bean Dip! The true taste of freedom.

BTW will you answer your damn phone occasionally? Ta very much.