Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Mr. Jackson, I Have Leon Lett on Line One for You...

Let me start by saying that I took a little notebook and pen with me to Adair's with the good intention of taking notes. You know, just in case anything noteworthy or interesting happened during the game. Needless to say, sometime just before the half, the pen exploded, molten lava came gushing forth from it, the notebook spontaneously combusted and the entire bar burned down.

Also, before anyone points it out, I know that Desean Jackson's Most Awesome Fuck Up Ever didn't actually have any impact on the game because the Eagles were able to score from the one yard line on the next snap. The one yard line AKA Where The Party Really Starts For Desean Jackson. But when Football Jesus looks through the hole in Texas Stadium and wants to see a good comedy bit, he dials up something like that. Sometimes Football Jesus is a spiteful visual comedian and gives us things like this:

But then he waits a little over a decade and makes it up for you by having the Desean Jackson throw away a perfectly good touchdown one yard shy of the end zone with no defenders anywhere near him. And so for that, Leon Lett will be sending a cookie bouquet today.

I can't really wrap my head around the badassness of last night's game fully yet. Was it the curse words I was yelling as I thought we were going to go into the half two possessions down to the Bird Flu Eagles? Was it that Donovan McNabb annoys me with his ability to become a human turnstyle and evade what should have been no less than a dozen gender-changing sacks and even pick up yards in the process? Yes, that certainly was part of it. Was it some wacky officiating? I checked the Football Thesaurus and nowhere does it state that "pass was tipped" = "pass interference by trying to remove the receiver's arms." I know they corrected themselves on that one but usually a tipped ball gives a few indications that it's been tipped. Let's make this easier and write it like a redneck joke: if your pass leaves the hands of the quaterback and glides pristine through the air, untouched by any other human hands until it reaches its' intended receiver, you might NOT be a tipped pass.

I still want to see more Felix Jones. Which is a weird thing for me to say in a game where Marion Barber showed off like he did. But every time I see Felix Jones, I just want to cry happy tears of joy over how fast and nimble-footed he is. And the Gas Station Ham Sandwich "It Will Do, I Guess" Player of the Game Award goes to my favorite Cowboy of last season: Jason Witten. Don't get me wrong. Go ahead and insert all the nice things about how he's just a good, solid workmanly player and how he had some big catches last night, including the one that he just didn't quite make it to in time the first go around but then managed to catch and nearly get into the end zone on the next drive. But just as I noticed in the Cleveland game, he seems to go down pretty easy these days for being a fairly big tight end. I hope he's not turning manorexic or anything. I feel like just for him someone should be holding a puppy or a picture of Stewie from Family Guy at the end zone to bring that fire back into his eyes.

And T.O. didn't, to my knowledge, just try to whip it out and urinate on Donovan McNabb while he wasn't looking so all in all, I say last night was a resounding success. Huzzah!

Also, I dedicate this post to the most awesome football watching buddy I have ever had the pleasure of sharing a table with. I think his name was Mike. He was a Houston "refugee" but I think he might have been saying that for sympathy drinks. He looked exactly like Michael Strahan and was, hands down, the funniest football commentator I have had the pleasure of being amused by. Some of his gems included:

(Upon seeing Donovan McNabb evade Cowboys Sack Attempt # 202938475): "Awwwww hell no, I'm getting in my car and heading over there right now and taking this guy down my goddamn self."

(On his preferred Cowboys tackling technique vs. Philly): "Take him DOWN! Out for the season. I don't care if he just ran out of bounds, give him a shove. Go for the knee."

(On how Cowboys defensive linemen should get up once a play is over): "Make sure to throw a little elbow right on their necks when you're getting up. Beat the hell out of them."

(On the Cowboys getting away with a pretty blatant facemask): "Nah, it's not our fault those dumb motherfuckers keep putting their faces in our open hands and shit."

He also had a theory about putting salt on Cowboys player's fingers then poking those fingers in Philly players' eyes. The guy has a lot of ideas about stuff.


Anonymous said...

"human turnsdial" is exactly right. -jorsh

Eathan said...

I was disappointed that the Cowboys didn't win by a larger margin. We have some bright spots in the game and are on the verge of brilliance at times. But now that Roy Williams is out for a few weeks, maybe the defense will step up and get the job done.

PS. Felix Jones can be the burst of speed we've been looking for in the last 10 years. He looked great!