Friday, September 19, 2008

Why I Am Not Too Worked Up About Josh Howard by Amanda Cobra

I suppose I should be spearheading an angry letter writing campaign demanding for the trade of Josh Howard. Or better yet, I should be fashioning a makeshift torch out of today's sports section of the Dallas Morning News (more of a comment on how entertaining a read I find it to be) and rounding up fellow angry villagers to storm the castle and demand the monster be brought to us. But I just am not that angry. Just like how I wasn't angry when Josh Howard admitted to smoking weed in the off-season. Maybe Josh Howard has lost the ability to shock me. But wait, that's not true!

I can think of at least one Josh Howard incident that still gets me worked up. It was the birthday party thing where in the midst of choking in the first round of the playoff last season, Howard saw fit to throw himself a little b-day shindig and hand out invites to said shindig in the locker room. All I could think of was how when I was a kid, I loved going to Wet and Wild but my birthday was in December. So I would always bitch about how I would never get to have a birthday party at Wet and Wild. One day my mom pointed out that you can have your birthday party any day of the year and if I wanted, I could just move my birthday temporarily to June to accommodate Wet and Wild's hours of operation. I should hope in the future that Josh Howard adheres to the Wet and Wild birthday logic. Birthday parties are not manifest destiny, dude.

But without getting too ranty or political, I just can't get outraged about his most recent shenanigans. It was stupid, that's for sure. But I guess the reason I can't get too worked up about it is because it's not the incendiary statement of a Huey P. Newton trying to tear the fabric of a nation apart. It's Urkel. It's Urkel talking into a camera phone at a flag football game. I kind of wish the follow up press release was a heartfelt "Diiiiiiid I doooooooooo thaaaaaaaat?" though no one ever asks me to write their mea culpa press releases anymore. His statement, though I guess I should be deeply offended as an Amuuuuurican, reminded me of when my skateboarding boyfriend in 8th grade would draw the flag upside down on his backpack or write something about BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU on his Government textbook. I am just surprised Josh didn't follow it up by kindly explaining to the camera that all barcodes add up to 666.

I will be horribly offended if Josh Howard chokes in the second half like he tended to do last season. Because, in his words, "I don't believe in that shit."


josh said...

The only thing that upsets me is, whenever Josh makes non-generic sports guy statements, he can't seem to talk in complete sentences or even have basic subject/verb agreement. It makes everyone with a Wake Forest education look bad. I.E. "goddamn, Barack Obama and all that goddamn."

What does that even mean? He needs to learn basic grammar and the proper method of cursing.

amandacobra said...

I will give you that. Proper cussing technique is crucial.

The "what the ball do" quote, though grammatically tragic, is the stuff sports radio board ops have dirty dreams about though. And you know those guys don't see much action so in a way, it's Josh's way of looking out for the little guys.

josh said...

For true.

Josh is a charitable fellow to disadvantaged kids and Grubers alike in that sense.

Defensive Listening said...

I kind of have hope that Josh's tendency to make (what are deemed to be) inappropriate comments results in him playing with the same "me against the world" fire of Allen Iverson, who is the league leader in this area, and usually scoring as well. I can't wait to see if he gets extra boos, mostly in the surrounding states. I'm ready for this season to start already.

amandacobra said...

I cannot wait for basketball season to start.

I can wait for the inevitable redneck Mavs fans who will show up with "Love It or Leave It" or "Trade the Traitor" signs. It's going to get all Toby Keith concert vibe-y, I'm afraid.

Defensive Listening said...

That's what I mean. Hopefully that will just piss him off and he'll have some hot-streak until everyone forgets about this irrelevant garbage. He's not running for public office.