Monday, September 22, 2008

Turophobia - Year Two

Thanks NBC. First completely useless football stat thrown at us before Green Bay even makes a single play.

But that’s okay because they only got one in before they fumbled and we recovered and ran it back to Green Bay’s 14 yard line. I take it back about the useless stats. Keep ‘em comin’.

Danny thought they should go for it on 4th and 3, two minutes into the game. Danny should not be trusted to make any important decisions about anything and hopefully is only allowed to use safety scissors at work.

Everyone is noticing how nonplussed we were about that field goal. Wake me when we get to 40 points.

John Madden’s voice takes on a much more breathy tone when there’s brats on a grill being shown coming back from commercials.


Is it a sack when the quarterback in question really just decided to cop a squat?
They really should reconsider having defensive linemen introduce themselves and let everyone know what school they attended. It ends up being a great disservice to both their alma mater and higher learning in general.

I take back all the manorexia comments about you Jason Witten. You are a big Arby’s slab of tight end man.

Intercepted in the end zone? The only person who can bring him down is TO? These are not my Cowboys. This is not my beautiful team.

It’s official: field goals are the refuge of the weak.

I have no idea what just happened. Tony Romo almost sacked. Throws the ball as he goes down. Caught but fumbled but caught again. Then ball bursts into flames and ascends into the heavens and disintegrates into stardust only to rain back down onto the field as one million Dave and Busters tokens.

Tony Romo just got sacked for the 97th time. True story.

“What can I say? Fast cars are hot.” I guess the writer’s strike had no adverse effects on the new Knight Rider series then.

Another new NFL fact: The Dallas Cowboys now hold the record for playing the two most unsackable quarterbacks in professional football in consecutive weeks. I can only imagine what next week holds. Perhaps a quarterback who can actually levitate? One that turns invisible just after the snap?

The Cialis “bathtubs on the beach” commercials are a comedy fountain. You can run with that in a direction of your choosing.

TOUCHDOWN! Everyone high fives. Then we rewind it approximately five times to watch Wade Philips post-touchdown Pillsbury Doughboy reaction. Or as someone points out, “If he had a speech bubble over his head right now, it would just say ‘HAMBURGERS’”

Danny’s controversial opinion on Subway’s Jared: “That guy’s been stealing money for 15 years.”


I have nothing to say about this third quarter so far other than “shitballs”

It’s nice that we held them to a field goal. It’s not as nice that everyone in the room has the Sunday Night Football theme song embedded deep within their brains.

TOUCHDOWN! Marion Barber and Witten with a cheddar bacon cheeseburger block. The hamburger theme has really taken hold. For the first time in the game, a few cheers have gone up for the extra point? Hmmmm, I don’t know if I can get behind that.

We rewind it to see what Dave kindly point out as Scandrick’s “butthole square on the turf” which is actually a jarring shot of Scandrick’s semi-bare ass. It’s then pointed out that the game has been rewound enthusiastically for Wade Phillips’ “HAMBURGER” moment and the Scandrick bare ass moment. Sadly, when one member of our watching party was out of the room for the freakish Tony Romo fumble/catch/fumble/catch/first down play, the game was less enthusiastically rewound. What does that say? Skin and hamburgers sell.

Jay Ratliff gets a sack and then turns into some sort of weird amalgam of the Hulk and Frogger.

Wow. A Cowboys three and out that ended with 3rd and 25 and Tony Romo barely escaping a sack and throwing the ball to the back of Marion Barber’s elbows. But it gets better. False start on the punt. Apparently, that’s possible. Then a long punt and a fight. I have no idea what’s going on. Where did I park my truck? Who’s got my wallet?

Weirdest news brief ever. “You know who’s never won an Emmy until tonight? DON RICKLES. Don Rickles just won an Emmy!”

I was kind of hoping that the fact that they just mentioned that there was a “gaping hole” on the field would be allowed to pass peacefully into to the night without any sort of comments. I do not get my wish.

Apparently TO didn’t want to catch that pass that was thrown to him so he batted it down.

TOUCHDOWN! Miles Austin caught a pass that no human should have ever caught. Seriously, where’s my truck?

I have no idea what Al Michaels means by this but he just went from praising Jason Witten’s abilities as both a receiver and a blocker to saying that he would play with Jason Witten anytime, anywhere. It became highly homoerotic and I don’t know if he was referring to fantasy football or some sort of lucid dreaming flag football game that he will be enjoying later tonight.

Al Michaels and John Madden are officially hammered and have started quoting Josh Howard. During a brief segment about how they make chocolate in Wisconsin, the only commentary they could come up with was a giggle, knee slap and “That’s crazy!”

Misc. quote during the commercials: “Dude, I totally saw Tom Petty last month and he didn’t play ‘The Waiting’ and I was so pissed.” The response to which was, “You should totally Myspace him and leave him a nasty comment about it.”

Wackiest desperation play of the game: Green Bay forward pass that, unfortunately for them, came with a minute and a half left in the game and on a first down. Apparently, the entire Green Bay Packers also don’t know where they trucks collectively are.

The most well-deserved rewind of the entire game: the completely unsolicited Wade Phillips “Come On!” that occurs with 50 seconds left in the game, with the Cowboys well in the lead and there really not being any need to yell out anything but directions to the airport. If I ever become a Make a Wish kid retroactively, I want my Make a Wish to be to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with Wade Phillips. The End.

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