Thursday, October 9, 2008

I Smell Romance and, Quite Possibly, Vomit



(Pacman Jones pictured in his 8753th mugshot; Amy Winehouse pictured bleeding from her feet and knees, her sobbing face smeared with blood and eyeliner just running out to pick up the paper and maybe a bite to eat)

I don't feel like I need to give you a synopsis of what Pacman Jones was up to in the wee hours of Wednesday morning because my "job" is to inject humor into something and the actual report of what happened is better than anything I could come up with. But just to refresh your memory:

Pacman, his girlfriend and two of his bodyguards had some dinner then popped over to the Joule Hotel so Pac could hang with his buddy Ludacris. Witnesses said Pacman was looking a little tipsy and also skipped out on his dinner bill. According to a Dallas police release, there was a disturbance call made at approximately 11 p.m. by an employee at the hotel. Two men went in the bathroom and a fight ensued that resulted in a broken glass light switch plate.


So Pacman Jones got squiffy and went to see his buddy Ludacris but ends up FIGHTING HIS OWN BODYGUARD. The job of "Pacman Jones' bodyguard/guy who makes sure he stays out of trouble" better pay approximately $357 million dollars per month not including the Christmas bonus of a guaranteed 72 virgins waiting for you at the gates of heaven. And health insurance.

Wait. Beating up your own bodyguard? Sounds familiar. Oh. My. God. That's it!

Amy Winehouse and Pacman Jones sitting in a tree.....and now they're punching each other and trying to shove each other out of the tree......did she just hit him with a bloody ballet flat?..........K-I-S-S-I-.......oh god, he's tossing money at her and she's rolling each bill up into tight tubes.....now they're drinking cold medicine and everclear out of an old gas can....someone really should taser them and get them down out of that tree.

If I ran some sort of eHarmony for fuck-ups, I could show you their compatibility is off the charts. I would also run one of those ads where they talk about the first time they met only they would be filmed next to the dumpster outside Long John Silvers on a hot August day. I want to really stay true to my brand and my clients.

Amy Winehouse:

Do you have obvious substance abuse or alcohol problems that cause you to find yourself being arrested more than once a year, on average?: YES

Have you or a loved one been involved in a violent altercation that seriously threatened a member of the general public's life and/or permanently paralyzed them?: YES


Have you ever altered your appearance so as to appear to be a habitual user of illegal substances such as constantly sporting a comically unkempt fake 3 foot tall beehive hairdo or wearing red contact lenses like you just watched Blade on a methamphetamine binge?
: YES


Have you ever assaulted your own bodyguard?:
YES


Do you currently have charges pending or are on probation for lashing out and assaulting a complete stranger?
YES


Has your talent been completely wasted?:
YES


Are you totally incapable of achieving anything professionally as simple as showing up for a concert, recording an album or running a kick back for any minimal amount of yardage?
YES


Alright, Pacman, it's your turn....

Pacman Jones:


Do you have obvious substance abuse or alcohol problems that cause you to find yourself being arrested more than once a year, on average?: YES

Have you or a loved one been involved in a violent altercation that seriously threatened a member of the general public's life and/or permanently paralyzed them?: YES


Have you ever altered your appearance so as to appear to be a habitual user of illegal substances such as constantly sporting a comically unkempt fake 3 foot tall beehive hairdo or wearing red contact lenses like you just watched Blade on a methamphetamine binge?
: YES


Have you ever assaulted your own bodyguard?:
YES


Do you currently have charges pending or are on probation for lashing out and assaulting a complete stranger?
YES


Has your talent been completely wasted?:
YES


Are you totally incapable of achieving anything professionally as simple as showing up for a concert, recording an album or running a kick back for any minimal amount of yardage?
YES

I hope they end up together and we can all watch them ride off into the sunset together. Or more likely, ride off in separate patrol cars screaming "I love you!" followed by "I'm gonna kill you in your sleep!"

I've already got a cute celebrity couple nickname for them: WinePac

1 comment:

Bizzy B said...

yo why u sweaten Pacman yo? nigga just tryin 2 live you know this!

white people

Quiznos is DUMB GOOD B!!