Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Thank You For Your Submission in the Fake Chipotle-Off. Unfortunately...

Oh Taco Bueno, you silly bitch! You knew how much I love Chipotle. Everyone does. Even my boss who got food poisoning there has been known to still darken the Chipotle doors from time to time. Considering how insanely popular Chipotle has become, I am assuming you thought, "Well, what the hell? How hard could that be?" and decided to look at a picture and menu online and figure you could knock some fake Chipotle out and maybe even cut the price a little.

I saw your television ad and though you didn't mention the C-spot by name, we all knew who this flame grilled menu was a tribute to. I was immediately excited that, because the commercial showed such Chipotle favorites as the bowl and the burrito, you would obviously also offer the Chipotle salad. I understand that Fatty McAmerica doesn't want to see salads on TV. So I figured you were keeping that on down low. I mean it's all the same ingredients but just with some lettuce in place of the rice. You serve salads so I know you have some lettuce lying around.

Today was the big day. Because apparently part of your company creed is to build your restaurants in very odd or inconvenient locations, I had to go a little out of my way. But I knew you were gonna pay me back for that. It's probably a good time to mention that the West End Chipotle is walking distance from my office and my standard chicken salad runs about $6 each or maybe $7 if I go buck wild and get the guacamole.

So I get to my "closest" Taco Bueno and find out that you don't do salads. Just the bowl, burrito and taco. Strike one. Then I notice the price. $5 before guacamole is no cheaper than Chipotle. And when I say yes to the guacamole at Chipotle, they don't reach for a melon baller to precisely measure out my meager portion. But I decided to give you a twirl and got the chicken bowl. It took longer to get it than it does at Chipotle but I thought maybe that's because you were taking extra steps to ensure the badassness of this bowl.

You can imagine my shock and disappointment when I got back to work and opened up my bowl at my desk to realize that I had just participated in an elaborate culinary joke at my own expense. You told me the rice was lime cilantro rice. What it actually was is more like three impenetrable balls of goey Uncle Ben's minute rice with some sort of sweetener added to it. But boy you must be proud of that rice because if my bowl were to be turned into a cutaway 3-D model of the layers of the earth, the chicken, guacamole, black beans and salsa could be representative of the crust. The rice could then be representative of the Upper mantle, Transition region, Lower mantle as well as both the Outer and Inner cores. I could have, I suppose, just asked you to steal my wallet and spoon sticky balls of cold rice straight into my mouth while all the other employees stood around and pointed and laughed. But that wouldn't have been quite as educational for me.

But now I know. I don't know who you gave Buenohead to in order to get this idea off the ground. All I know is this: Taco Bueno Fake Chipotle = FAILED.


My friend Danny also fell victim to the No Bueno Bowl. Only he had the wisdom (and lack of concern about littering, apparently) to throw his out of the car window after only a few bites. If only...

Please enjoy this IM exchange between Danny and I while I find the closest ER.

Danny: i have already commented on your burrito experience. i am a victim.
and a bad typist.

me: i feel like a chump. and i fucking drove to lovers lane to get that pile of shit

Danny: there is one on lemmon.

me: at least it was on my way to buy some new jeans. which i had to buy because all my jeans are too big. or were until i ate 19 pounds of rice

Danny: if you want to go on a second date with your bueno bowl, i'll pay for it.

me: no chuck. i just didn't feel any chemistry.

Danny: gonna remain on your own?

me: seriously, i have never eaten so much minute rice in my life
cold slimy minute rice

Danny: i know. i know.
the thought of it makes me vomity.

me: i hate taco bueno. i don't even want their shitty free taco coupons anymore.
so. much. rice. in. my. body. right. now.

Danny: fuck rice!

me: god. i need water. i think i have rice poisoning
getting water. brb unless i go into carb-related convulsions

Danny: will be your last meal.
i am giggling so hard at the word "rice" right now. i am retarted.
rice. it fucking blows.
hey buenoheads!! hope you fucking like rice!!
"the new gourmet burrito from taco bueno. filled with all of your bueno GODDAMN RICE! shit tons of it!!"

me: do you like cutting corners? you'll love our new instant rice bowl. come on in and prepare to be bloated!

Danny: do you like guac fired out of a goddamn caulking gun? grade E chicken parts? and a FUCKLOAD OF RICE? then step right up sucker, cause you're about to get fucked! by the way, that will be six bucks. FUCK OFF!

me: my player is killing me. it's suggestion for a long afternoon of my body valiantly trying to digest a metric ton of rice? SIMPLY FUCKING RED!
also, i guess i mistakenly ordered their special recipe brown guac. i like vintage clothing and classic movies so why not some old guacamole?
i hope mavs man sodomizes the CEO of taco bueno and they play it on the jumbotron at all mavs home games this season. while making him eat rice.

Danny: i bet mavs man ejaculates hot sticky loads of ..... RICE!

me: mavs man is a human bueno bowl. i feel like i just swallowed mavs man. take that as you will

Danny: give it all to me, mavs man. i want all of it. all of your hot rice in my mouth.
jesus. you should blog this exchange.

me: i will. it might be my last act before i spend the last hour of work drinking bleach and writing my last will and testament. i'm not kidding. i feel like hell. it's rice-based

Danny: my own private rice-based hell.
i am laughing my fucking ass off.


Anonymous said...

i, too, fell victim of this mexican ruse. you are right. it's a fucking rice bowl. sticky, wet, sucky rise. and what the fuck is "chipotle sauce"? the chicken was from the beaks and feet scrap pile. i threw it out the window of my car after 3 bites. taco bueno - 1, danny - 0.

Anonymous said...

rise. ruse. rice. whatever. it's fucking horrible.

Josh Campbell said...

I tried this 2 days ago. I noticed the rice and attempted to communicate to the meth head taking my order that I wanted to substitute lettuce for the rice. (I'm trying to watch my carb intake which makes my wife think I am gay, which I think says more about her than me, but I digress.) So the tweaker asks me if I am getting this "to-go" 4 times, and I say "no" 3 times and the last time I only respond "seriously?" Needless to say, I ended up with mostly rice and no lettuce. So I exchanged it for a taco salad without the tortilla shell and was satisfied since it was only $4.53.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear this was the one thing I still had hopes for, the one thing I was looking forward to. Things have been so bad lately, I can't get it turned around. I was hoping this would be the start of something new and fresh (literally). Just another gimmick in this bullshit world I guess. Goodbye everyone.