Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want

Alright, as you might remember (you probably don’t) last Cowboys season, I did a little game-by-game breakdown of each Cowboys game up to the BYE. I even implored to the Cowboys, “Come on, let's make this season Pyromania and not Euphoria” Clearly they did not take my advice as the season turned out to be not like a good Def Leppard album or even a mediocre or bad Def Leppard album but more like the car crash that severed Rick Allen’s arm.

And like every other Cowboys fan not named _____ Jones, I am thoroughly disheartened by the piss-poor draft. If it weren’t for the glimmer of hope I got from the first half of the Tennessee game, I would probably be opening up a few veins in a warm tub and listening to Closer by Joy Division. As it stands, I will say that my optimism for the upcoming Cowboys season (henceforth know only as The Season We Let Mike Shanahan Take a Year Off and Let Wade Phillips Play Coach For One More Season) is like my love for the songs of The Smiths. I love the Smiths. I love them no matter what, just like how I love the Cowboys. No matter how many fumbles, first round play-off exits or Johnny Marr and the Healers albums come between me and them, the love still burns like a pair of sneakers in Andre Rison’s bathtub. And so with that, I meld the two together seamlessly (well, kind of) to bring you my Cowboys-Up-to-the-BYE week preview…

Sunday, September 13th - @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers (noon)

“A Rush and Push and the Land is Ours”

There is no theoretical reasons why the Cowboys would lose this game short of the entire offensive line catching Montezuma’s Revenge simultaneously. We started last season out with the Browns. Remember that? I do. There was a Browns fan in the stands dressed as a three-headed dog. I also remember the return of the Fox Football robot, the commercial where the Burger King reverse pickpockets people on the street and the introduction of the Volcano Taco. Which should indicate three things: 1. The game was kind of dull 2. Advertising works 3. But I have not, in the past year, eaten a Volcano Taco or anything from Burger King so maybe it doesn’t after all.

I usually drag myself weakly out of bed in time to catch the last 30 minutes of the pregame show for noon games on Sundays. I say silent prayers every weekend that someone will hit Terry Bradshaw in the mouth hard and right now, all my money is on otherwise mild-mannered Michael Strahan snapping and taking one for the team. But not this game. This will be like Christmas morning. I won’t be able to sleep and the minute I grasp the first strand of consciousness, all I will be able to think about is about how cocky Jay Glazer will be when he announces the last minute gossip and injuries. “Yeah so Michael Vick and I were Skyping this morning and he says to look for the wildcat out there today.”

Sunday, September 20th – New York Giants (7:15pm)

“Barbarism Begins at Home”

Wow, I cannot wait for this game. As far as I am concerned, the Tampa Bay game is like a bonus preseason game. Funny quote: either Brad Sham or Babe Laufenberg made the proclamation during the Titans preseason game that Tony Romo, upon a long completion to Jason Witten, was “better than anyone realizes, even Romo himself. Ahead of him you really only have Manning and Brady if we’re being honest.” The next play was a obscenity-inducing interception thrown by Romo. The issuer of the previous hot sports opinion amended his original statement with, “I take back everything I just said. Nevermind.” Now THAT’S the kind of play calling I love. Baseless and hyperbolic opinions which are proven completely inaccurate 30 seconds later. Buck, Aikman, Johnson, Costas et al, the ball is in your court.

Monday, September 28th – Carolina Panthers (7:30 pm)

“William, It Was Really Nothing”

Last season for Monday Night Football, we got the Eagles. Oh my, that was a game. I even remember bonding with hurricane evacuees over the punk-ness of Donovan McNabb. This season? The Panthers. Umm, yay? God, I am really trying to think of what exciting things could happen in this game. A punt hits the scoreboard? Another FAIL like this? I know that the Panthers, unlike us, actually made the playoffs last season. But now that Kerry Collins is sober in Tennessee and Rae Carruth is making license plates, they just don’t have that pizzazz they used to have. See what Jerry Jones has done to me with his love of felons?

Sunday, October 4th – @ Denver Broncos (3:15pm)

“This Night (or early afternoon, really) Has Opened My Eyes”

This game is a huge bundle of awesome for many reasons, few of which are actually related to the Cowboys. First off, I want to see what a difference Shanahan being gone makes now that some time has passed. I also am, of course, terribly interested in seeing how the Jay Cutler for Kyle Orton trade is going to work out. I am a totally shameless and unapologetic Kyle Orton sympathizer. But most important for me, I can’t wait to see how Knowshon Moreno is going to work out for the Broncos. I distinctly remember his otherworldly ability to leap and (unless I have made up this highlight reel in my mind) flip over defenders when playing for Georgia last season. Then again, I also stopped watching Georgia games after the blackout game against Alabama that turned into a footbortion. I would also really like to be able to wear a light jacket or sweater by the time this game rolls around? Alright, Allah/God/Pete Delkus?

Sunday, October 11th - @ Kansas City (noon)


Sundays are my one day I allow myself to well and truly sleep in. I feel like I must accomplish things on Saturday mornings and when football is not around, Sundays exist merely as a stopgap between weekend and being at my desk at work. Football gives me a reason to get out of bed. But what about when it’s football against the Kansas City Chiefs? I will probably watch at least half of this game in bed. Wow, this season sure does start off kind of slow, huh?

Oh wait, after the break we have a four week span that will see us play the Eagles, the Redskins, the Packers and the Giants again. Yeah, I’m saving up all my other Smiths songs for that streak. So expect to see a lot of “Girl Afraid”s and “You Just Haven’t Earned It Yet, Baby”s and “Miserable Lie”s. By December, I expect to be able to fully utilize “I Started Something That I Couldn’t Finish” and “Stop Me if You Think You’ve Heard This Before.”

On a side note:

Dear Mike Shanahan,

I love you, Mike Shanahan. Please come be our coach and make Tony Romo care about winning football games. You can keep Wade as our defensive coordinator because he’s the only head coach in the NFL that would take that kind of demotion. Or you can bring someone else in. Just please come and crack the whip. I’m not usually the type to sink to this kind of thing but I will let you touch my boobs if you come coach the Cowboys. Over the shirt, five seconds, no pictures.

Amanda Cobra


Grandpa Walton said...

Over the shirt, five seconds, no pictures.

Prepare yourself, Amanda, the ante for Shanahan might be higher than the usual DART ride at rush hour.

Goodnight, Amanda

Maggie said...

Got here via Bethany, who knows me to be a Smiths fan, and can I just say? BRILLIANT.

Josh Campbell said...

You know how they are gonna make the Chiefs game exciting? THROWBACK UNIFORMS!!! Chiefs are wearing Dallas Texans gear and the Cowboys are wearing the 1960-62 garb. That'll get you out of bed.