I'm So Pumped About Seeing Encino Man

1992 and 1993 were great years for me personally. I had a spiral perm. I was a cheerleader. I took dance and gymnastics classes. I listened to Metallica and Guns n Roses. A lot. But most important of all was the two magical Cowboys seasons.

Now I'm 26 and I don't have a spiral perm. I don't go to the orthodontist anymore. I do still listen to Metallica and Guns n Roses. But with the Cowboys going into tonight's game at 4-0, I am feeling all kinds of nostalgic. They're even playing the Buffalo Bills, a team which innocently represented Cowboys Super Bowl blowouts long before Buffalo '66 made me think of strip
clubs and shifter cars in relation to the Bills.

While they may not all play the same position as their early 90's equivalents, let's A/B it here:


[pictured reacting to the news that Bret Favre never claimed that watching Aikman was like watching a young version of himself]

Troy Aikman then: Best Cowboys quarterback since Staubach. Weird shaped head.

Troy Aikman now: sports commentator, owns his own Ford dealership, sells bricks alongside a chimp/Pat Summerall




[pictured hanging out with Metal Skool, Criss Angel's baby brother Guido and Hal Sparks]

Tony Romo now: Earning comparisons to Staubach and Aikman, NFL Boy Wonder, much better sense of humor than Aikman

Tony Romo's future: Saab dealership, late night variety show featuring plate spinning, Hall of Fame


[pictured in what appears to be a frame from my grandmother's house]

Daryl Johnston then: Moose, future husband, literate

Daryl Johnston now: carpet cleaning pitchman, color commentator, not current husband


[pictured signing a "Baby's First Commemorative Helmet"]

Jason Witten now: steady and dependable tight end, probably not big on freestyle poetry slams (unconfirmed), good bet for 3rd and long

Jason Witten's future: bolt cutter spokesperson, color commentator, world renowned alpaca expert


[pictured during his brief but passionate affair with Cloris Leachman]

Michael Irvin then: legendary but infamous Cowboys wide receiver, dance machine, never one to pass up a fancy hat

Michael Irvin now: Hall of Fame inductee, paraphernalia confiscator, family lineage researcher


[pictured actually wearing a lampshade on his head like a true par-tay animal]

Terrell Owens now: NOT the most hated man in professional sports (thanks Barry Bonds! - T.O.), interpretive dancer, wide receiver finally living up to his salary and expectations

Terrell Owen's future: fame, riches, probably some sort of controversy


[pictured as featured in Sassy Magazine's "Grunge Hottie of the Month" article alongside fictional twin brother Jordan Catalano]

This one should be prefaced with the disclaimer that I became a vague friend of Mark Stepnoski's when he shopped at the record store I worked at when I was 19. He would buy anything rad that I recommended. He's a completely solid dude and bought me a shot of Jack Daniels on one particularly brutal Christmas Eve that I had to work.

Mark Stepnoski then: token stoner offensive lineman, Black Crowes fan, big but quick dude

Mark Stepnoski now: marijuana legalization advocate, Black Crowes fan, not as big a dude anymore


[pictured doing his impression of a touchdown as scored by the character Joe from Family Guy]

Patrick Crayton now: capable replacement for Terry Glenn, first NFL player to be raised by flamingos, klezmer collector

Patrick Crayon's future: Kia dealership owner, conversion to Judaism, DeSoto town key holder


[pictured on lame dance competition show that only fat women watch]

Emmitt Smith then: one of the greatest running backs of all time, proponent of "gaining yards" and "earning 1st downs" strategy, Babyface fan

Emmitt Smith now: married to Martin Lawrence's ex-wife, dancing dude, Hall of Fame inductee


[pictured doing a lovingly realistic imitation of Jethro Tull's Ian Anderson]


[pictured trying his hand at amateur air traffic control]

Marion Barber and Julius Jones now: effective running back tag team, Marion Barber has hair that makes me hungry for sour gummi worms, both capable of hopping over a pile of defensive linemen for touchdowns

Marion Barber and Julius Jones' future: Marion Barber's guest appearance on Dancing With The Stars season 3985858468 as Julius Jones' life partner, joint columnists for Cat Fancy magazine, retro tiki bar owners


[pictured being mind-explodingly awesome]

Jimmy Johnson then: owner of a mighty head of hair, stern but fun head coach, Barry Switzer's Cyrano de Bergerac

Jimmy Johnson now: owner of mighty head of hair, pre-game show ringleader, potential Parrothead


[pictured being everyone's idea of a fun grandpa]

Wade Phillips now: mild mannered coach, Tony Romo's favorite source of hugs, snow fox

Wade Phillips' future: Hall of Fame inductee, Jason Garrett's Cyrano de Bergerac, proud owner of largest collection of Precious Moments figurines known to man





Sadly, there can be only one of these and I have yet to find anyone who can compare to Jay Novaceck:

Doing my part.....as a fan

I am glad that I opted to watch the game in the privacy of my apartment yesterday. Because when the snap went over Tony Romo's head, I yelled a bad word. Then when he attempted to recover the ball but fumbled it, I yelled a different bad word (because I am big believer in constantly expanding ones' vocabulary, particularly when it comes to curse words). When he managed to recover the ball on the second grab, I said a third bad word but this one was said with an optimistic inflection. Then when he ran with that ball to gain a first down, I resorted to jumping up and down while making completely incoherant screaming sounds. Three or so plays later when Romo hustled to avoid getting sacked then found an open hole and ran in the ball for an easy touchdown, I actually did a small portion of a cheer I suddenly remembered from my days as a cheerleader. This is the kind of stupid behavior that I don't want to display in public.

So I know it's totally boring to rehash all the "Tony Romo is the Second Coming of Christ" stuff. It's equally boring to point out that Tony Romo's price is ascending at a rate that is almost certainly inversely proportionate to the number of Mom of the Year mugs Britney Spears has gotten lately. And everyone seems confident that Jerry Jones will make a 30+ million dollar offer soon. But I am getting nervous. That's why I am using my seldom-read blog to offer Tony Romo $100 if he promises me personally that he will return to play for the Cowboys after this season. I got paid today so I'm feeling philanthropic. I am even willing to make the check out to CASH if he so desires.

And just because all of this Cowboys-Not-Sucking Fever has really improved my Monday morning mood, I will throw in an extra bonus offer. I'm willing to offer Jason Garrett $25 if he will also stay on with the Tony Romo-led Cowboys beyond this season. That's 50 tacos from Jack in the Box! Or 5 DVD rentals from Blockbuster! I hear Knocked Up is great! Just think about it.

I feel like with the wave of optimism (which, for being a desperately cynical human being myself, even I am falling prey to) about the Cowboys I would remind everyone of that picture. Funny story: I actually somewhat humorously injured a ligament in my leg at a party, which up to that point had been a pretty sedate affair, while trying to recreate the Leon Lett shame dance. So in a way, I know how painful it is to be Leon Lett.

This blog was started as a Mavs blog with a touch of music talk or incoherent ranting about city ordinances. But I now feel like there's got to be some Cowboys action too. The last time I remember being this excited about the Cowboys was also a period of time in my life when I wore jhorts (don't bother google image searching that one) and listened to Guns n Roses in gymnastics class.

There's no point in writing about the first three games of the regular season. We won them all. The first one we won by a lot. The second one happened on a field that is also a baseball field which is annoying. The third one caused the entire city of Chicago to turn against Rex Grossman. There, you're caught up.

So in other words, I realized the other day that I can't watch a game and not have a beer. So between this Cowboys season and the upcoming Mavs season, I will probably end up looking eerily like this gentleman:



Except that, like I said, I am a cynic and probably more prone to the thumbs down option when posing for pictures.