"I tell you this, Tony. Sometimes they can smell fresh cash."

Listening to the Tony Romo To Be Dipped in Gold!!!!!!!!!!! press conference. Just heard him say he is going to buy a house but needs someone to decorate it (dude, don't lay it on quite so thick). Someone yelled "BRITNEY!" followed by a "not funny, dude!" which was correct. I don't think Britney would be a good choice when it comes to hiring a professional decorator (or home-based child care provider). Surely this will lead to some "I CAN DECORATE YOUR HOUSE, TONY!" signs.

So Tony Romo just signed a $67.5 mil contract. He's now making more than Tom Brady makes which should make the NFL quarterback Christmas party a little more awkward. I look forward to both the future paternity claims and future karaoke encounters. While I love giving him hell, I have to admit that Tony Romo is probably a pretty solid dude.

Please just stay the fuck out of LA, Tony. They don't even have a football team. Losers.

PS - Mavs just picked up Juwan Howard. How many Howards do we need?

This ball is slicker than a greased eel pie!

The first NFL game played outside North America was pretty funny. Not the game, mind you. The game was boring. Here's what we did learn about London NFL crowds:

1. They like wearing jerseys. Doesn't matter what team is playing. I want to start attending golfing events in full hockey goalie uniform.

2. They LOVE IT when people kick the ball. Doesn't matter if it's a field goal attempt or a punt. Which is endearing since punts tend to be one of the least thrilling parts of a football game for us North Americans. I want to start cheering fanatically during things like coin tosses and coaches challenges.

3. They still think streakers are funny. The irony is that, of all people, a guy with a name like Dick Stockton DOES NOT FIND STREAKERS AMUSING. Thank heavens for Goose and his thrilling Jersey Mike's-short order-cook-esque play-by-play on the streaker. A transcript would probably read something like this:

"Ohmigod, he's going on ta da field guys! Dis guy iz krazy man! He's going out dere man. Ha ha ha ha. He didn't come wit me guys."

He may have then hit a jukebox with his fist and given the thumbs up but we'll never know as the camera quickly cut back to Moose and Dick "Mayor of Squaresville" Stockton.

4. It's very rainy in England. Which makes catching a football nearly impossible. Which makes for a very amateurish game. I guess it was a clumsy tribute to rugby. Or a testament that North American football should never be played in England.

5. The English crowd DOES NOT APPRECIATE a team taking a knee to run the clock down. I find this amazing for a country that loves soccer so much. I have watched a Premier League championship game that lasted nearly four hours and was finally decided by a shoot out after nearly three solid hours without either team scoring a single point. But yeah, don't you dare think about running down the final minute of the quarter when one team is up by two possessions and the playing field looks like hellish war-torn sod pit.

6. The Super Bowl will not ever be played in London.



As for why Tony Romo spent the bye in Los Angeles eating cheeseburgers and knocking back Hypnotiq (presumably) with Britney Spears, I have no answers. I can only presume they did things like clip each other's toenails then had a belching contest. I hardly expected him to be having pho with Camille Paglia and discussing China's carbon output. But for fuck's sake, if you're going to spend your week off in a city that is the municipal equivalent of a titty bar in a strip mall near the airport please try your hardest to not end up getting a proverbial lap dance from the only stripper with both bullet and c-section scars.

Eagles 24, Cowboys 16
(that's including the safety that will occur when Romo gets distracted by a blonde shooting Popeye's coupons from a t-shirt cannon on the sidelines)

DEAR MARK "TWINKLE TOES" CUBAN,

My, you're looking thin and fit these days. How's all that dancing stuff going? Seems like you are having fun. I almost forgot you owned the Mavs for a second there. I mean with the regular season starting in a few weeks and you being the self-proclaimed hands-on owner guy, I would think that this is a pivotal moment for your beloved Mavericks. But whatever. When you've just gotta dance....

So I guess to make up for lost time (or press/sensational sports headlines/attention) you are now jumping into the Kobe trade talks. Now we all know that most of this talk is just something to keep our basketball minds occupied. You say that you are willing to give "anything but Dirk" in return for Kobe. Really? Really? I hope that was said for shocks and giggles.

Some people would say that a Dirk for Kobe trade is a good idea. I am not one of those people. However, I have a way bigger problem with the idea of losing any combination of Josh Howard, Devin Harris, Jason Terry or Devean George (though it would be kind of funny to see Devean George back in LA). I think one of the big hangups that the Mavs have faced in playoff/Finals scenarios in the past few years was Dirk, while maybe not technically choking, not playing with his regular season dependability. So you would keep Diet Choke and get rid of the solid workmen of the Mavs?

Again, this is all in the realm of pretend. But if that is truly how loyal you feel to Dirk at the expense of multiple talented Mavs, might I suggest you have Dirk frozen in carbonite and entombed just above the jumbotron at AAC? Then maybe ditch "Emminence Front" and props that spit out sparks in the player introductions before the game in favor of a Wagnerian aria and force all other Mavs to kneel before him. It's just an idea that I happen to believe is no more or less ridiculous than an NBA team owner doing the samba and pandering for the votes of America's overfed housewives in a battle to the death against Marie Fucking Osmond.

Yours truly,

Cuddle Pants