Thursday, September 4, 2008

I said I would liveblog Cindy McCain's speech but it looks like I will instead liveblog Ol' Limited Reachy's speech instead. I intended on starting with the Cindy McCain video introduction but it was so nauseating that, in my small tribute to Cindy McCain, I had to take a prescription anti-anxiety pill and have half a glass of wine and switch over to watch some Gordon Ramsay so you'll just have to imagine what kind of "WTF?!?!?!?" I had to say about that. Oh Gary Sinise, you silly weirdo.

First off, I would like to point out now that at 8:47pm CST tonight, I have realized that the phrase "hockey mom" is now apparently a synonym for everything I hate. Perhaps it is because I live in an area where hockey moms don't really exist, I was under the impression that a hockey mom was nothing different from a baseball mom, soccer mom or basketball mom. But on this final day of the RNC, I have now learned that hockey moms are actually either a) pitbulls with lipstick b) women who believe other women shouldn't be allowed to make the most vital choices of what they can do with their bodies c) women who think being a community organizer is something to be ridiculed. In short, hockey moms are awful.

Alright, Cindy McCain is done. Thank goodness. I was scared she was going to just start transposing entire sentences. Public speaking she good not much so at.

8:58 - Most confusing sign: "TERRORISTS BEWARE OF SARAH (OBAMA)"
What the fuck? Too much to tackle with that sign. Too bad they didn't throw in a Hussein reference.

9:00 - The podium rose out of the floor. I must admit, production value on this thing puts the Dems to shame. Did I mention that our candidate can reach things on high shelves?

9:03 - Another sign. "DRILL BABY DRILL". Points for vagueness. Points immediately deducted for sign being written on brown cardboard box with brand name still visible.

9:05 - Video starting. I hope they tell us more stories about strippers and family values.

9:13 - McCain looks as happy to be there as I am to be watching this. That kind of makes me like him. Also, they just showed a woman that looked like Suzi Quatro sobbing in the audience. I should have made a macro for "WTF?!?!?!?"

9:15 - Ummmmmmm, green screen? AWESOME! Please tell me that they are gonna do some sort of Sin City treatment on him. Maybe he's gonna re-enact the moon landing.

9:16 - Oh shit! Protester got in and has a sign about how McCain votes against vets. And he's getting camera time. And they haven't thrown him out. And he looks like Kevin Federline. Where's that macro?

9:22 - Holy hell, protesters getting in. Wow, HMS McCain speech going weird fast. Nice security.

9:25 - So apparently, when they yell "USA! USA!" it means someone else is interrupting them. I like how when he was about to be sensitive about how times are tough for Americans, a nice pretty protester got through and broke the momentum.

9:26 - Levi totally wants to shotgun a Natty Light right now. This convention shit is weak, brah.

9:28 - CNN was better at finding the black guy in the crowd last night because they showed him at least a dozen times. I guess he had to go home early. So far, minority sightings: McCain's adopted daughter.

9:32 - It's always weird when any politician does the "I fight for Davey Smith from Palo Alto who has rickets......" and everyone cheers. It always makes me think that Davey has a bunch of Myspace friends. Like Tila Tequila or something. I hope someone out there is fighting for Tila Tequila. I'm sure she's gonna have a lot of medical bills one day.

9:34 - Here's the part where he talks shit about Republicans. Let's see how this works out. Wait, how did Obama get lumped into how Republicans went wrong?

9:35 - Can we just secede into two countries and everyone who thinks Reagan was certainly NOT a hero can come live in my country? Please? Boat leaves in ten minutes.

9:39 - Really? Now he's just naming stuff that's bad and stuff that's good and putting his name before the good stuff and Obama's before the bad stuff and speaking really slowly. And they're responding. Like how you tell a four year old,

"Fire is HOT....BAD....NO......."

9:41 - "We're gonna help workers who lost a job that won't come back find a new one that won't go away"

Jobs aren't puppies. They didn't lose their jobs because they forgot to tie them up securely when they went inside the store. They lost them because your boy Bush ran a healthy economy into the ground partially because of a pointless war you supported, bud. But it's awfully nice of you to put it into big, nice, rounded, safety-tipped words like that.

9:44 - "We're going to send money to countries that don't like us very much"

WTF?!?!?! We're bribing France? Also, he's now stopping on every fifth word. Someone reboot him.

9:46 - He's talking about alternative sources of energy such a wind, nuclear, solar etc. There's a sea of cowboy hats which indicate the Texas delegates. They aren't clapping.

9:49 - Two black people. They aren't clapping. Could be press.

9:52 - Someone has a sign that says "STRAIGHT TALK" which got the theme song from the Dolly Parton movie of the same name stuck in my head. I think she basically plays a version of herself who somehow ends up getting a talk radio advice show in New York City where she shoots from the hip. Sorry, McCain has lost me.

9:54 - Now Obama is basically a pussy because he doesn't have POW scars. Awesome.


9:59 - I will say this: my grandfather fought in Korea and did two tours in Vietnam. It's honorable. But seriously, that does not a president make.

10:03 - So, I'm sorry. I missed the part where you told me how you were going to change anything. You are going to turn around the crapfest economy how? You are going to improve the quality of life for Americans how?

10:05 - Jesus, this "Raising McCain" song is unfuckigbearable. Thank you, wine. You're my friend. You helped me. You're my running mate. You're my hockey mom tonight.


nerver said...

brilliant. seriously brilliant.
i had to give you props over on Suck It.... let me know if you mind the quoting. i just felt it was my duty to help spread word of your awesomeness.

tommysauras rex said...

I concur, this made my day

Michael Bearlube said...

Great stuff, just read about this on the Guardian blog too:

"John McCain sounded like the vestry board chairman speaking at the church social about the success of the raffle. Or, as a colleague just put it: he looked like the guy who'd been the office accountant for 40 years giving his retirement address. After he'd eaten a little too much Chicken Kiev."

Lower taxes, but spending, and make more jobs in an economy that's already depressed! John McCain is magic.

Anonymous said...

"Old Man Yells at Cloud"

Michaela said...

When I heard "Pit Bulls, with lipstick" from the other room, I thought she said "Pit Bulls, with less tits" - and I gave her a point for it.

Anonymous said...

A pitbull with lipstick suggests inappropriate sexual tastes.

Anonymous said...

I thought the term 'Hockey Mom' meant she knew how to take a stick in the mouth. No?