Jesus Brought Football Back To Us!

FOOTBALL IS HERE!!!!!!!

And the first appearance of the Fox football robot draws screams and sighs. Chad thinks he's cooked up some new moves over the off season.

Chad just saw Crayton for the first time. He got excited. Chad roots for Crayton hard.

I don't know why but the term "communication helmet" makes me laugh.

HEY! First Flozell Adams false start of the season. Ahhhh, this feels like real Cowboys football now.

I like when TO catches things with his elbows and ass. They're the new hands.

TOUCHDOWN. Marion Barber. That was easy. SUPER BOWL OR BUST.

Michelin commercial. Chad points out that the Michelin man is "not real. He's fake." Point taken. He celebrates this astute observation by cracking open the bean dip.

Chad responds to any successful Cowboys defensive play with "Nice try there, wise guy!"

REALLY?!?!?! A three headed dog? Some Browns fan came to the game in a three headed dog costume. Cleveland.....the city where the river caught on fire and people come to football games dressed as nuclear accidents.

New rule. When he messes up, he's Pacman. When, and if, he does anything worthwhile he will be Adam.

A discussion has started on the new Pacino - DeNiro movie. Chad thinks Pacino was pandering with "Scent of a Woman" and didn't deserve the Oscar for it. He emphasizes that point with a hearty "Whooooooo haaaaaaaaaa"

Marion Barber makes up for the fact that he hasn't been able to gain more than a few yards with getting away with a blatant "grabbing onto a face mask like the bars on a Six Flags ride."

TOUCHDOWN. I never understand TO's celebration dances. I hate to admit it but I guess TO is a way more evolved and more intelligent or clever person than I am. I thought he got a leg cramp. How am I supposed to know that was an Olympic sprinter setting up? I feel like he should Twitter his celebration dance intentions each quarter.

Chad on TV's new hit show Hole in Wall: "Finally, a show I can relate to!"

Let me make this absolutely clear. The new Microsoft Jerry Seinfeld commercial is all of the following things: a) not funny b) too long c) not in any way comparable to the snappy Mac commercials. I also hated every second of Seinfeld but still, they make TO's dances look straightforward and laugh out loud.

Romo's first incomplete pass comes halfway through the second quarter. I can live with that.

And you have earned your Adam, Mr. Jones. Way to break up that pass. We will just brush that kick return under the rug.

Can't blog this drive. Too busy clapping.

The Burger King King is falling in with a bad crowd. First he is shown running from the cops and being hit by a cab in his attempt to flee arrest. Then a few minutes later, we see him playing Dance Dance Revolution with the Fox Football Robot.

TOUCHDOWN. I'm still thinking about what other brand spokesperson I would like to see Dance Dance Revolution with the Fox Football Robot. Right now the short list includes the AFLAC duck, Jared from Subway and the FreeCreditReport.Com guy.

HALFTIME

Discussions at halftime involve Philip trying to convince us that the Taco Bell Volcano Taco's sauce is NOT called Lava Sauce. Chad informs us that Patrick Crayton will henceforth be known as Crazy Eyes Crayton.

SECOND HALF


The Fox Football Robot really has taken over approximately 20% of our football commentary.



Chad thinks that some of the Cleveland Browns have weight problems.

Seeing Tony Romo at the bottom of 700 plus pounds of Browns grimacing makes me very nervous and sad.

Chad: "HAHAHAHA. Crayton! That's my boy! He's so patient!" I can imagine Crayton in line at the bank just whistling and smiling. Not a care in the world.

TOUCHDOWN. Felix Jones scores on his first NFL carry.

Now there's some talk about the talking e-Trade baby doing Dance Dance Revolution with the Fox Football Robot.

Felix Jones = NEW FOOTBALL BOYFRIEND

Also, did Jason Witten get sodomized in a Turkish prison in the off-season? Don't get me wrong, he's getting some nice catches. But he then ducks and crumples like someone's holding his children at gunpoint.

Chad on Wade Phillips: "I'm gonna put my paw in the honey pot." Yep, that's right. We have Winnie the Coach.

Browns interception in the end zone. That's ok. We didn't need that touchdown.

This entire Browns drive makes me feel like I've eaten a Volcano Taco followed by a Jack in the Box Breakfast Bowl. The good news is that if you have bought ad time on this game, it worked.

It's hard to gauge which one the crew here is more excited about: a rousing Cowboys victory or the premiere of Hole in the Wall.

We all agree that we should go ahead and score at least one more touchdown. Or as Chad says, "twist their titties just a little more." Which Philip counters with an astute, "Purple nurple."

Holding call against the Cowboys. Chad's take on Wade Phillips's reaction: "Where's Piglet?"

And the game's over. Time for a Volcano Taco in a Bowl of e-Trade in my Tacoma.

What the Ladies on the Internets Have to Say

The first thing my mom and I said to each other upon the announcement of Sarah Palin as McCain's VP choice was "Surely he doesn't think so poorly of women that he believes women will just vote for a fellow woman regardless of the fact that she stands against most of the things women care most passionately about?" In short, our answer was: "No, no surely not." Since the announcement, I have been stunned by the snippets of interviews I have seen with seemingly intelligent women on the street who have expressed some sort of respect for Palin. Full disclosure: I think the woman is awful. I don't like a single one of her positions. I think she doesn't give answers as much as recite warmed-over Everybody Loves Raymond punchlines. Put it this way, she made me think for a horrible hot second, "Kay Bailey Hutchison isn't so bad."

So my best friend Chrissy, who has been keeping track of the whole thing as an expatriate living in London who will be voting for Obama in November, and I have been going back and forth. It's kind of interesting. It's interesting to hear her take on things because she has the unenviable task, as the token American, of having to try to explain to an office full of Brits and assorted other Europeans how in the world this awful woman could appeal to anyone. She also has extremely right wing Evangelical parents who she loves dearly but who are also very excited by the recent developments. So it's been a lot of scratching heads and trying to get inside the mind of a person (specifically a woman) that would find Palin appealing for us for the past few days. And I bring you our highly scientific results.

First it was Chrissy's turn:

New fun game -

Find the most crazy-ass comment you can find posted on news articles from Palin supporters.

I'll go first...


Click to view VotingFemale's profile VotingFemale // 4 hours ago

The Karl Rove Play Book, Democratic National Committee Style.

Obama never bothered to worry about taking what works and using it to his benefit.

This is simply Politics in the fast lane.

Fluff...

The REAL MEAT has yet to be hung on the hook to sink the SS Obama.

There will be a wailing rising up from the Worshipers that will be heard around the world as OBama is correctly and rightfully hung out to dry.

You should be worried, Obama Toe Suckers... very worried.

Palin is coming for Obama and She Means Business


I actually don't understand the point of that comment, but I like how sassy and angry VotingFemale is!

Your turn...(trust me, it makes the day a lot more fun to play 'spot the crazy')

Alright, AmandaCobra's turn:

Now this is something I can totally play. Let's start with the one that completely randomly assigns Palin the nickname from a Hall and Oates song (?!?!?!):

Posted by WTFIGOITW on 09/04/08 at 11:36AM

Wow is this self-styled hockey mom ever scaring the crap out of the loopy left wing. I'd vote for McCain just for this reason alone but the fact that she may one day run for President should she win the Vice Presidency is just too overwhelmingly fabulous to think about. Bringing THAT is what is really scaring the limousine liberals. Kick some more tail Sarah Smile!


(I LOVE the term "limousine liberal" because I like to say it to myself when I drive around in my extra long Honda Accord)

Then I found this one and I declare myself the winner. Beat this. Oh wait, you aren't living in the same country as this moron so I guess you do win:

I feel that Sarah was sent to America for these troubled times! We're headed toward communism with Obama & Biden; can't you see it? It took a woman with five children to get us back to the Real America; the America I once knew~ If you newspeople don't love the best country on the face of the earth~~~why don't you go somewhere like Russia or even closer; Cuba? You couldn't hold a candle to Sarah! You're all jealous! I would never buy your paper.

Chrissy Round Two:

OMG I am so in love with this one!!! (!!!!!!!):
2:34 AM Anonymous Says:

Oh ye haters of women. I'm not sure you would know a good women if you met one. You people hitched your wagon to the wrong team. You SLANDERED the wonderful Sarah Palin. Not only is she fabulous, she is a GOOD person. You love 'God Damm' Obama. You are nothing more than his butt boy. You corrupt the youth of today every time you publish your crap of a magazine. You will be judged for all of eternity for that. Your lack of discermnent shows your lack of intelligence. You trade on weakness of humanity. Sarah Palin could/should kick your ass. You blew it. Hang your head in shame. Go out of business.


(Note: Can I be God Damn Obama's Butt Boy?? Pleeeeease?)


Then I found another feelgood post:

9:18 PM Anonymous Says:

So if my calculations are correct liberals should virtually be extinct by the the year 2040. Self-Hatred turns inward and eats its young (abortion). So why worry what the liberals think.


The logic in this one is blowing my drug-addled, liberal mind:

8:34 PM Anonymous Says:

Her daughter is pregnant so teaching abstinence doesn't work? What a shallow and mindless statement. We all have our free agency to decide what to do with the information given to us. It's ridiculous to think that one would have to count all those who DID learn from abstinence in order to counter this arguement. I guess this only proves the anti-drug campaigns don't work on liberals either.


This game is even better than 'spin the butter knife'. The next couple of months are going to fly by (from the inside of our big shiny elitist limousines, of course).

Amanda Round Two:

So this comment was in response to someone posting about her being Assemblies of God:

To: wideawake

Oh, boy—Assemblies! They are great pray-ers. They will pray her right into the Vice-Presidency.

The Holy Spirit moves in marvelous ways.


This one is quite possibly my favorite. After it I will tell you my favorite parts:

To: the invisib1e hand
God bless this woman, because they're gonna "Clarence Thomas" her in the media.

You'd better believe it. Big abortion is going to attack her and her family with a viciousness we've never seen before.
Fasten your seatbelts, folks.

1. "They're going to 'Clarence Thomas' her". Woah! I knew that she was supposed to be the MILF-y librarian but I had NO idea that she had actually sexually harassed employees! Sarah Palin...she's extreme about moose hunting, hockey, creationism and most importantly EXTREME COUGARING!
2. "BIG ABORTION". You know, I'm sick of these big abortion lobbyists and their big abortion money and all these abortion fatcats running Washington. Remeber the simple days when it was just Mom and Pop abortion shops that dotted our landscape? Now it's all these cold, impersonal big box abortion multi-national abortion conglomorates. Next thing you know, Big Heroin is gonna come in and start throwing their weight around and asking questions about her state's budget.

To: alexander_busek; wideawake; MarineBrat

Many of us have forgotten that Sarah Palin's state borders on RUSSIA, in addition to good old Canada. Even prior to becoming governor, she was involved in an official capacity in negotiations on petroleum, energy and the pipeline, all of which are international matters. In addition to this, petroleum is going to dictate a significant amount of our foreign policy in the future, and she sure has a lot more experience in all of these matters than either Obambi or Biden (who's probably attended lots of embassy cocktail parties, though...).

I would make a joke but since I was born in Georgia (the US state where Dukes of Hazard was set), I have to go try to sort out escalating tensions between Russia and the other Georgia. Because if qualifications are just how close shit is to touching or sounding like other things, I am now Jimmy Motherfucking Carter. I still don't get the Obambi thing. None of my research has lead me to discover Obama's mother was killed in the woods by a hunter.

I said I would liveblog Cindy McCain's speech but it looks like I will instead liveblog Ol' Limited Reachy's speech instead. I intended on starting with the Cindy McCain video introduction but it was so nauseating that, in my small tribute to Cindy McCain, I had to take a prescription anti-anxiety pill and have half a glass of wine and switch over to watch some Gordon Ramsay so you'll just have to imagine what kind of "WTF?!?!?!?" I had to say about that. Oh Gary Sinise, you silly weirdo.

First off, I would like to point out now that at 8:47pm CST tonight, I have realized that the phrase "hockey mom" is now apparently a synonym for everything I hate. Perhaps it is because I live in an area where hockey moms don't really exist, I was under the impression that a hockey mom was nothing different from a baseball mom, soccer mom or basketball mom. But on this final day of the RNC, I have now learned that hockey moms are actually either a) pitbulls with lipstick b) women who believe other women shouldn't be allowed to make the most vital choices of what they can do with their bodies c) women who think being a community organizer is something to be ridiculed. In short, hockey moms are awful.

Alright, Cindy McCain is done. Thank goodness. I was scared she was going to just start transposing entire sentences. Public speaking she good not much so at.

8:58 - Most confusing sign: "TERRORISTS BEWARE OF SARAH (OBAMA)"
What the fuck? Too much to tackle with that sign. Too bad they didn't throw in a Hussein reference.

9:00 - The podium rose out of the floor. I must admit, production value on this thing puts the Dems to shame. Did I mention that our candidate can reach things on high shelves?

9:03 - Another sign. "DRILL BABY DRILL". Points for vagueness. Points immediately deducted for sign being written on brown cardboard box with brand name still visible.

9:05 - Video starting. I hope they tell us more stories about strippers and family values.

9:13 - McCain looks as happy to be there as I am to be watching this. That kind of makes me like him. Also, they just showed a woman that looked like Suzi Quatro sobbing in the audience. I should have made a macro for "WTF?!?!?!?"

9:15 - Ummmmmmm, green screen? AWESOME! Please tell me that they are gonna do some sort of Sin City treatment on him. Maybe he's gonna re-enact the moon landing.

9:16 - Oh shit! Protester got in and has a sign about how McCain votes against vets. And he's getting camera time. And they haven't thrown him out. And he looks like Kevin Federline. Where's that macro?

9:22 - Holy hell, protesters getting in. Wow, HMS McCain speech going weird fast. Nice security.

9:25 - So apparently, when they yell "USA! USA!" it means someone else is interrupting them. I like how when he was about to be sensitive about how times are tough for Americans, a nice pretty protester got through and broke the momentum.

9:26 - Levi totally wants to shotgun a Natty Light right now. This convention shit is weak, brah.

9:28 - CNN was better at finding the black guy in the crowd last night because they showed him at least a dozen times. I guess he had to go home early. So far, minority sightings: McCain's adopted daughter.

9:32 - It's always weird when any politician does the "I fight for Davey Smith from Palo Alto who has rickets......" and everyone cheers. It always makes me think that Davey has a bunch of Myspace friends. Like Tila Tequila or something. I hope someone out there is fighting for Tila Tequila. I'm sure she's gonna have a lot of medical bills one day.

9:34 - Here's the part where he talks shit about Republicans. Let's see how this works out. Wait, how did Obama get lumped into how Republicans went wrong?

9:35 - Can we just secede into two countries and everyone who thinks Reagan was certainly NOT a hero can come live in my country? Please? Boat leaves in ten minutes.

9:39 - Really? Now he's just naming stuff that's bad and stuff that's good and putting his name before the good stuff and Obama's before the bad stuff and speaking really slowly. And they're responding. Like how you tell a four year old,

"Fire is HOT....BAD....NO......."

9:41 - "We're gonna help workers who lost a job that won't come back find a new one that won't go away"

Jobs aren't puppies. They didn't lose their jobs because they forgot to tie them up securely when they went inside the store. They lost them because your boy Bush ran a healthy economy into the ground partially because of a pointless war you supported, bud. But it's awfully nice of you to put it into big, nice, rounded, safety-tipped words like that.

9:44 - "We're going to send money to countries that don't like us very much"

WTF?!?!?! We're bribing France? Also, he's now stopping on every fifth word. Someone reboot him.

9:46 - He's talking about alternative sources of energy such a wind, nuclear, solar etc. There's a sea of cowboy hats which indicate the Texas delegates. They aren't clapping.

9:49 - Two black people. They aren't clapping. Could be press.

9:52 - Someone has a sign that says "STRAIGHT TALK" which got the theme song from the Dolly Parton movie of the same name stuck in my head. I think she basically plays a version of herself who somehow ends up getting a talk radio advice show in New York City where she shoots from the hip. Sorry, McCain has lost me.

9:54 - Now Obama is basically a pussy because he doesn't have POW scars. Awesome.

9:57 - AND THE POW STORY

9:59 - I will say this: my grandfather fought in Korea and did two tours in Vietnam. It's honorable. But seriously, that does not a president make.

10:03 - So, I'm sorry. I missed the part where you told me how you were going to change anything. You are going to turn around the crapfest economy how? You are going to improve the quality of life for Americans how?

10:05 - Jesus, this "Raising McCain" song is unfuckigbearable. Thank you, wine. You're my friend. You helped me. You're my running mate. You're my hockey mom tonight.