No funny pictures. No observations. No "look on the bright side" stuff. The Mavericks are playing horribly and unless they find a way to stop the Warriors for the next three games, this will be an incredibly short post-season. Fucking sad. I don't get it and I haven't decided if I'm confused or just really pissed off.

I'm excited about tonight's game. I also am getting the Friday afternoon antsy-pants. I also wanted to share this picture. I wouldn't mind a beer right now, either. That's all. No blog until Monday because my laptop hates me and it's not like no one will know if the Mavs won or not unless I post a blog. They just won't get the semi-clever synopsis of the lesser points of the game. Until Monday. If I can remember all the "witty" things I wanted to say. This will be fun. It will be like a game. I mean, other than the actual game that's happening tonight.

Ejector Seat Reservation

We'll go ahead and get the bad stuff out of the way. Dirk, please come back. I don't know where your game went but please spend today looking for it. MVP does not stand for Mildly Valuable Player. For all the other Mavericks, let's try to work on those three pointers. Only hitting one three point shot in a game is sad.

Ok, now for the fun stuff. Fuck. Yeah. More than the actual victory, I am pleased as hell about the clear psychological effect the Mavs had on the Warriors. It's no secret that Nellie's biggest weapon in his arsenal is his acute grasp of mind games. His two big scorers losing their cool and getting ejected shows the cracks in the armor of Golden State and is a blueprint for the Mavs breaking them. Possibly even better than Baron Davis getting tossed for sarcastically clapping in the face of an offical after what he perceived to be a bad call was Stephen Jackson almost certainly assuring that he will be suspended from game 3 for refusing to leave after being ejected. Watching players that had 30 minutes prior been playing like the scrappy underdogs out to prove they can defeat a giant turn into bad-tempered louts was like that movie Blind Date where Bruce Willis takes a seemingly rad Kim Basinger out on a date only to find out that a few drinks turns her into a human tornado. The Mavs seem to slowly be gathering steam and finding ways to stop the Warriors' (or as Charles Barkley prefers, "those midgets") small but quick attack.

There is a chance that playing at home and being angry about the calls and ejections that sealed their fate could energize the Warriors. But I think it will instead leave them open to the possiblity of the Mavericks goading them into foul troubles and technicals. If the NBA would like to put together a reel displaying how to completely lose your cool, might I suggest it consist of the third and fourth quarters of last night's game.

As much as I appreciate everyone's enthusiasm about the Mavs taking the Golden State series in five games, I had a bad feeling about this series. I still think the Mavs will advance but last night's game was all my nightmares come to vivid life.

First off, I have to agree with Charles Barkely (besides his assertation that Dwanye Wade should not be in his "My Five") that Dallas fucked up by trying to match Golden State with a smaller lineup. While I love Devean George, not starting with Dampier or Diop was an awful call. Golden State has an amazing ability to cut through to penetrate the basket and get rebounds. Second chance possions killed the Mavs last night. Forget the long layups and get the big guys in there around the basket to draw contact or drive to the basket.

Dirk? Wow, maybe a day of shooting some practice shots may be appropriate today.

Don Nelson makes me sad now. It seems as if someone has replaced his scotch IV drip with Lithium or Zoloft or something and now all I see is the dead eyes of one of my heroes. True story: during Nelson's last year as Mavs head coach when he was letting Avery slowly take the reigns, I saw the greatest piece of footage ever put to tape. On one of the Sunday night sports shows, a reporter bravely decided to turn up uninvited to Don Nelson's house on a Saturday afternoon to get his thoughts on some trade or something. As the reporter and cameraman were walking up the driveway of Don Nelson's house, through the open garage door emerged the ever-awesome Nelson. He was carrying a case of Miller Lite (partially consumed already) on his shoulder, his shirt had some wet spots and was buttoned crooked. He clearly had not really planned on doing an interview and proceeded to stare at the camera, microphone and reporter with the same expression my cat makes when he tries to watch TV. Also, I believe there was a lawn sprinkler in the background that was stuck and therefore just shooting water straight up into the air. I miss those days.

FUCKING RETARDED

Seriously?

Dallas v. Golden State in the first round of the playoffs.

Yikes.

The laugh that caused two technicals and one ejection. The Spurs game was one of the more life-affirming games of this season. I love the in-state rivalry almost as much as I can't stand Tim Duncan. I would love to sit here and discuss how the official doesn't actually know for sure whether or not a player is mocking their calls or just laughing about a joke that he remembered from a few days ago but I can't because nothing makes me happier than replaying the astonished face of Tim Duncan when he was ejected. The police escorts were like a cherry on top of my techincal sundae.

I can't believe we're already to the last game of the regular season tonight. I'm gearing up for what will probably be a pretty rad playoff season. And nothing does my heart better than, after the commentators spent 70% of their on-air time talking about how San Antonio was THE team to beat and how they are practically kissing the Finals trophy right now, Dallas won. I don't know who the Spurs are offering sexual favors to but seeing them knocked out of the playoffs in the second round will be incredible.

No Kevin Garnett. No Dirk. No Dampier. No Stackhouse. No problem.

From the FoxSports article on the Mavs clinching the #1 seed in the NBA last night:


Nowitzki and Stackhouse were Dallas' leading scorers in a 96-86 victory over the Los Angeles Clippers on Monday night that sealed the top seed this postseason, then coach Avery Johnson announced right away that they wouldn't be joining the club on a road trip to Minnesota.

"I told them if I see them on the plane, I'll fine them," Johnson said.

If Stack and Dirk have the night off, someone should let them know that they are welcome to come watch the game at my place. But they have to bring the beer. And not that Bavaria shit because it's not like you're gonna fool me into thinking that you shelled out a lot on some fancy imported Bavarian ale. That shit's always on sale.

HOME COURT ADVANTAGE

The Mavericks must read my blog because if I ever needed reassurance, last night's game was the game in which to deliver it. And they completely delivered it and secured home court advantage in the process.

Diop gets the gold star from me for his ferocious defense last night. And Devean George is coming back strong. I hold to my previous assertation that Devean George will be a key piece of the puzzle especially with Dampier's nagging shoulder injury.

On a completely different subject, I have disliked Chris Kaman for a while now but last night sealed the deal. I only regret that the widely ciculated story about him raising chickens for Christ is not true. I know I should go easy on him as it can't be easy going through life looking like the byproduct of a gang bang between Edgar Winter, Danny Elfman and Jim Gaffigan. But when asked about having his testicles grabbed and pulled by Reggie Evans in a game against the Nuggets, he said the following:

CK: Ah, how did I know you were going to bring that up? Yeah, I did. My first thought was, What the heck happened? The second was, Man, if I punch this dude, I'm going to get a fine and miss games. I wish I had now.

Because if I were a guy and some other guy grabbed and pulled my nether regions, I would first thing to myself "What the heck happened?" Holy mackrel! Gee golly!

Alright, I've slacked a bit on the whole blogging thing but I have to admit that I'm pretty stressed and the Mavs aren't helping me out any. Strangely, my equally Mavs-obessesed friend Brian asked me on Friday afternoon if the Mavs were scaring me like they have been scaring him. I took the Pollyanna route and said "oh no, I think they're just slowing down to rest up for the playoffs."

Then there was the Denver game. What an embarassing game. Even for Denver but at least they managed to win.

Then there was the Portland game. I'll admit that I was only able to watch the first half of the game but I listened to the second half on the drive up to Denton to see The Undoing of David Wright. We won. But again, the scores were pretty low. I know Avery was resting his "stars" which is a fabulous idea. And I did see that crazy dunk Mo Ager got in the first half. But seeing the Mavs scoring in the 70s and 80s doesn't really make me totally comfortable. Theoretically, a team like the Clippers could rally in the fourth and win over the Mavs in the first or second round when the scores look like that.

This all should also probably be taken with a large grain of salt since I'm pretty stressed out about something more stress-worthy than basketball for the next month or so.

Dirty Old Town

Well, I'm stoked about the playoffs but I will miss one or two games because I'm going to be in London from May 10-15. The playoff schedule will be announced after the last regular season game on April 18. The Mavs are completely important but this trip is equally important. More information to follow.

Ummm, Coach Johnson I ummm, think I have...

I can't stop laughing about Dirk's "food poisoning" related no-show last night. Apparently I am not the only one as every time it's been mentioned on tv both last night during the game and this morning on the news, the delivery went something like this: "Dirk Nowitzki not playing due to (insert slight chuckle) food poisoning." Back when I worked at a soul-crushing job as a licensed private investigator, I had quite possibly the largest number of sucessive cases of food poisoning. My well-known love of sashimi lent an air of credibility to my stories but had I actually had that many cases of mysterious one day food poisoning, I doubt I'd have much of my small intestines left. So I totally get the "man, the seafood salad at the buffet was probably not a good idea" excuse. It's a good one.

I'm glad he was out since the slightest breeze causes his ankles to buckle or twist and it allowed the Mavs to prove that they are fully able to win without Dirk's help. And it proved that Josh Howard's spot in the All-Star lineup was deserved as he scored 29 last night. Seeing Devean George slowly return to the fine form he was in before the knee injury does my heart good.

I also find this piece of information in Mike Bibby's Wikipedia entry very amusing:

Nickname: Bibbinator/Bibbalicious

Apparently, Rob Schneider was kind enough to take time out of his busy schedule of filming 18 Deuce Bigalow sequels to go to Sacramento and bust out the old Copier Guy character to in order to bestow a few nicknames upon Mike Bibby. Strangely, Wikipedia's entry for Ron Artest says his nickname is Ron Ron which is much more pleasant than my nickname for him. Because who wants to be known as Ron "I beat my girlfriend and starve my dog and start fistfights with fans in the stands" Artest. Also that's a lot harder for any future girlfriends who may be stupid enough to ride the Ron Artest Abuse Train to get tattooed on their nether regions, I suppose.

Wow, I'm pretty speechless. What happened? The Mavs stuck around through the third then crumbled. Even trailing by 5 at halftime, the Mavs seemed to be prepared to match the Suns on the other end of the floor. The Mavs three point shooting was nearly flawless (again, I'm just talking about the game up to the third quarter here).

The Suns killed the Mavs in the paint and under the basket. Devean George choked. Dirk had choke-like moments too often. Dampier got to sit on the bench and watch the mass choke-a-thon which could not be the most pleasant way to spend a Sunday afternoon. And Dirk's Fabrege ankle came into play again. Deep down I know that Dallas is, in my opinion, a better team than the Suns but there's something psychologically about Phoenix that throws Dallas off their game. I'm not big on conspiracy theories but the past three defeats the Mavs have been dealt were either at the hands of Don Nelson or Steve Nash. Spooky and rather unsettling.

I'm pretty bummed about the Mavs performance and I'm pretty sure this will stoke the fires of the MVP debate. But just mostly, I'm disappointed that something happened and the Mavs never caught fire and just let Suns bury them in the fourth.

So the Knicks game was another close one. Same final score as the Bucks game. Another game decided in the final minute. If this were earlier in the season, I might be lamenting the fact that teams like the Bucks or Knicks are keeping these games so close down to the wire. But I want 70 victories and I want to get to the playoffs when true hysteria starts. I suppose the fact that these teams are still trying to secure themselves a playoff spot means they are going to have a little more fight in them.

But none of that matters today. During the Knicks game, I was discussing the possibility of Dirk and Steve Nash having an MVP trophy polishing party this summer. I have already discussed my apathy regarding the MVP race but if (as even Mike D'Antoni has said this week) Dirk is truly the most deserving player in the league he has to prove it today. I like the Suns, I think they're a great team and there's not a single player on that team that has done anything but earn my respect. That being said, the Mavs need to wipe the floor with them and then throw them aside in a crumpled ball of defeat today. If the Mavs can pull off a comfortable margin of victory against Phoenix today, I will have no doubts in my mind that they have the ability and drive to take the title this year.