Jackass: Not the Movie

Miami Heat wins the championship in 2006.

In 2007, Shaq gets hurt, Pat Riley gets hurt, Dwyane Wade gets hurt and the highlight of their season is hanging out with George W. Bush.

Sweet.

Welcome to the WNBA

Wow, 65 points? Really? Kevin Garnett missed 11 of his 17 attempts? One month of no losses? Really? Another 13 game winning streak? Ummmm, ok. Seriously?

Josh Howard's ankle better heal quickly because I have a feeling tomorrow night's Minnesota game will be a tight one. I'm more than a little nervous.

But how about that crazy basket Stackhouse made right before the buzzer at the end of the third? Croshere has certainly gotten better defensively but he has to stop taking long shots because he just hasn't got whatever he had that one night he scored a bunch of points. Since Allison has requested specifically that I touch on the trade of Anthony Johnson, touch I will. I don't really know why the Mavs did it since he was one of my favorite deep bench players. And what I really can't figure out is who JJ Barea's doing sexual favors for to keep getting put in games. Seriously, Barea is stinking up the joint every time he goes in. Diop, Croshere and Buckner have all been criticized for not working hard enough to sharpen their game yet Barea gets sent to the D League and comes back with no noticeable improvement and no one calls him on it? Did Atlanta not want JJ?

Also, Pops may be my favorite Mav. Jury is still out.

In other news, I think that FSN just suggested that Tony Romo's fumbled field goal snap was more "blunder-y" than the ball going between Bill Buckner's legs. Dude, you gotta at least wait a year to claim some shit like that. Don't get all Buffalo '66 on me, FSN.

So close Dirk. So so close. But we won and we've got another hot little streak going on. Devean George is coming back in a week or so. I would love to write about the game but I'm still pretty stoked about the fact that I found myself talking Mavs with Donnie Nelson last night.

Per Donnie:

- His dad is super happy at Golden State and the rift was a "generational thing"

- Mark Cuban is a genius because "he's one of those 60's guys who doesn't like the establishment but secretly everyone knows that Stern loves him and respects him."

- The MAAniacs are more popular and their tryouts are more competitive than the cheerleader tryouts. And it all started because some fireman wrote Cuban to pitch the idea of a fat guy in a half shirt dancing to show his team spirit.

- He says that he was distraught last year because "we had our arms around that thing, we had the trophy in our hands and I don't know what happened"

Also, Donnie uses the word "Beantown" exclusively in lieu of saying Boston. And somehow managed to say "Beantown" a whole lot throughout normal conversation. I didn't tell him about my blog because I think the last thing he wants to hear is some nerd telling him to check out their blog. I have met lots of people. I had to find an out one time when Kevin Shields wouldn't stop talking about good places to get curry in the United States. Paul McCartney and I chatted on a sidewalk in London for five minutes once. But for some reason, I got really meek and starstruck when Donnie Nelson started telling stories about his dad and Avery. General Managers are the new rock stars.

First, I can't handle Buckner wearing that mask. I kept imagining him in the pick- up line at his kid's school wearing it. I kept thinking of him going to CiCi's with his family wearing it.

Antoine Walker got ejected! And I have to admit that I didn't really think it looked like an ejectable offense. He kinda touched Dirk's face but I thought it was a little extreme to eject him over it. I thought Shaq's flagrant against Devin Harris was more malicious if less face-oriented.

That being said, I think the Heat may watch their postseason go bye bye in the next few weeks. The Mavs should have won by 30 or more. Barea, Agar and Croshere really know how to squander a lead and I thought they should have been pulled WAY sooner than they were. But back to the Heat, with Shaq only able to play 30 minutes, getting stupid fouls and having a free throw shot that is somewhat akin to an epileptic fit I don't think they will survive without Wade. And of course, Dwyane Wade himself has told us what a fabulous leader he is.

I also thought the Mavs could have done a little better with the MVP shirts. I would have liked to have seen something like this incorporated in the design. But Mark Cuban never asks for my advice. Maybe it's because he knows I hate his facial hair decisions.

Halfway to Getting Respect

Alright, I can take it no longer. My friend George and I had a conversation about this a few months ago. George is from Dallas and is a Mavs fan living in LA. I mentioned that it was interesting to see Mavs fans at every road game but that national sportscasters, pundits and writers still considered the Mavs to be a joke. George said that he actually thought that for the first time when you live in another city and like the Mavs, no one laughs at you.

It's hard to gauge the general opinion of the Mavs when you live in Dallas because it's a given that everyone in town thinks they are a great team. But watching All-Star weekend reminded me that the nation probably still sees Dallas as a second-tier team because of the lack of "superstars" or people who can jump over objects and/or people while dunking. Dirk and Josh Howard were not given much attention in the All Star game and neither scored many points. Of course the fact that Yao Ming always wins the All-Star vote counts but doesn't score more than a dozen points doesn't seem to come up much. Without getting too cheesy, there is a reason beyond geography that I like the Mavs so much. Because there is no superstar. Nothing turns my stomach more than the showboats like Kobe Bryant and Dwyane Wade who, while they are great players, clearly see themselves as being superior to their teammates.

Which is why Fox Sports "Second Half Prospects" article by Charlie Rosen annoys me to no end. Let's look at their predictions for the Spurs, Mavs and Suns in the last half of the season:



SAN ANTONIO — Don't mistake the team's operating on cruise-control for it having a broken transmission. As long as none of the core players get hurt, they'll all be primed for the second season. And don't discount the important of the reemergence of Francisco Elson or the addition of Melvin Ely. Come the home stretch and the Spurs will be razor-sharp and poised to draw blood.

So the Spurs, who arguably have slumped in the past few weeks and are NINE games behind the Mavs are some sort of sabre-toothed Thundercats of Victory. So short of anyone getting hurt, San Antonio has got this shit in the bag?



PHOENIX — Perhaps Steve Nash's bum shoulder is a blessing in disguise. Besides saving wear and tear on Nash's other body parts, Marcus Banks has been forced to walk (or rather run) in the daylight and discover what he has to do to help Phoenix win. Following the same theme, with the Suns just about locked into the second seed (4.5 games behind Dallas and 4.0 ahead of Utah), perhaps Mike D'Antoni will be moved to limit the playing time of the rest of his starters and develop his bench players. This is imperative if the Suns plan to still be shining brightly in June.

Yeah it's good for the Suns that Nash will get some rest but I hardly think that a nagging shoulder injury is the Suns' key to victory. And Phoenix's bench is about as deep as Nickelback's lyrics but apparently that's also a good thing since it will inspire Mike D'Antoni to maybe try to develop those bench players or something or whatever. So an injury and a shallow bench leads this writer to believe that the Suns may still be "shining brightly in June". Jesus, I'm suprised he didn't just spontaneously start reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.



DALLAS — The Mavs' combination of high-powered offense and better-than-average defense is a potent parlay — especially with the addition of Devean George's lock-down perimeter defense. The only ifs in their championship aspirations are the clutch-time abilities of Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Terry, Josh Howard, Devin Harris and Jerry Stackhouse. That's why one of the Mavs' greatest fears is the possibility of facing the Spurs to open the post-season. There are too many variables that have to come out rock-steady for the Mavs to have a lock on a berth in the conference finals.

The only "if" is that Nowitzki, Terry, Howard, Harris AND Stackhouse haven't proven that they won't just crumple into a mound of ineffective idiots and run off the court crying? That's a pretty big "if" to apply to the team with the #1 record in the NBA and currently in the top 10 all time NBA mid-season records. And heaven help us if we have to play San Antonio in the first round. I mean, we've beat them every time we've played them this season. But they are going to cut us into little pieces with their razor-sharp blood drawing powers of basketball if this writer is to believed.

Just one more thing that makes me believe that the days of the Mavs getting respect are not here just yet. I sometimes wonder if a ring would change anything.

Whew!

While Tim Hardaway might not like it, the Mavs apparently like to pull things out of their asses at the last minute. The Mavs never seemed to actually get it together long enough to sustain a real lead but they won regardless. I'm stoked about All-Star Weekend mostly because the promos for it have taught me two very important lessons. Lesson #1: Heather Locklear and Andy Garcia have something to do with professional basketball. Lesson #2: Eva Longoria supports the State of Isreal.

Tomorrow will be the greatest night of professional sports if this lineup is to be believed:

EAST TEAM
David Arquette (“In Case of Emergency”)
Michael Clarke Duncan (The Green Mile)
Nelly (Grammy Award-winning hip hop artist)
Kevin Frazier (host of “Entertainment Tonight”)
Donald Faison (“Scrubs”)
Taye Diggs (Rent, Chicago)
Bobby Flay (“Throwdown with Bobby Flay”)
Carrot Top (comedian)
Katie Smith (WNBA’s Detroit Shock)
Coach: Tim Legler, ESPN analyst
Asst. Coach – James Pickens Jr. (“Grey’s Anatomy”)

WEST TEAM
Jamie Foxx (Ray, Dreamgirls)
James Denton ("Desperate Housewives")
Reggie Bush (NFL’s New Orleans Saints)
Bow Wow (Roll Bounce)
Jamie Kennedy (“Jamie Kennedy Experiment”)
Tony Potts (co-anchor of “Access Hollywood”)
Nick Cannon (Bobby)
Jonathan Silverman (“In Case of Emergency”)
Tamika Catchings (WNBA’s Indiana Fever)
Coach: Greg Anthony, ESPN
Asst. Coach – Wayne Newton (“Grey’s Anatomy”)


You can go ahead and pick your favorites but I only root for teams that Wayne Newton coaches.

Devean George Needs New Knee

Probably not. He probably just banged it up and will be fine. After the snoozefest of the Philly game (and yes, I do consider blowing a 25 point lead but still easily winning to be a bore) I needed a zany game like this. Mavs never lead in the game except for the last 50 seconds of the fourth. Collectively, the Mavs are the kids who don't even pick the topic for their final essay until about 11pm the night before it's due. Then just cite a bunch of bullshit from the internet and still get a B+.

Devean George did seem to be the spark that got the Mavs back into the game to win. But the best part of the game by far was the following:

Bucks get called for a backcourt violation.
One minute later, Mavs commit the exact same violation but go uncalled.
Crowd gets very mad.
Microphones are exceptionally sensitive tonight.
Said microphones pick up the Bucks coach very loudly and clearly saying "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK, IT'S BULLSHIT!"

Bob and Mark giggle like kids who just found a bad word in the dictionary. So rad.

Why is Dirk getting technicals lately? He got one in the Houston game and nearly got himself kicked out in the last two minutes of the fourth tonight. I always think guys with shaved heads look like testy assholes and he's only proving my theory. Mellow out, grow the hair back, take a fucking chill pill and score 40 in a game sometime soon so Dwyane Wade has to eat his words.

Mavs 106 - Philly 89

We won.

Leaders of Men

Lessons I learned last night:

1. Blogging from a T-Mobile Dash is nearly impossible.
2. The Mavs can beat the Rockets by 30 points without exerting an undue amount of effort.
3. I can watch Josh Howard dunk for days.
4. The universe will ulitmately balance injustice out by doing things like naming Josh Howard to the All-Star team as an injury replacement.
5. Dwyane Wade can be kind of a dick.

Here's what Wade recently said regarding Dirk's leadership skills:

"Dirk said that they gave us the championship last year," Wade said Thursday. "But he's the reason they lost the championship because he wasn't the leader he's supposed to be in the closing moments."


I am a fan of rivalries. Just see how twitchy I get in the two hours leading up to tip-off before a Spurs-Mavs game. And I like trash-talking to some extent. While I don't respect it, I don't mind a bit of "your defense sucks" or "Shaquille O'Neal couldn't hit a free throw if his fellow Dade County deputies held a gun to his head" or whatever. What I don't like is when it just gets to be one guy being a douchebag to another guy about things that aren't really to do with the game. Like if Dirk said something like "hey Dwyane Wade, your name is kind of retarded". Or "even worse is the fact that you are such an egomanical head case that you named your daughter Zaire Blessing Dwyane Wade." Now, I can't imagine Dirk saying anything like that. Because it's a personal attack and it has nothing to do with his game. Wade's a great player so why even waste time talking shit about Dirk? You won the trophy, dude. Go film another cell phone commerical and bask in the glory. I would.

The good news is that the Western Conference playoffs will be a great show. And if everything goes the way I'm thinking it will, Dallas and Phoenix will play a seven game fight to the death in which at no point in time will the team leaders for each respective team talk shit about each other like kids trying out new "yo mama" jokes.

Everyone come see the Theater Fire in Denton tonight. If you don't, I seriously question your leadership skills. But in a respectful way.

WHAT?!

In case you haven't heard, former Mavs/Apple Orthodontics superstar Marquis Daniels and two other Pacers teammates are under investigation in connection with a fight that happened at a nightclub. The nightclub manager ended up with a broken jaw and severed earlobe. Read the whole article here:

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2757273

I have no idea if Daniels or his teammates were actually involved in the incident. But that's not really what I'm concerned about. The players were at the 8Seconds Saloon to celebrate the Colts Super Bowl win. Fine. Now go google 8Seconds Saloon.

Leon Russell...Feb. 9th
Leon Russell is coming to 8Seconds Saloon on Friday February 9th , 2007. Doors Open at 7pm. The MECHANICAL BULL will be present during the concert.

Why would anyone want to hang out at what appears to be a relatively low-end shitkicker bar? And I live in Texas so I can totally say that. Nothing against Leon Russell (seriously) or mechanical bulls but is there not some slightly classier joint in Indianapolis? Wait, so you're telling me that at a nightclub whose upcoming events calendar features "March 2nd - 911 Slugfest" there was a brawl? Get out! Apparently this club is half UFC cage match and half bar. How do you pitch that to the insurance company? There may be a joke somewhere in this whole thing: Three Indiana Pacers walk into a Fight Club Nightclub....

Now I get why Austin Croshere always looks sad.

The Photo-tastic Blog Entry!

Avery says that when the Mavs blow big leads it's because they start playing like the Harlem Globetrotters and forget about defense. I saw the Harlem Globetrotters at camp when I was 8 but later that day I also saw the people who bend iron bars between their teeth and tear phone books in half. So by the end of the day, I had a picture of myself posing with a very tall man who could dribble three basketballs at once AND a piece of a hot water bottle that a man had blown up by mouth until it exploded. But I digress...

Non-game related rant #2: If the MVP race is really down to Steve Nash v. Dirk Nowitzki, I would like to direct the jury's attention to Exhibit A ("Short Hair"):



Steve "Make-a-Wish" Nash

VS.



Dirk "Unfortunate Pose" Nowitzki

Verdict: Dirk for MVP

Tonight's game (in a "We Didn't Start the Fire" kind of way):

Dampier hurt, just sore knee
Mbenga hurt, right knee mystery
Dirk goes over thirty
Pau Gasol in misery
Miller needs a Hair-dini
At halftime I went to buy a Slurpee
By the time I got back home the Mavs lead had gone from 20 to 7

I will be blogging about Friday's game from my Blackberry since my little worker bees The Theater Fire will be playing at Granada with Baptist Generals. So if either of the following sound like your idea of a good time:
a) a good night out watching some killer bands OR
b) having a beer with someone who is furiously typing on a Blackberry keyboard while also yelling at inanimate objects like televisions sets

BE HERE:

Ok, that was close. Again. God, I like exciting games so I guess I'm gonna have to come up with a more creative sentence.

First off, way to go Diop. I guess being threatened with an extended vacation in Fort Worth has done him some good. Maybe JJ Barea brought back stories of sleep deprivation and water boarding? Whatever happened, a big "Welcome Back!" to both Diop's game and JJ "The Pride of Puerto Rico" Barea. I don't know if that's actually his nickname but I hope that if it isn't, somehow it will catch on.

So ummm, yeah Kevin Garnett is good. Ricky Davis was kind of starting to scare me in the first half with his 17 effortless points. But then he forgot how to play or got a popcorn kernel stuck in his throat or something really distracting. The end of the fourth must have dislodged whatever was stuck in his throat because he briefly came back to life. It was almost enough and had Josh Howard not randomly lobbed the ball down the court (apparently Josh's internal game clock was about 7 seconds ahead of the actual game clock) Minnesota would not have been able to get off one final deperation shot from WAY behind the arc that actually went in. Maybe he was just excited about his baby. Or mad. You may have heard he got snubbed in some contest.

Which brings me to the topic I really am too amused by to actually want to tackle right now. The All-Star thingy. Whatevs. I am not as twisted about it as other people seem to be. But that's probably because of a much wider view that I have of the whole All-Star/MVP scenario to begin with. I have volumes to say about the whole thing but that's for another gameless day.